How do you deal with in-laws?

Question

Years ago, my brother-in-law put the moves on me which I turned him down flatly. He did this right before I was marrying my husband. I told my husband about it but we decided to keep it quiet. We have had a series of problems with the in-laws that stem from people not visiting us and not understanding our financial position on not being able to give them presents or visiting them b/c they live three hours away, we don't have a car and they don't bother coming to see us. I have a son who's three, his Grandma is yet to see him. She believe we all should visit them or don't bother, that's just not realistic and as a result we've been shunned from the family. This brother-in-law is treated as a golden child and it's driving me nuts when my husband is a good man and I believe he should be given some slack.

It's been three years since we've seen any of them aside from a funeral where my husband was reamed out from his mom. Advice please?

Another problem was with our wedding, we chose to marry in cuba and NOT have the brother in law in the wedding party!

Answer 1

It was your wedding, you had a right to marry where ever you chose and to invite whomever you wished. I do not blame you for not wanting the imposition of a brother on law who would hit on you just before getting married to his relative. That sort of puts a real hamper on your special day. Why risk having it ruined?? The brother in law distanced himself by his idiotic behavior. The two of you are just trying to start a life together without outside interference.

If "parents" can't understand their children have financial problems and no car to boot, and they can't care or want to see their child enough to drive the 3 hours and swallow the silly pride I think they are extremely selfish sad people it may not be worth your drive to make!!! However every child should at least be introduced to their grandparent, even if some don't work out for the best relationship.

Put your focus on YOUR family as the one you are worried about here does not seem admiral of it! Don't waste to much time on others outside your immediate family under your roof that you are trying to make ends meet for when you are already having a struggle and rather than see that and help, this family would rather see you go under further to make the point! They have a 3 year old grandchild they have never seen because they can't make the 3 hour drive?? Are you sure the introduction is something benifical to the child??

It sounds as though they are quite swayed by the bad guy and you don't need him around disprupting your family. Maybe you are better off with few visits and focusing on the good for your family instead?

I don' t think you are the probem. I find the grandparents a pitty. I'd drive 3 weeks to see my grandbabies if I had any. I would for my children and good friends and family too!

In my opinion YOU are doing BETTER than those people are. Don't allow them to bring you down!!!

Answer 2

I think it is about time you told that side of the family the truth about what happened with your brother-in-law. You are getting the raw end of deal, and he is not suffering one little bit.
Only do this if you really want to reconnect with them.

To be honest, why do you want to reconnect with them under these circumstances. The further your family is away from them, I think, would be the better choice.

Make your life around your family, your children, your mother and father, friends.

If your husband wants to visit his family, let him, but refuse to go with him.

You have a family of your own, where you could be happy and at peace with each other. Why walk into the lions den/

Talk to your husband and suggest to him that you cannot deal with his mother and his brother any more, and you want nothing else to do with them. If you were shunned, is that a religious term, because I know that J>W>s shunn their family members. Or is that just a word you are using that explains that they want nothing to do with you.

This is your choice. It is up to you and your husband to make a good a life for your children as you can. And I would not trust that brother in law, around my children and would not want them to have a grandmother who has such an attitude.

Answer 3

Sounds like a fine kettle of fish. Wow, so it seems like they are somewhat upset you did not have your brother-in-law in the wedding party and do not understand why you did not choose him. Perhaps you should not have kept his advances quiet.

Well, they may have a valid reason for being upset with you too, but you also have a valid reason as well. Try to understand why they are upset with you two.

Your problem is one side must make a move to heal the division and they appear to be unwilling to make the first move. If you want better relations, then you must make the first move and find a way to visit them with your child. After that, the ball is in their court.

Answer 4

That's perfectly normal Angie! In laws will always be in-laws. Everybody goes thru shi+ like that. Some people have good respectable in laws and some people have lots and lots of jerks. My in-laws are not so bad, but they bored me to death, because they cannot join me to drink or dance out with the lovely ladies. So ALL OF MY INLAWS think I am the extremely crazy guy NOT FROM THIS WORLD, just because I like to party out, like a teenager. I don't act my age BECAUSE I am extremely 100% healthy!!!!! I have a very strong liver that no body seems to understand my situation, as being me, myself and I. The great and wonderful Abe! lol haha

Answer 5

The truth is that your BIL was probably the favorite long before you ever came along. It probably has little to do with you, your marriage or your children.
It sounds like you have made efforts and like you have tried to explain your situation and they aren't willing to meet you half way. I don't know what else you can do.
As long as you and your husband keep hoping that his family will change and keep expecting to be treated better, you will continue to be disappointed. Either you have to accept the way the relationship is or you have to decide if they make your life any better. If they don't make your life any better, perhaps it is time to cut them out.

Answer 6

I am in a similar situation to distances between family members, and maintain links via email.
At the age of 80 my mum has started to use a computers.

Set up email contacts with the friendlier ones, and have them forward some of the others, and rebuild relationships with those you choose.

In our family we will often compose a generic letter to every one, just to keep them all up to date.

I hope this is of some help. Do not stay insular.

Answer 7

These people are a selfish bunch, and you married the 'black' sheep of the family. There's no point of forming a relationship with them because all they will bring is grief to you and your family. Tell them again your financial situation, and that if they want to meet, they should meet at your part of the town, or just forget it. It's too tiring to please everyone except yourself. And honestly, if your son starts asking questions about family and grandma stuff, tell him that grandma doesn't love him enough. Because that IS the fact.

Answer 8

Very carefully and know the day will end. I prefer to call them outlaws as some of them are. I never knew that when you married a woman you also married her family. That' one of my many corrections I will make in my next life.

Answer 9

to handle close-minded in rules, is to not manage them in any respect you realy could positioned some factor to the area and go on i visitor that day some one wakened on the incorrect area of the mattress, it occurs alot with in rules.and approximately been left exceeded does not could do with real and incorrect, ia'm additionally left exceeded, so is my son , one in each and every of my brother and a pair of of our grand-childrens, all of us can use the two hands yet that's not the case. my mom tried to corrected it , by using puting issues back in my real hand and she or he advised me she gave up, because of the fact i will replace it real back to my left hand, so been left-exceeded isn't a criminal offense, nor a sin,that is purely distinctive, next time they difficulty you back, tell them comprehend you experience, because of the fact they don't comprehend you properly, because of the fact it has taken them an prolonged time to observed this easy factor approximately you, shame ON Them,do not difficulty approximately that, that's not significant in any respect.do not enable your in-rules tension you out. Peace.

Answer 10

What difference does it make as to what they think and do? You married the good son and they can label the bad one anyway they want.