Trouble at daycare. My 4 yr old cutie pie possibly being discriminated against. Help!?

Question

I need some practical mature mommy advice. My daughter has recently withdrawn and dislikes going to school. Certain children pick on her by saying they dont want to be her friend. My daughter is beautiful and sweet but she is not blue eyed blond haired like the "ring leader" of the class. I have approached the "teacher" and asked what she is doing to kind of diversify the classroom. I have never known a pre-k class to be so segregated! is that normal? the teacher says she hates to break the children away from their "best friends" they "give sad eyes" if she breaks them up. I think she is encouraging this behavior to have a segregated class room. What should I do? Or how can I get her to understand? OR am I just overreacting? To worsen it the teacher's daughter is best friends with the "ring leader". My daughter is beautiful and is going to be a knockout in highschool, she truly doesnt need to worry about these girls.....how do you get a 4 yr old to understand? Please help

WOW you guys have all been awesome!! thanks for all the advice. I wanted to clarify one thing.
Segregate:to separate or set apart from others or from the main body or group; isolate.
I wasnt exactly speaking of racial segreagation. I was kind of leaning toward social segregation. However race may play a part. Either way I took a little from each of your comments. Thank you very much. I have spoken to the teacher before about the little ringleader. The mom is going through a rough time and she has a 16yr old daughter showing a 4 yr old behavior not befit a 4yr old. I believe children are molded the adults are the ones to be held responsible at this young age. Kids will be kids, so my large problem lies with the teacher..why isnt she doing anything..she has acknowledged the problem.

Answer 1

If you think that the teacher is not cooperating because she has an ulterior motive (and she very well may since her beautiful DD is the other half of the problem) then maybe you want to address the issue again.

I probably wouldn't outright say what you're thinking just yet because you may sentence your daughter to a more miserable remainder of the school year than she needs..

My son is only one, and I dont have any experience beyond that, so I don't know how to reason with a 4 year old...but being honest with her is probably a good place to start.

Some people aren't nice.
Some people have no manners
Sometimes people do mean things
And it doesn't mean that the mean things they say are true...they're just trying to be mean.


This is totally normal behavior though...(maybe not this young) but I remember in my own grade school and middle school and high school...there were always clicks and ring leaders and different segregated groups of people...I don't think it has anything particularly to do with RACE. I think kids in general are just rotten to each other...and more so when their parents ( I mean the teacher) don't do the right thing and step in.

Maybe you should go back to the teacher and tell her that school isn't about "best friends" being together and not having "sad eyes" ...it's about having a consistant and pleasant environment FOR ALL THE CHILDREN that is conducive to learning....

Good Luck

Answer 2

It's clear that you love your daughter, but sometimes it's tough to see our kids through objective eyes. Is there another mom who knows you both who can tell you if your daughter is too shy, too aggressive, too something? Your daughter's teacher can often be a good guide, but it sounds like you don't trust her.

I'm not sure if 4 y.o.s know how to discriminate, but they certainly have their friendships. And if some of the children's parents are friends or socialize outside of school or live on the same street, I can imagine that your daughter could feel shut out.

If I may say, and I mean this as gently as possible, I wonder if you're seeing what you *think* you're seeing. You seem awfully fixated on your daughter's beauty, and on how she's being treated unfairly and undervalued. Part of school is learning how to have a full and separate identity - I'm sure she has other gifts and abilities, and perhaps encouraging those would help the situation.

We've always lived in very diverse communities, so maybe I'm not seeing something. But I do think that it's early to cry segregation. Focus on teaching your daughter the importance of intelligence, self-confidence and a feeling of self-worth that's derived from achievements, not her physical appearance, no matter how striking or lovely.

Better to build her up to deal with whatever life has in store than to try to smooth out every unfairness.

Answer 3

Enroll her in other activities outside of preschool so she can have lots of friends besides the ones in her class.
Dance class, gymnastics, soccer, etc.

Sunday School, and other church activities would also be a great way for her to make lots of different friends too.

As for her prek class, I wouldn't REALLY worry about it. I work with 4 year olds, and that's how the little girls act. One minute they are best friends, the next they "don't like eachother anymore" and then all of a sudden they are playing babydolls together again! Encourage your daughter to play with the other girls as well, and to not worry about the mean ones. If you feel that the teacher really isn't helping your daughter, or not treating her fairly, talk to the person in charge of the daycare about switching classes. You daughter deserves just as much attention as the rest of the class! Four year olds are way too young to discriminate others, so you might simply want to get your child into another class.

