Someone help me settle this adoption argument once and for all!?

Question

I'm 23, have always wanted children, I live on my own comfortably, make a decent living (not rich not poor) but I got preggo unwed and with a man who bailed out on me as soon as he found out. Despite him leaving, everyday I feel a little more confident that raising this child will be the best for both me and my child.

However the father (who's also 23) and his family cannot stop arguing that I'm making a huge mistake by keeping this child. They say I"m not looking out for its best interest b/c the best life would be w/ a 2 parent home. They email me, call me, show up at my house every few days and won't leave me alone! Their arguments go something like this: 1) you are too young 2) you dont have money saved 3) you're not married 4) you're only one person 5) needs 2 PARENTS no matter what

What can I do to make them shut up or go away?! Statistics or testimonies of adopted children might help...I dunno, I'm at my wits end with them here. Help!

For those of you who agree w/ his family on the 2 parent argument, doesn't it seem hypocritical that they can say that yet hold NO responsibility over the ACTUAL 2ND HALF of the parental unit...aka THEIR SON?!

To Colleen C: first of all, nice name. second of all, the post i made more depicts a hormonal pregnant woman who was left in a very tough spot than an immature person. I'm allowed to have feelings, its still a very new situation. Do not make formal judgements on my character based on comments I say on Yahoo Answers in anger. Quite frankly, I am allowed to be angry right now. They have been very insulting to me and in no other instance in my life has stirred up so many different emotions. I know you say you've never been in such a situation but just imagine it...and as a woman you know how overbearing emotions can be...imagine that times 9 months. And thirdly, I'm a good catch, I see all of your "single" parent statistics but I know someone will see the beauty in me that I see and eventually be there through thick and thin. I don't see myself being a single mommy forever :)

Answer 1

keep your baby . tell him if he don't want this child he can sign off his parental rights

Answer 2

Okay...here is the thing. And I am comming at this from the stand point of an Adoptee. I was given up for adoption in 1970 and my parents are wonderful. I had the ideal childhood where Mom was a stay at home mom and Dad was the traditional breadwinner. There are many people out there who would give your child a wonderful home.

The thing is that Yes, a 2 parent home is ideal but if you really don't want to give your child up and you can make it work there are many single mothers out there and if you give the child up then you will probably regret it later that you did.

They would not be saying anything if you and him were married and had this child so, I can't agree with their too young argument. No money saved...well babies do take up a lot of money and there will be a lot of sacrifice in store for you.

My question to you is what is your family saying and are they supportive to you. Will you have to do daycare or is there a Gramma who will help care for your child during the day. If you have to do daycare can you afford it if this guy doesn't ever pay child support. Or do you work from home or have that as an option.

Personally I would retain a lawyer to look out for your intrests regardless of what you decide. Because you have to ask yourself, why are they so involved. It sounds like to me, that they are afraid you are going to come after child support and so that is why they are pressuring you so hard.

You can get a restraining order against the family so they are violating the law if they come within so many feet of your house. I would do this because what they are doing is Harrassment.

I would also read books out there about being a single parent and talk to some single parents out there so that you know what you are getting yourself into before the baby comes. Also look into the other side as well, talk to adoptees and adoptive parents just so that you have a reference point.

Remember they can't force an adoption if you really don't want to do that. Either road you go down is going to be hard, just remember that it is worse to give the baby up and then decide that it is not right and try to get that baby back for everyone involved so if you want to go Adoption...make sure it is REALLY RIGHT for you.

Feel free to e-mail me if you want to know more about what it is like to be adopted.

Answer 3

first of all i am sorry that you're going through such a hard time right now. stay as strong as you sound. you're amazing. you have your head on straight, and you're right, you can do it. the family will COMPLETELY change their tune once they see that baby. the "father" and i use that term loosely, will have to pay child support.

i am a first mom who, believed that all children needed 2 parents, as a result i gave my daughter up for adoption, etc... well, her parents went through a very bitter divorce. FYI, divorce rate tends to run a bit higher among AP's, for a multitude of reasons. i think the stress of adopting adds to it. there are no guarantees that they will stay together or even live... the AP for my daughter has MS (the mom) and it's on the same progression as Annette Funnicele (spelling is totally wrong) she was a "mouseketeer" in the 1950's and later did beach movies as a teenager and young adult.

four years later, i got pregnant immediatly after getting married. he was very abusive and i left him without having a job, family support, and living in a strange town. i also had had my accounts cleaned out. i got a job, and an apartment. it was hard, but the best damn thing i've ever done in my life. the great thing about being a single mom, is that people will help you out. that's just human nature. plus, single moms tend to seek each other out. no matter where i went, i always found an instant support group because there are so many single moms who know they need to support each other. my child is happy, loving, and giving.

I also want to add that it was much easier when i was on my own, as far as raising him. i didn't have to deal with another parent. now, i'm married and most of the arguments are about the children.

don't worry about it, you're going to be fine. congradulations!

edit:

omg... those stats given about fatherless homes is ridiculous.

i've studied history all my life, most families were "fatherless" in the sense that the mothers were left at home to raise the children and the men would spend days, months, even years away from their children.

john adams
george washington
benjamin franklin
thomas jefferson


the list is ENDLESS....

