Isn't it rude to not have something prepared for a vegetarian guest on Thanksgiving?

Question

My boyfriend invited me over to his Parent's house for Thanksgiving. (A loooong time ago.)
I was informed by his Mother yesterday that they would be skipping the traditional turkey and instead would eat king crab and various sea food dishes.
She then went on to tell me she didn't think there would be anything for me to eat, as I am a vegetarian.
Well, call me a stickler for etiquette, but aren't the hosts supposed to provide the vegetarian guest with something vegetarian to eat?
If they don't want to go out of their way to cook something or pick something up for me, at least my boyfriend should, right?
I told his Mother (who I get along with well, by the way) that I could just pick something up for myself at the store and bring it over. She didn't object.
I don't know if they are completely lacking in manners or if I am just expecting what I think is a normal thing..is it me, or isn't that truly very rude?

By the way, I don't mind providing myself with food, as I know it is more about the company than the food. I just think it is bad manners to know someone is coming over who does not eat meat and not have anything for them.
In my experience, everybody has always cooked things especially for me.

Answer 1

I do think that this is rude. If she invited you than she should have either made something for you to eat(even if it wasn't much), or told you ahead of time that she didn't know how to prepare, or didn't want to prepare something for you, and you had to do it. Telling you the day before makes it even more rude and inconsiderate, as you are now in a tight spot. If she told you a week or so ago you could have made other plans or come up with your own dish.

In my opinion the rude part is not that she is not making something for you, but the fact that she didn't tell you until the day before. Some people just don't understand, and your bf mother seems like one of these people. This is why I always bring my own main dish with me. I use it as a main and others can use it as a side dish if they please. Never assume that people are going to do anything for you, always ask or just do it yourself.

Answer 2

Most people would want to provide a welcoming atmosphere and accomodate guests. How far that extends is up to them.

Fortunately i've never been in that situation as a veggie of 28 years. So I guess I'm lucky with friends and family.

She probably sees your vegetarianism as "not real",a "fad" or doesn't understand how much it means to you. Many people seem to think "oh, its thanksgiving, a little turkey won't hurt". They are not rude on purpose.

Maybe take some time ( not over the family dinner table ) to explain your reasons and commtiment to being veggie ( if she wants to listen that is )

Unfortunately you are probably seeing the result of all the damage the fish eating, chicken munching flexi-vegetarians are causing. They are complete de-valuing the word vegetarian to the extent where othere no longer understand it.

I know someone who now uses the words "dictionary vegetarian" because he is so fed up with all the new corruptions of the word vegetarian.

Answer 3

If they have been aware this whole time that you are a vegetarian then this is entirely poor judgement on their part. This would be like inviting over a Jewish person and serving only pork or a muslim and serving beef. If she is hosting Thanksgiving then she should be accomodating her guests. Informing you the day prior to Thanksgiving is very rude because it doesn't give you any time to make plans to go somewhere else. Either way they should be having something without meat even just as an side dish. It's very unhealthy and unbalanced to eat that large of a meat quantity.

Answer 4

I don't think she's being a very good host to even the meat eaters if she only cooks seafood. There should be at least a side dish of vegetables which you could also eat. I don't however think she should be expected to cook a specific vegetarian dish for you... it would be polite and thoughtful if she did but she shouldn't be expected to.

If I were in your situation I would ask if I could cook a vegan dish to take with me that everyone else could have as a side too if they felt like it. Not only would I have something nice to eat then but also other people would be able to try something they probably would have never tried before.

Answer 5

She may not have meant to be rude, but I've noticed a lot of "backlash" behavior from carnivores all my life. Even though I'm not terribly militant (it's not like I sit at their tables and say "MOOOO, how could you!"), they get very defensive and I can't tell you how many times someone has tried to spike me (give me tomato sauce with meat in it, or stuffing that's been up a turkey's but), or say, "can't you just pick off the pepperoni?", as if I'd be ok with meat juice all over my pizza, just not visible chunks. Sometimes I think meat just makes people mean; but maybe it's their own subconscious guilt that makes them behave this way. You know the saying, "if slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetatarian" - I think lots of meat eaters are just too addicted to it to really examine all the horrible implications of what's on their plates. That said, making a big deal over it will NOT win her over. Better to emphasize how much healthier you are for it and don't gloat when she gets colon cancer or coronary artery disease. It's called personal choice for a reason, and she may just be too old to change, or too close-minded to want to. Try having her over for a delicious falafel-fest someday; but don't be surprised if she brings her own hot dogs.

