What are some good ways to discipline your kids?

Question

My son is out of control! I know that children are a reflection of you but my daughter does not act as bad a my son. He does not do time out. He tell's me no, spanking only makes him cry. He say I will not do it again etc.... What is some way that will help me regain some control? Please no bad comments because I am looking for some serious help Thanks.

Answer 1

Is this behavior new or has it been long going? Have there been any recent changes in his life? Is your family under stress? Does he have reason to feel so angry? If so, he may need a little extra love and support. He may be acting out to feel powerful and gain attention. I know you love him dearly and want him to be happy, but many parents make the mistake of wanting their child to “like” them. If this sounds like you, it will be difficult for him to learn to respect you as a parent. When children do not respect their parents, the parents have no control of them and the child feels they do not have a "safety net" (strong parents who can set and stick by a limit provide a safety net). Children scream for limits! It sounds like he is pushing for a limit when he says “No” to you.

The best way to discipline children is to use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. Spanking is a punishment and does not teach self control. Time outs are punishments as well and, therefore, do not work. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he draws on the wall, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, he puts in the trash. If he chooses not to listen to you, you can choose not to listen to him. If he doesn’t want to eat, he gets hungry. If he doesn’t want to wear his coat, he gets cold outside (natural consequence) or he cannot go outdoors until he is ready to wear it (logical consequence). Get creative! Let the “punishment” fit the crime

Do your best and insist that he comply the first time you request something. If you do not, he will learn that “No” doest not mean it when you say it the first time. Another thing you can try when he is misbehaving is this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a quiet spot in your home (bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (control yourself, stop hitting, listen, behave, calm down…) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He can return when he is ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

Empathize with him when he is calm. Say things like “I can tell that you are feeling very (angry, upset, hurt, mad, frustrated). What can we do about that?” It will help him to better express himself. Let him know what you thought of his misbehaviors. When he sees how you feel, he will be able to empathize with you and then feel sorry and be able to tell you and mean it.

Notice your son when he is not misbehaving!!! Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! You ran super fast! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders, wonderful ways to show your positive attention, and will help him to feel powerful in a positive way.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible so that the “No’s” have more meaning. Do your best to stay patient and consistent and to keep your hubby on the same page!

Hope this helps and that you can find a little peace!

Answer 2

I don't think the phrase is meant to be taken literally and I do think it was coined by some sniveling uptight aristocratic crone who never had children of her own. But on the serious side, depending on which child is older, acting out behaviors are usually triggered by a need for attention-regardless of the 'quality' of attention the behaviors elicit. As a rule of thumb, and my first commandment with my son- I always tell him what "to do" never "don't do...".Children, and some adults too, are very selective when filtering messages from the environment. As a result, when a parent tells a child "Hey! Don't talk back to me like that!" The child actually 'hears' "Talk back to me like that!" They never hear the word 'don't', only what follows it. By telling the child what you would like them to do instead of what they are doing,they get the message. "Lets use our 'indoor' voices" etc. The technique is referred to as 're-directing' where instead of continuing the disruptive/negative behavior, the child is re-directed to do something else, and then given positive reinforcement for complying. Its challenging as a parent to get into the habit of giving good redirects since most of us were raised with the "don't do this, don't do that, spanking the bottom" etc. Once you begin using positive RD's they will come naturally and you will be amazed at how easy life becomes. You regain control of the household, your son will realize there are better ways to gain good attention without feeling that he is being 'controlled' or that his free will is being taken away, and your daughter will observe the change in the atmosphere and all will-hopefully- have their needs met. Hope this helps, there are lots of books available about behavior modification, empowering children to make good decisions and the like. My personal advice, try to eliminate spanking, for the most part it only teaches children that they are smaller and weaker and they should fear adults, not respect them. And once the stinging from their sore bottom stops, chances are the memory of what they did to deserve it have disappeared too. Besides, no parent ever wants to or enjoys resorting to physical means to discipline a child. Its a thin line but I know you are a good parent or you wouldn't be reaching out for help. You may email me if you would like more info. Take care and good luck. Peace.

Answer 3

I'm not exactly sure what behavior your son is exhibiting, but here are some ways to deal with tantrums if that is the problem. Some parents have success with putting their child in their room when they're having a tantrum and telling them they may come out when they are ready to play nicely and not hurt anyone. Since tantrums are usually for attention, they won't want to keep them up if they are removed from attention for them. At the same time, praise good behavior and give positive attention so that your child will want to do positive things for attention. Oh, don't leave you child alone in a tantrum if you think he is so out of control he'd hurt himself. In that case, hold your child tightly and tell him you won't let him hurt himself or anyone else and you will let go when he can make good decisions with his body.

Time outs do work with my daughter who is just turning 2. They got her to stop hitting. Time outs should be immediate and brief, with an explanation of why and then quickly move on to cheerful when done. If she got up, the time out started over. I also just do a lot of redirecting if she's into something she shouldn't be rather than harp "no" all the time, which is frustrating for her.

Answer 4

If he's doing something bad and doesn't like to be spanked, warn him let him know he needs to stop and if he doesnt he will be spanked.... my sons only 15 months but if he's doing something he's not suppose to he gets two warnings the first time I tell him no, and if he doesn't stop I say "you want your butt busted?" nine times out of ten he'll look up at me, and stop whatever it was he was doing, very seldom do I ever have to spank him, if that doesn't work, take away something that means a lot to him. He might cry, crying is actually good because it means that the kid does not like the punishment, you just have to be continous with it, if your not continous, he's going to know that he can get away with different things and he will keep trying.

Answer 5

Here's some great info. on discipline:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp