what do you do when u have a bf that doesnt listen?

Question

My bf and i have been together for 4 1/2 years.... and recently he just doesnt listen to me anymore.... when we have a argument he will just go off and if he would listen to me we couldve prevented thte argument. I have tried to talk to him.. he always says he will change but he never does. I have told him i will break up with him... but that doesnt do any good. what the hell should i do now?

do not tell me he is cheating on me bcuz i know he is not.

Answer 1

Let me tell you about "sending the wrong signals." You've threatened to leave multiple times 'if he doesn't start listening.' Please stop doing that, it doesn't work. That's the worst thing you could do. You've threatened to leave if he didn't start listening but he didn't START listening and you DIDN'T leave. You MUST set boundaries and stick to them. What you've taught him is that your threats have no merit and he can continue this behavior. He also needs YOU to listen and whatever it is you want or need from him you must tell him..in plain english....calmly. For example..don't expect that hug or that kiss. He CAN'T read your mind and he doesn't need hugs and kisses like you do. You have to tell him that's what you need from him.
If you say to him, in the middle of a heated arguement, "if you would listen to me we could've prevented the arguement" you're telling him he's stupid and you're smarter than he is. That your way works and his doesn't is to say that he is inadequate (I know that's not your intention, really). Even in the delivery of your question to us...read the first sentence.... you sound more like his mother to the casual observer than his girlfriend. I AM NOT trying to insult you, I promise. But you've got to understand that men and women 'hear' things differently. And they also have different needs and idea's as to how to properly conduct themselves in the midst of a serious relationship. You may very well be contributing to the problem and not even realize it. ASK HIM if you're behavior is WHY he stopped listening. You must be willing to admit that the problem could be at least half your fault until it's proven otherwise.
I'm 38 years old. I've been married for eleven years to a man who has a head like a brick and listens like a post(in my opinion). But he is a wonderful man, I love him dearly, and there is no doubt in my mind that we will grow old together and die. I used to do what you're doing. I did it because he really did make poor choices and everytime I told him something it would turn out exactly the way I said it would "if he didn't listen to me!" Boy I was so sure of myself. I spent years calling him a moron and never even knew it. When the truth came out I found that I had helped drive the man I love away with my insensitivity to HIS need to be heard.
I could talk to this fool and halfway through the next sentence he's asking me the same question I just answered two seconds ago. It was frustrating..and it's taken years to come to terms with, understand and fix. In the end I discovered that I needed a lot of fixing.
Obviously there is a problem if this is a "lately" problem.
1) he isn't interested in you anymore
2) he is stressed out over something major
3) he's tuned you out because you've been unknowingly insulting him
As time passes, people mistakenly believe that relationships are going to 'even out' and run themselves and that they don't require so much work anymore. That is a false sense of security and often leads directly to the problem you are experiencing. And men are a lot more work than most women realize. They just don't wear their hearts on their sleeve like us ole sappy women do. They are taught to be tough and unemotional. But your man needs reassurances from you. he needs to feel appreciated and needed. He doesn't feel very needed if you keep telling him that he doesn't listen and HIS way sucks.
I strongly advise you and your other half to sit down with a therapist NOW before this situation gets ugly and the two of you wind up apart if that's not what either of you want. We find most times that most of what we were taught by our parents about relationships was wrong..or that we weren't really paying attention. Learning to interact in a loving, supportive way with your spouse can make all the difference in the world. It can make both of you feel as if you are the happiest couple on the planet..whether you've been together for a year or twenty. Not learning to nurture that relationship properly can leave you asking yourself exactly what you're asking us now. Life is much to short for that.
My husband and I used to spend hours at a time trying to 'talk' and usually it ended up in an arguement. The reason for that is that neither of us felt 'heard.' Now, we can be in the same house day and night, barely speak to one another, and both of us are happy and content because when we DO talk we both know we've truly been heard by the other. It's a wonderful feeling and it's made our lives totally different. Now we really know how to work together to solve a problem or an obstacle.
You're frustrated and you're no doubt angry. I can tell you're about halfway to the front door now. If you love this man and he loves you, you've got to seek help to put things right. Otherwise go on and pack because this is not going to get better unless both of you commit 110% to fixing it...and fast.