Answer 4

Well I was pregnant at 17 {but then again I had gotten married 6 months before I got pregnant} the thing is that it doesn't matter how old you are as long as you know that you love that child and can give it the home that it needs. A child does not need a two parent home in order to be raised properly. If I were you I would take out restraining orders against them, and tell them to butt out. Hell even tell them that the baby isn't your boyfriend's. Anything to get them from bothering you. You need to be worried about yourself and staying healthy for the baby not being degraded by a bunch of idiots

Answer 5

Your question is very personal, that is a decision that you and only you can reach, HOWEVER try and focus on what YOU feel not on what others want you to do, If you are financially secure and already have a child why not try and raise your other child as well?, can you really face each day thinking about that little one that is no longer with you? Can you actually watch a birthday after another pass by and not wonder where he or she is and what he or she is doing? It take a very generous soul to give up a child,m usually a mother that wants her child to have better things and usually the mother will spend her whole life wondering, Me? Well i had a child at 19, another at 21 and my third at 23, they are all strong healthy boys and the loves of my life, Can't imagine life without the, fell in love the minute I first saw them.

Answer 6

I think that you are old enough to have a child, and you should be able to decide whether to raise the baby for yourself. If he is being irresponsible and not even taking charge of his own actions then why would they have a say in it at all?
Is a 2 parent home better than a 1 parent home? Sure, but not if the 2nd parent is a deadbeat!

Good luck

Answer 7

Personally what I would do is document all the times they have or do call or stop by. Even see if you can get some witnesses to some of these occasions and ask them if they would be willing to testify if necessary. I would then inform his family that it is not their decision to make no matter what their opinions are. Yes having two parents raising a child would be wonderful but not necessary to provide a child with the love, nurturing and support they need. This is your child and you should never be put in a position to choose unless it is something you really want. You're old enough to handle the responsibilities of raising your own child and there is nothing more special than a bond that a mother has with their child. The more they grow inside you the more connected you become. Placing a child up for adoption is a difficult decision and one you will have to live with for the rest of your life. If you want to parent then do so.

Tell them that it seems to you that they are more concerned about convincing you not to be a parent than having their own son take responsibility. Flatly tell them what you're going to do. i.e. "I'm raising this child and if you choose to not be involved in their life that's up to you. I will not expose my child to people who are more interested in being irresponsible than being supportive and loving to them, so it's your choice."

I would also let them know that regardless of what they choose if they do not stop the harassing, you are prepared to take this situation to court in order to protect you and your child. i.e. restraining order and child support.

The next thing you need to think about is whether you want to risk having to share time with your ex and the child. If you don't want him involved you may not want to push the child support issue but seeing as he's partly responsible he should also be financially responsible. Again I would let them know that you are prepared to make him be accountable if he chooses not to take responsibility. It's his choice as to how this will be played out. Just be firm and talk with confidence. Let them know you will not stand by any longer. You've heard what they had to say but the decision is yours. This is final and you will not listen to another word on the matter.

Answer 8

My first mother gave me up because she was told that I needed a two-parent home. As a result, I was given to a couple who divorced less than eight years later. So I was raised in a single-parent home, anyway. There are NO guarantees that, if you give a child up for adoption, it will be better off than if you raised it. Indeed, she went on to have four more children shortly after giving birth to me. She raised each of them.

I would cut off ties with him and his family. He lost his say when he left you. Politely tell them that it's no longer any of their concern.

DO NOT BE BULLIED INTO ANY DECISION BY SOMEONE ELSE. This is the most important thing. If you believe you can raise this child, and you have the support and resources to do it, then by all means DO.

As for their specific points...

(1) My adoptive parents were 24 and 25 when I was born. If they could care for me, why can't you, at 23?

(2) You make a decent living. 'Nuff said.

(3) - (5) Refer to my experiences. My adoptive father, who raised me and 3 other children did so when he wasn't married, was only one person, and was not 2 parents.

Adoption isn't the answer. I wish these people, who have chosen not to be a part of this, would leave you be. And I'm sorry you are going through this.

I wish you luck.

Answer 9

If the father bailed on you from the beginning then it's none of his business what you do. If he wants nothing to do with the child ie child support etc...then have him sign over his rights from the beginning. As for children who are adopted...they will all feel a loss at some point in their life not knowing who "mommy and daddy" were...but if you were to do an open adoption, that would help tremendosly. I say go for it...your not too young / on your own / and make a decent living. Children do not need "every thing they want", they need "all you can give" and the more hugs and kisses, the better! I know my "children" (haven't adopted them yet) would rather us go in the yard and play catch every day, then a new toy they play with by themselves every day!

Answer 10

The father and his family do not want to pay child support! Of course they are going to try and convince you to give up the baby! I have raised my two year old son by myself and you can too(I was 22 when I had him)! Don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. All that child needs is love, I promise! You need to write a note and post it on the door to your home that you are keeping this blessing and if anyone has a problem with it they need to deal with it on their own. They will get over this as soon as they see that precious angel!

1) You are not too young!
2) You do not need money saved up.
3) It is not reqired to be married to have and raise a healthy child.
4) Yeah, you are one person. One person who is going to have a mind of her own and do what SHE wants with HER life!
5) Well, #5 was a pretty ignorant statement on their end. You don't need 2 parents no matter what, it sounds like you are a great mother already!

I hope you do what YOU think is right for YOUR child. This is not their decision. You are the only one who is to decide this child's fate. I know you will make the right decision for your child, good luck! xoxo

Answer 11

I am 47 years old, and when I was 16, I was forced to give up my baby girl, and I REGRET IT EVERY DAY. NOT ONE DAY goes by that I don't think of her, and it took me twenty years to stop crying on her birthday. I now have 2 other daughters, that I love more than words can say, and I still have a huge hole in my heart where my first daughter is. I spend everyday hoping I did the right thing. DON'T let other people live your life. The only thing you need is the support of your family and friends. As far as the "father" of your baby goes, take the advise of the other people on this site, and call the police, get a court order, or do what ever it takes to get them off you back, and follow your heart. If you want to keep your child, keep it, love it and hold it close. May God Bless you and your child.