What is the funniest thing a Christian has ever told you?

Question

I didn't think i would actually hear the funniest thing a christian has ever told me when I asked this question.......thanks shannon

Answer 1

An argument against bilingual education that ended in something like "English just like Jesus talked".

I try not to laugh at people when they're being serious, but I just couldn't help myself that time.

Answer 2

My grandmother is a nutty born-again Christian.

She told my sister that she was being controlled by the devil. That's more mean than funny, I suppose.

Then she told my other sister's boyfriend that he was probably going to go to hell because he has an eyebrow ring. That one's funnier.

Then she told that sister and boyfriend that her preacher said the apocalypse is going to be next year, and since she told them about it, now their blood isn't on her hands (in other words, if they continue to sin and go to hell it's not her fault).

She's always sending me lame Christian chain e-mails too, but they're usually good for a laugh.

Now my question is - when the apocalypse doesn't happen next year, how do you continue being a Christian after that? I mean, the schedule for the apocalypse is a pretty important thing to get right. Personally if I believed that, I'd blow my money on some fun shite right before the apocalypse. Then all of the sudden it doesn't happen and you're screwed! I'd be damn pissed at that preacher.

Answer 3

I can't decide:

1.) ...that I was certain to burn in Hell because, as an atheist, it was disrespectful for me to own three Bibles and then keep them in the "fiction" area of my personal library.

2.) ...that Jesus still loves me, even though I generally vote for Democrats.

3.) ...that despite centuries of use by countless Shaman and other spiritual seekers, all psychoactive drugs are irredeemably evil, but it's perfectly OK for faith-healers to surreptitiously administer bolts of electric current to the brains of the faithful, because God won't let anything bad happen to those who truly believe in Him.

Actually, Christians aren't exactly a barrel of laughs, are they?

Answer 4

This joke that goes like this: There were two old men sitting on the front porch whittling. The dog is down on the grass, licking his balls. They watch him for a moment and the first old man says, "I wish I cud do that." The second old man thinks about what he said for a minute and replies, "That dog wud bite you."

I laughed and laughed.

Answer 5

That I must accept jesus or be condemned to hell forever, regardless of how ridiculous the story is or how well I live. God is so vain that if you insult him by not believing some far-fetched BS, he'll condemn you for all eternity.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I can't believe people actually buy into that garbage.


Seriously though, one actually called me and my fellow scientists sheep. I still laugh at him everytime I see him.

Answer 6

That an all loving god will burn me for all eternity in a fiery torment. how is that for a good line?

I must admit I love the people who actually believe in the literal interpretation of genesis. I can never get enough of it.

Edit: I got this last night and I thought it was perfect for this question. "God is the Creator of all of creation then clearly He isn't part of creation because He created creation therefore no creation can create Him..."

Answer 7

Jesus and God are the same person.
And a friend of mine one time said she got info about Jehovah's wittnesses from her mom who at the time was babtist.
When I said one time that i don't believe in hell this girl told me i was going to hell then took off her coat and she was wearing all black. (I was in like 3rd or 4th grade at the time.)

Answer 8

That the Bible can and should be used as a textbook for everything having to do with life. That the Bible is a science textbook. ROTFL!!! That everything we need to know is in the Bible.

Everytime I hear a Christian say "Because the Bible said so" I laugh uncontrollably.

Answer 9

That "we all" have same-sex cravings, but God tells us to control them.

He identified as a straight man. A married one with children. Oooops!

Answer 10

A bright educated engineer told me that the earth was between 6 and 10 thousand years old.

He claimed (since we both had an engineering background) that he had the same education as me- indicating that his opinion was just as valid as mine.

I did not challenge him. He was born and raised as an evangelical and home schooled. So- being brainwashed from such a young age, there was no point.