Answer 2

Guys hate to be bossed around. Even if what you're telling him to do is a smarter course of action then what he would have chosen, it still hurts a persons pride. You can't imagine that because you aren't in his position. Even from your description of the relationship you make it pretty apperant that you are always telling him what to do. I think it's pretty obvious what he's doing by not listening to you, it's called silent and peaceful protest.
He says he will change and promises the world because he doesn't want to be "that kind of guy" that doesn't care about what his girlfriend feels. But in reality he's not willing to let go of those things in his life. And you threatening to break up with him is just going to make him put out even less effort. The reason for this is that he wishes you would break up with him but he doesn't have the guts to break up with you himself.
He doesn't have the guts to be honest with himself and be honest with you and just say that he doesn't want to change, is unwilling to do any work for the relationship, and would just rather break up.
I suggest you stop wasting your time on this guy, you've heard it a million times that you can't change a guy. So why not just listen to plain old common sense and break it off quickly, instead of suffering through another 2 and a half years of misery?



NOTE:Don't worry, he's not cheating on you. If he was cheating on you he'd be trying a lot harder than he is, just to make sure you didn't think anything was up.

Answer 3

1. If you're giving idle threats like saying you're going to break up but then don't, of course he won't listen. Why should he?

2. Sometimes what we don't say speaks louder than what we do say. If he goes off or the two of you are both going off, silence yourself and refuse to shout anymore.

3. If he says he will change but doesn't, then you need to wake up, girl. He's using that stupid phrase just to get you to shut up about whatever it is you're fighting over. He's not going to change - EVER.

You need to decide if you want to stay with him for the rest of your lives with him being the way he is right now, because he's not - I repeat NOT - going to change very much. He might grow up a little, but as people, we most of us don't change all that much over time - we just become more and more of who we really are, for better or worse. Can you live with that in him? If so, stop fighting with him over the things he does or doesn't do that he says will change.

If you can't, it's time for you to go.

Answer 4

This is a fun situation. There are two options that can be profoundly effective.

One is to throw some kink into your relationship. By this i mean control his orgasms. It's "weird" but it can be very effective in drawing his attention back to you. He has grown accustomed to not listening to you/blocking you out and you need to get some control over his attention. Not necessarily over him as a being, but at least his attention span, and orgasm control is pretty effective in doing this.

Second would be to let him know that he is not fulfilling your emotional needs. When he says, "i'll change, i'm trying to change," tell him you've heard it before and you need to know if he is losing interest in what you have to say or if there is something on his mind. If he is just too focused on other things i.e. video games, football etc. then the relationship is probably bound to hit rock bottom soon and you'll have to break it off.

Answer 5

The real issue could be that you don't listen to each other anymore... I'm sure your bf doesn't need another mother... If he did he would still be living at home and NOT with you.. Maybe the two of you need to talk about "wants/needs"... He's probably "tuning" you out because he's tired of hearing you complain about things that he does.. Remember he's a separate person from you that's able to act and think for himself. If you are NOT happy with who he is than maybe it's time for you to break up... Also, depending on what you are arguing about pick your battles... If it's petty like "how to fold the towels" then let it go... If it's something more I would try and talk it out.. Let your BF voice HIS opinion/thoughts w/o interruption... That might help...

Answer 6

Umm....I'm sorry...what was that...?

But seriously...don't make threats that you won't follow through on. If you said you'll break up, either do it, or don't say it. You're telling him you're not serious, and don't mean what you say.

Perhaps he has already mentally moved on, or if this is a recent change, maybe he has something big on his mind. Sometimes my wife gets in a really bad nagging mood and I just tune her out. Generally, we (guys) don't like getting nagged constantly. It sounds like this may be happening here. Back off, give him space, and see what happens.

Again, don't make threats that you don't intend to follow through on. What would you do if he replied "Fine, then leave." Be honest...would you? Didn't think so...

Answer 7

Well had you two been together for only a short time I would tell you to move on and leave his sorry ***, but since you two have been together over 4 years and you said this is a new thing I would suggest that maybe he is stressed or has alot on his mind. Let me ask you this when he isn't listening what are you saying, because maybe you are nagging or repeating stuff that you to already disscussed over and over and this will definatly cause a man to ignore what you are saying. Think about it.

Answer 8

BREAK UP WITH HIM...

...Ok...so, maybe just for a few days.
He'll get a taste of what it feels like to be without you.

Right now, he may just think you're all talk and no action, so no matter what you say he's not gonna wanna change (at the moment). Sometimes, people need to have their own space to sort out their thoughts.

He'll see what it's like to be without you and will probably take you more seriously.

Answer 9

Take some space. Be more distant with him and when he asks what's up, tell him you feel the relationship is a bit strained and maybe you need to spend a little time apart or if not, maybe he can offer up what's REALLY going on and actually communicate with you.

Answer 10

making threats does nothing, he is sick of hearing the same stuff over and over again hearing about how he has to change. I say leave him cuz I am the same as him and if he really wants you and wants it to work he will follow you and show you the change before you 2 can get back togather