repair, reconciliation, or closure?

Question

a young woman I lived with approx. 1989-1994. She had 2 daughters, J & R. The mom, M, will not allow contact now. The courts are not involved yet, and attorneys I contact tell me that if I exersize my parental right and get the courts to mandate visits the court will also mandate a child support fine, so large that it is in my best interest to not try and see these kids. i disagree. so does my religion. I am searching an attorney and asking for ways to repair, reconcile, or at least get a definate Y or N in the childrens best interest.

She is wealthy from a good family and will NOT except money from me.

Answer 1

I'm not sure what your question is, but I would encourage you to pursue the relationship with your children. It's important for children to have fathers in their lives who care for them more than they would worry about the financial damages a legal battle could cost them.

Be a daddy to your babies!! :-)

Answer 2

You have some good answers that have expressed some of the same concerns that I have. You don't say that the girls are yours but most of your readers assume that they are and I will make the same assumption. You don't say if you have had any contact between 1994 and now. If you have been absent in your daughters lives for the past 13 years, then I can understand M's reluctance to suddenly allow you in.
If you have had contact in the past and suddenly she won't allow it, then you need to explore the reasons for her new refusal.
I like the comment about examining your own behavior to make sure that you're not the cause of some legal reason for not being allowed to see them, ie. substance abuse or anger management.
I also like the comment about if there has been no court order for the past 13 years, then you can't be in arrears on any payments that were never ordered.
It is correct that if you need to court to order visitation, then they will also look at the issue of support until both girls are 18, at least one of which could be very close to that now.
One thing that I did not read in the other comments is that you can draft an agreement between you and M waiving support payment and granting limited visitation with the option of increasing later on if they prove to be positive. You can stipulate that you are not striving to reinstate your paternal rights beyond the ability to reestablish some form of limited relationship with your girls. However, be advised that they are old enough to express their desires to the judge and they may tell the judge that they don't want to see you. Yes, this stipulated agreement between the parties would have to have judicial approval.
You haven't stated why M does not want to let you see the girls. This information would have helped us to reach a better answer. So you need to explore for yourself what reasons she has to keep you away from the girls and work on overcoming those reasons.
Communication is the key to interpersonal relationships including the kind that you describe here.
I won't lecture you on the pros or cons of what you did between 13-18 years ago. That is for you to reconcile within yourself.
Let's deal with the here and now. You have daughters that should some day get to know their father. If they haven't had a father for the past 13 years, then it is going to be hard to start now. Please be patient but persistent. If you behave yourself, then some day, they will desire to get to know you. You may have to wait until after they leave M's house.

Answer 3

It's hard to answer this question w/o knowing where you live -- custodial laws are different from state to state.
Ultimately, the question I would ask is this: understanding your perspective [and I would recommend you talk to your bishop about this too if you haven't already] does the amount of money required really matter? I understand it may be daunting, [most courts will let you make payments] but does the $$ really matter? Those are your daughters. Your family. Check with your bishop about local LDS attys who do family law and see if you can get some assistance [they will understand your perspective and which may help]. My hubby is an atty - i'll check with him on your situation, but he probably only knows how the law would apply in our state [Utah].
Best wishes
EDIT:
hubby states this is according to UT law:
if this is in Utah, if there is no court-ordered child support at this time, then there would be no fine for past non-payment. Nothing ordered, nothing due. I don't know about other states. However, once you start proceedings to see the children, at some point child support will be ordered, and you would have to pay a monthly payment in child support. The amount would be calculated based on each party's current income.

Answer 4

"The mom, M, will not allow contact now."

That's a question of some concern. Do you have any work to do - in perhaps in the area of substance abuse issues, or anger management? Forgive me for taking a wild guess - I realize I don't know you, or know anything about you.

If there's an outside chance that M. might have a legitimate concern about the children seeing you, perhaps you could work on that?

You might want to check with your attorney first, but what would happen if you were to begin sending M a note with a check in it regularly, like twice a month, at a time she could begin to predict and count on? What if your notes contained messages - for the first few times - along the lines of, "I think of you and the girls often, and although I haven't lived up to my obligation to help support them in the past, I have been wanting to begin to make up for that now. No matter what you decide, I still want to do the right thing."

What if you included pictures and gifts - even gift cards to shops sometimes?

And if you kept this up over a long time.

And what if you let M. know that for whatever personal problems you might have had in the past, you have been seeking professional help for that?

Where do you think you might be in 6 months or a year?

Answer 5

If you are so deeply interested in morality (you say that your "religion" "disagrees" with what you are being told by society) then why didn't you marry this woman and commit your heart, money and LIFE to her instead of just shacking up with her?

You DO realize that by living with her instead of marrying her you were teaching those children that you weren't commited enough to them....or to her, right?

So NOW you care? You don't need an attorney and/or a court? If you're so interested in helping, then send them money WITHOUT A MANDATE. She CANNOT force a court to make you pay money if you aren't their biological or adoptive father.

As far as reconciling with their mother....that's up to the two of you...but NO MORE living together until she marries you.

Answer 6

This question has a peculier smell about it. One of "Her"
children should be at the most 18 and at the least 13 and
you have not see her or them for at least 13 years. NOW you
want to suddenly see the kids. Message. she has already raised them. You were Shacking and a absent father not paying child support. Aren't we all glad that her parents had money? Or we would all be kicking into the welfare pool for them. I think it would be in your kids best interest if you stayed gone.!! Since the thought of paying what you owe them has you hesitating. Sheesh exactly what religion do you have?!?1

Answer 7

Do you think she will accept money from you if you get the courts involved (ie, is she vindictive?) If so, I'd do everything I could short of getting the courts involved. If she isn't then find a lawyer to accept your case and make sure he understands that you only want to be able to see your kids.

Try going to M's parents. They may be more soft hearted than you think, especially if you keep your cool. Try explaining that you only want to see the kids, not revive some relationship with M. Meet with M's parents and give them an unsealed letter addressed to each of your kids and ask them to give the girls the letters. In the letters explain that you love them very much and always have. Ask for their forgiveness for not having tried this before, but also explain that you have never stopped wanting to have contact with them and that you've never stopped loving them. Then ask them to ask their Mother to allow them to see you. Include your address, but you may not want to include your email or phone number. By providing just your address, that will allow them (and M) to compose their thoughts if they want to respond to your letter. Also you might want to tell them and their Grandparents that you'd like to take it slow at first and meet with the kids at the Grandparents house or some other fairly neutral place that is away from M's house, but a place where the kids are very comfortable.

Just my thoughts.

Answer 8

If you are prepared to pay the back child support, you probably can get a court order for visitation. If you can't, it may not be possible. But what your religion says has nothing to do with it; it's what the Family Law judge says that matters.

Answer 9

You must not be to concerned with them if you are just now worrying about it. Be a man and pay child support,if you are a religious man like you say wouldn't you god want you to? May be the kids don't want to see you since you haven't helped them out all this time.

Answer 10

I suppose you have to ask yourself whether or not you can put a price on a relationship with your children.