I'm going through a break up. I know I am doing the right thing for both of us. However, all he wants to do is continually try to guilt me into staying. How do I handle it until we can financially part ways for good?
2007-11-29 05:39:09 · 29 answers · asked by Linz VT•AM 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Own your own feelings and emotions. If you have nothing to feel guilty over, don't feel guilty. Just keep reminding yourself that he's being manipulative, and the very fact that he's doing that means he's not someone you need to be in a relationship with.
Good luck to you.
2007-11-29 05:41:49 · answer #1 · answered by War Games AM 5 · 8⤊ 1⤋
I understand this is a common thing when a couple breaks up and one of the two doesn't want it to happen. Remind him that you do care about him and that it already bothers you that this is happening. Explain that the manipulative method he is using is actually pushing you much further away to the point where friendship may be difficult. Ask him to be kind and consider how this is affecting you.
Dodging guilt isn't healthy for you. In order to grow as a person you have to accept your own responsibility in the failure of the relationship. Relationships are never 50/50 as some would suggest. Some days they are 70/30 and other days 30/70.
If he fails to respect your wishes then you'll need to cut face time with each other way back. You might need to stay a few nights with some family or friends to help get the point across to him that you will not stay in the vicious cycle of arguments and manipulative guilt tripping.
My offer still stands if you need a pair of cyber ears to listen. It wasn't all that long ago that I dealt with a lot of this stuff. Good luck and best wishes.
2007-11-29 14:05:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you talked about your problems and you decided you've had enough you should do everything you can to make sure he understands that. Realize that if you give in to the guilt trips, you will only be prolonging the inevitable. Also keep in mind that if you give the appearance of cracking, he will keep guilting you because he knows it works. If you have a hard time living together, you can arrange to stay with a friend or ask him to. You might even consider trying to get out of your lease early if that's what the issue is.
Depending on what your financial issues are it may be easier for one of you to cut out early and figure out how to work out the difference. It's not the most convenient option, but you should always consider it if things get bad. Sometimes people end up using financial issues as a reason to prolong or hurt another person, so getting that settled should be a priority.
Tell him that you have thought this through and decided that it won't work, and that he will not be able to change your mind. I dunno what else would help...sorry you have to go through such a tough situation. Just keep in mind that he is gonna be ok, and in time he'll find someone who connects on his level that he can be happy with, so there really is no reason for you to feel guilty.
2007-11-29 19:25:51 · answer #3 · answered by Grunty O 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Linz,
this sounds rather manipulative; however, it is based on his emotions and the obvious point that he is still in love with you. Weighing the "parting" and the current financial obligation(s) make this exceptionally difficult - I can only speculate for the both of you on the difficulty you are confronted with. Sticking to what you feel is best for YOU first is the most important consideration here - this means (for now) doing your best to ignore his statements - to include leaving the room when he speaks in this manner and tone. You quite simply don't deserve it and YOU do deserve to get this over with as quickly as possible.
If the financial thing is the "only" thing keeping you together for the moment - would you be able to swallow some pride and ask for a family member to assist with this conclusion? It would be much easier for you at this juncture to work with the family member on some form of repayment (if it involves money) than having to deal with the current situation as it stands.
Best to you and good luck!
Gerry
2007-11-30 09:00:51 · answer #4 · answered by Gerry 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just have to keep reminding yourself of why you made the decision. It's tough. It's hard. No one who's been through it would deny that, but go for the cleanest cut, try to remain neutral, and realize that you can ignore guilt--there's really nothing to feel guilty about. You've made a decision--emotional manipulation on his part (though in a sad way understandable) should not sway you.
Stay strong Linz.
2007-11-29 13:51:29 · answer #5 · answered by Todd 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Refuse to accept the guilt. Hang on to the truth that the break up is in fact a good thing. Breaking up is hard to do even when it is the best thing in the long run for both of you. It's going to hurt but staying in relationship that is going nowhere is even worse.
Good luck.:)
2007-11-29 14:21:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be firm. When he tries to guilt trip you, remind him of what exactly led to your decision to part ways. Tell him that that isn't going to change.
An tell him that making you feel guilty is only pushing you further away from him because it is emotionally manipulative and passive-aggressive. Someone who resorts to that behavior rather than talking problems out like an adult is not good relationship material.
This is NOT your fault. A relationship takes two people to work, and what you had before was not working. If there were irreconcilable differences, then it was something that neither person could change. And your parting was simply necessary for both of your well-being. Blame is childish and very destructive.
2007-11-29 13:46:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 7⤊ 1⤋
I'm assuming there's no way you can make a clean break of it. That would be the best. Since it doesn't seem like you can for now, every time he brings it up, just stick with "I" statements. Like "I feel this is best." "I need ......". "I want .......". It'll be hard, and I appreciate what you're going through, but stick to what you know you want and need for your life. Don't let him back you down. And try not to discuss it at all, after you've said what needs to be said, but if you do discuss it with him, just keep the focus on what YOU have decided is best for you.
Best of luck. (((Linz)))
2007-11-29 13:51:07 · answer #8 · answered by Kiwi 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You know what's what. You only feel what you allow yourself to feel. If you don't deserve to feel guilty, then don't. It's his fault that he's trying to project that on you, and that's something he has do deal with. Remove yourself from the situation as much as possible. Are you still sharing a residence? If yes, I'm sure you're working on moving out, just try to avoid him as much as possible. You don't need to be playing those games he's trying to rope you into. Surround yourself with friends as much as possible. If you can't avoid him, say straight to his face that you don't appreciate his manipulative mind tricks and you see right through them. Just stay strong, you'll eventually weather this storm. (((((Linz)))))
2007-11-29 13:53:15 · answer #9 · answered by Rachel loves lasagna 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If there's nothing to feel guilty over, don't worry about it. If it were me, I would let him know that what he's doing isn't working... Something like that would more than likely push me further away. People who try the guilt-trip thing just piss me off.
2007-11-29 13:46:18 · answer #10 · answered by River 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Stop and realize every time he tries to guilt you he is trying to manipulate you and control you...this in itself should affirm your decision to leave.
I'm not sure why you are deciding to leave but consider the guilt trips as a "backup" reason.
2007-11-29 14:26:31 · answer #11 · answered by queen of snarky-yack again 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