Answer 6

I think that any dinner host should ask their guests if they have any special dietary requirements and then try to have something they can eat. That is common curtesy and what is having a dinner party if there is no curtesy to your guests.

If the host does not ask, then it is up the the guest to inform and ask if this is a problem. I think you are being very gracious to offer to bring something for yourself. Maybe you could go the extra yard and bring some to share with others, too.

Your host is not really doing her job. It is probably more intransigence than something directed towards you. People get weird about holiday traditions and they often can't think of doing something different than they always did. [I just re-read your question though, and the king crab/seafood menu kind of kills that idea.]

I think it is admirable of you to take it so well. You're bf should be proud of you. Make sure he takes you out to a nice vegetarian restaurant, soon, as a reward!

Answer 7

Basically you are in the same category as a person with a food allergy, except your food issue is voluntary. As for rudeness, well that's a mixed bag. It's kind of rude of you to expect special food at someone else's family dinner. And it's rude for a host to completely disregard a guest's special dietary needs. However, in this case your boyfriend's mom did tell you in advance. It' quite possible that she simply forgot during meal planning that she had to prepare something for a vegetarian. But at least she had the courtesy to tell you in advance instead of just letting you sit at the table and watch everyone eat. At this point nobody is being rude.

However your expectation that someone should cater to you is a bit pushy. You have chosen to be a vegetarian, and you have to accept that fact that not everyone will understand your decision. The host's obligation is to provide sufficient food for everyone. But unless you have a life threatening allergy, you have no right to dictate the menu as a guest. You boyfriend probably should have tried to arrange something for you, but most guys are pretty hands off with holiday dinners, so he probably isn't used to contributing to this effort.

Just relax and let it go this time. If you find that every time you go over for dinner there is no food that you can eat, then they're being rude. This time, call it a learning experience and enjoy their company.

Answer 8

If someone invited you for a meal at their home, knowing when they did so that you were a vegetarian, and then didn't prepare a meal you could eat - yes, it's extremely bad manners.

Telling you the day before a major holiday you have arranged, at their invitation, to spend with them, that there will be nothing for you to eat is beyond rude.

It's not as if you have invited yourself at short notice and expected to be accommodated, as some answers here appear to suggest.

You are to be commended on your good manners; in your place I would have been tempted to tell your hosts where to go

It's easy to accommodate a minority diet, even when you are cooking for several people, and if you have invited someone to your home to eat, that is what good manners requires you to do.

Answer 9

Hmm...this sounds like a tricky situation. Yes, it would be ideal if the host provided something for you, but in the holiday season everyone is so busy that it may not have occurred to her until after the menu was planned that there was nothing for you to eat. Since it sounds like you usually get along with your boyfriend's mother, and she doesn't mind you bringing something over for yourself, then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. However, you might want to think twice before accepting an invitation to eat a holiday meal with them again...or, if you do accept, plan on bringing a vegetarian dish over to share. That way you'll guarantee that you have at least one thing you can eat!

Answer 10

Of course we're only hearing one side here, but I also take the "There's nothing for you here" tone to mean you're not welcome.

I don't think anyone *should* go out of their way to cook for someone else. It would be nice and considerate of them to include all guests, though. If you're lacto-ovo I don't know what the hell she's doing to the mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, veggies, green bean casserole, or whatever else they make to make them not even l/o vegetarian friendly.

Depending on how much I liked them & the tone I felt when she told me there was nothing for me there, I'd either eat before I go or decline politely. Most people would probably bring their own main dish to share, not expect their boyfriend to pick up the slack. If I did decide to go I'd probably bring vegan stuffing & vegan mushroom gravy, and hope she didn't add milk or butter to the potatoes.
No, scratch that. I wouldn't go if I wasn't welcome.