Also, it might just depend on the parents of the children. Since the children are basically already "paired off," that probably means that their parents are friends, therefore, their children play together alot more than just at preschool. Invite a few of the little girls over to your house! Your daughter will become closer with them, and you will have a chance to meet the mothers! It might work out to both you and your daughter's advantage=)

Good luck!

Answer 4

My daughter that is 4 is shy and when the preschool comes to my house I saw that she mainly played alone. There are two girls there and they only play together. It is nice to have 4 year olds include others, but you really can't force them to like your child. We got a new little girl in the group and my daughter enjoys playing with her. Just try to see it in the 4 year old eyes and have more play dates at home with a girl your daughter enjoys. It isn't always about looks, one of the girls that has the friend has this thing where, when she looks at you, she isn't really looking at you. I am not describing it well, but she has an eye focusing problem that could easily be made fun of, but they don't care about looks, they have grown up with each other and are good friends.

Answer 5

I understand, my daughter was having the same problem, although she is slightly older and in grade 1. I mentioned briefly to her teacher once that she was having some problems adjusting and could they encourage her to play with the other children and vice versa. Then i just reminded her how amazing she is and how special she is in her own way and told her to keep trying, and to show the other girls how nice she is. I also encouraged her to think whether there were any other kids in the class who might be nice and in similar situations to her, that she hadnt thought to make friends with. Although she still complains occasionally, she now has a group of nice girls to hang out with, and has fit in rather well. Dont be discouraged. The most important thing is to take care of your daughters self esteem and provide her with the skills to resolve this on her own. That way she will have friends and be proud of herself for having bonded with them. Good luck.

Answer 6

confident she actually desires to be punished. it fairly is probably an exceedingly risky element, what in the event that they went on a field holiday and she or he did no longer suggestions and ended up working around the parking zone or ran faraway from the gang and have been given lost etc. The defiance of authority figures is frightening - at her age she would desire to be obedient and the undeniable fact that she disobeyed instructors AND administrators potential that she has no appreciate for authority. you do no longer seem vast on self-discipline considering you're asking if she would desire to additionally be punished for this, this would nicely be a close by you will desire to artwork on individually. If she does not hear and obey you and the different grownup in authority then she would desire to be punished. it is so easy as doing away with priveleges (no television time for a week or no journeys to the park for a week). you will desire to offer her a stern lecture approximately obeying instructors, and how college is a privelege and that if she shouldn't behave you will locate an selection project that she would manage to no longer savour as plenty. actually make a huge deal approximately this so she thinks two times next time.

Answer 7

I would talk to the teacher first,and let her know what your seeing and how you feel,and explain to her your daughters reaction to all of this.
If you dont get a satisfactory resolution to the issues then go to the head of the school or perhaps the school board,and tell them the same thing
go through the chain of command by starting with the lowest person on the pole first (the teacher) and work your way right up in ranking until you get the results and answers your looking for.
Dont except small answers or resolution,,,I believe she is segragating and classrooms shouldnt be segragated .
To get a 4 year old to understand, I believe would be very very difficult. Just talk with your daughter,let her tell you how she feels - teach her how to express herself without haveing a tantrum or starting a fight...Explain to her that you are trying to work on the problem to make things better..

Answer 8

Have you spoken with the director of the day care about you concerns? If not I would certainly do that. It sounds like the "ring leader" is hearing hateful things at home that is causing him/her to treat your daughter the way she is. I do not agree that any classroom should be segregated that is not normal in any way. You might be able to move her to another classroom of children her age if there is one at the daycare.

I don't think there is a way to get your daughter to understand why she is being treated that will be very hard to do. I am sorry your daughter is having to go through this.

Answer 9

Oh, my heart goes out to you. My daughter had a similar situation when she went to kindergarten. Most of the other kids had blondish or light brown hair and blue eyes. My daughter had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, and yes, she was the only one with this coloring, To say the least, she stood out, but some how it worked out to her advantage, at least with the boys (in kindergarten and all through school).
The most interesting day of school, at least for me, is the first day because I like to watch the kids, you can pick out which ones will be a problem for you and your daughter. One preemptive strike I like to use is to invite the potential trouble maker over for a play date, let them get to know your daughter in a positive way in which you control. This also gives you an opportunity to positively influence this child to your daughter's favor. See what I'm saying? I have 4 children and this has worked more that once. If in the future I/we have a problem with this child again, I just simply invite them over again. Works all the time. Good luck!

Answer 10

Is the teacher the same person that owns the place? If not I'd go higher up, and have a conference with the owner and the teacher. They need to understand that at this young age it gives them the opportunity to teach these girls NOT to be snobby, or cliquish now, and how to embrace each other even if we are different. If you don't have much luck, make sure YOU teach that to your little wee one and...heck! let her play with the boys. They are way less likely to judge in that way.