What do you do when your husband's parents favor his sister's kids over yours?

Question

I have 4 children ages 4-14. My husbands sister has 2 sons. My husbands parents have shown my kids pretty much no attention since my sister in laws kids came along. It really truly bothers us. My mother in law buys constantly for those boys, but NEVER buys anything for my kids. She sees them every single day, and sees mine about once a month, even though we live 5 miles away! We went over their on thanksgiving, and they pretty much disregarded my kids, and payed most of their attention to the other grandkids, even though they already see them everyday! My husband has talked to them on several occasions on how it bothers us, and how wrong it is to not spend any time with our children, but nothing changes. Just 3 weeks ago my husband called them because my 4 year old was saying that he missed them and wanted to go to their house, and told them maybe they should do something with him that weekend, and they never even called back!! It makes me sick. We just don't know what else to do.

BTW......nothing has happened to cause a rift between them and us. We have always gotten along with them, and my children are very well behaved. So, there is no excuse for this kind of behavior. I really wish to just cut all ties with them, because I really feel if they think my children are not worthy of their time, they don;t deserve to be in their lives at all! It causes friction between me and my husband, because he loves his family , but hates what they are doing.....but hey, I don't really care for them much anymore. My children are the most important thing to me, and they are picking up on the fact the other kids are more important than them.......sorry so long!!!!!!

Answer 1

nothing you can do, they havent grown up. i know the feeling so i dont take them over as much

Answer 2

First of all, there are two other questions that need to be answered.
The first is, has the sister always been favored over your husband, even when they were younger? If that is the case, it may be a family issue that has nothing to do with you or your children, you're just collateral damage.
The second is, since they see your SIL children so much more than yours, why is that? Do they make the effort to see them, visit them etc.., or does your SIL go over there more and make her kids more available to them? If that is the case, then perhaps you need to make more of an effort to make your children more a part of their daily lives.

If neither of those is the case, then I don't know why they treat them differently. The only way you are going to know is to try to have an adult conversation with your in-laws about why they make these differences. You said you husband has spoken with them on several occasions but you didn't say what their excuses were and if there was any validity to them.

Now, your in-laws may become defensive and may deny it. They may not be able to have an adult conversation with you. So don't let it turn into an argument.

If they can't or won't discuss it and nothing changes then you and your husband have to decide what the boundaries and guidelines are going to be and how involved you are going to let them be in your children's lives.

Answer 3

First, I have that same scenario.

I tell my kids there is not a thing wrong with them its the others problem. Some people just don't see things the way they are and we can't make them.


As far as the relationship with your kids and the grandparents, it doesn't sound to me like there is one. Rather than your children to end up feeling like less I'd keep them away as much as possible if not totally. Your husband can go see his parents on his own.

Its sad to have to be this way but the children shouldn't have to be subjected to grandparents that make them feel belittled. In which case there is no point for them to go as they will only receive negitive in that enviroment. You husband has to see his parents cause this so it is them who need kept away. However if he still chooses to visit then he should do so. He can't expect his loved ones to go with him if they are not treated nicely. The situation has to be accomindated fair or not. Right now it isn't fair to the children or you. So the best for all would be to keep the rest home and let dad go alone.

If the grandparents can one day acknowledge how they make your kids and you feel and change it genuinely, then its worth another try but I would expect different to continue my end. Kids face enough hardship in the world without getting it at grandma and grandpa's too.

Answer 4

Before getting too angry,there are some things to consider.Does your parents do a lot with the kids?Does your sis in laws kids dad's side do much with them?If your family does for your kids,but her kids dont have anyone on their fathers side,that may be your answer.I have that problem with my ex inlaws and three out of the 8 grandkids.They do everything for them,and one even lives with them.The rest of the kids are kinda left to fend for theirselves.A couple of weeks ago,I had a sit down with my ex inlaws and found out why.The one that lives with them has no one else,her mother and father both rejected her.The other two have a horrid home life.They live with their dad who is abusive,changes jobs frequently,and has a history of drug use.Their mother is addicted to meth and is not able to care for them.My parents are gone,but I have provided a large extended family for my kids through my new husband.The other three have their mom and grandma and moms fiancee.The three that get the attention from the ex's are jealous of the other 5 because they have stable home life's.Look at it from that perspective,and then try to figure out what is going on.If still no solution,try asking your in laws to explain to the kids in their own terms why they do so much more for the others.This way,your kids can express how they feel about the situation as well,even if they are only 4.Do it before the older ones give up and determine they have no use for gramma and grampa.

Answer 5

It's too bad, but these grandparents are just closer to one set of grandkids than to the other.
If you can't figure out how to be closer to them, you have to accept reality and not stew and stress about it . There's no point in getting upset. Try to maintain what contact you can, don't cut them off unless they do something really bad. A little grandparent time is better than none.
There must be other ways you can spend your time with your kids.

Answer 6

Hi hon... you can't choose another person's behaviors... or who they pay more attention to.... so trying to control what your in laws do is just as wrong as their lack of attention toward your kids....

People make choices and do what they want... if they buy all sorts of things for those other kids, they do... you can't control how they spend their money or who they spend it on.

You are letting the inlaws control your emotions and EXPECTING them to do it the way you would... when we have expectations of others, we are setting ourselves up for a big let down...

Perhaps be happy for the fact you're a good mom and your kids can depend upon you and their father for what they need in life... they have YOU and that's most important.

sending hugs

Answer 7

The problem may not be about your children but about their parents. Did your children's father marry someone his parents did not approve of?

If the grandparents want to keep their distance from your children, there is nothing you can do but let them. You would be wise to leave the situation as it is and stop trying to force them. To do otherwise is like trying to push a rope. Stop talking about the grandparents, altogether.

Answer 8

where are your parents? involve your children with them. i am very defensive when it comes to my children, I would have left and went home on thanksgiving and would not have allowed anyone especially grandparents to mistreat my kids. quit trying to force those people to love your kids, validate your kids at home with your love and explain to them that love comes naturally not by force.

Answer 9

this is common...it happened in my family...just do the best you can for your kids...

My granma was never interested in us but adored my 2 aunts kids..now they are all in a bad way...jobless, divorcees, drugs,
etc and its us lot that send her cash, presents, etc you can see the humility and gulit in her eyes and she is so proud...

Answer 10

I went through the same problem...................................

My solution was............... F them..........................
your kids don't need any other love other than Mommy and Daddy and they will be fine...................................................
I kept telling them when they grow up they are going to remember the way you ( grandma) treated them and you are going to be sitting in a convalesent home all by your f n self..