When should I tell my son??

Question

I have a 6 yr old son that is a product of a rape. My husband has always considered him his, he knows he's not though. My son and older daughter has no idea. I have no way to contact the biological father, don't really care to. But my question is if and when is the time to tell my son, that the wonderful man that he thinks is his father, isn't? What do I do when he wants to know who he is? Do I explain to him he was conceived in evil and not love? Please someone help!!!

Answer 1

Wow, that's a tough one. I am a firm believer of telling a child as soon as they can understand that the parent they believe is theirs is not if that is the case. However, in your case I really don't know how you would tell a child that. I believe honesty is the best policy, but sometimes it's not?

I found this website: http://www.voicesofstrength.org/pregnancyafterrape

They have a message board there, perhaps you could post on there, surely there are others that have gone through the same thing.

I wish you the best of luck, and thank God that you have a wonderful husband!

Answer 2

Ultimately this is a question only you can really answer, as you know your son and we don't. However, I think you will find a perfect moment. Perhaps it will be after a program he might watch with adoption, or maybe he'll meet someone in school who knows their adopted. Whatever, something will create a "natural" opening, and you will be able to share with him. What you tell him will naturally be determined by his age and how much he can comprehend. For instance, instead of telling him he was concieved in evil you might want to say that his father wasn't a nice person and Mommy did not love him or want to make a baby with him. That's why his biological father is not in his life. As he gets older he'll undoubtedly come back to you with more questions. The more calmly and matter of factly you answer them, the more reassured he will be. Always stress to him that you love him no matter how he was made and that your husband CHOSE to be his daddy. This is special because most daddys just get the kids who are born, but HIS dad chose him on purpose. That sort of thing. I have never regretted letting my son grow up knowing that his father wasn't the man I married. He's had rejection issues, because his "real" dad never wanted to acknowledge him, but he knows they're really his father's issues, not his.

Answer 3

Did your husband adopt your son? If not it would be a good idea to do so.
Your son deserve to know that his daddy isn't his birth father. The sooner you can tell him the simpler the explanation can be. "Daddy adopted you because your birth father wasn't able to take care of you." Simple, and to the point. The boy need never know that his biological father raped you. Tell your son there is no way to contact the man. All the while your husband should continue loving his son as always;as his own.
If your son persists on knowing his birth father when he becomes an adult, then you can decide to be forth coming with him about the details. But never refer to him as being conceived in evil. He is loved and is a wonderful creation.

Answer 4

I am so sorry for you this can not be an easy discussion to have. I also think you need to talk to a child psychologist about how to go about telling this to your son. Telling a person that they are a product of rape well who knows how they will handle that. I realize truth is the best policy yet in this situation it might be kinder to just say that you were with someone ONS and didn’t know anything about this person. This would partly be the truth since you likely didn’t know your rapist. On the other hand it might put you in a bad light as he might assume you willing cheated on your husband , his dad.

I would never tell him he was conceived in Evil. If Evil must be used tell him his biological father was an evil man. However insure him that this does not make him evil as all children are born innocent and do not carry the sins of their biological parents.

I commend your husband though for being able to raise the child. That is an incredible feet one that many men would not be able to take on. Heck there are many men who can’t envision raising a baby that isn’t genetically theirs let alone the baby of the man who raped their wife. I also commend you for not blaming your son for the sins of his genetic father.

Answer 5

Right now I would just tell him he was not conceived in the conventional way. His father may not be his biological father but he is his daddy. Also tell him that while he had a rather nonconvential beginning, he is loved by mommy and daddy no less. My instinct would be not to tell anybody and let it be but that would not be fair to your son. If he finds out later in life, he may feel lied to. You could always just say that his daddy is not his biological father but his daddy loves him like he was. You can also say that his daddy loves him more because he made the conscious decision that most fathers do not have. The rest of what you say to your son would just depend on his maturity level.

Answer 6

I know it souds harsh but everything happens for a reason, even you getting rape. You son has a purpose in life and telling him might help him to pursue his purpose. I see everyone had a hard time answering this question. Its a tough question but right now is the best time to tell him because he's young and he'll have a lot of time to get over it. If you take too long and keep procrasinating he's gonna be very mad at you and have a harder time dealing with this lie you have created. Explain to him that even though you being rape was very bad but your glad that you gave birth to him and thats y you didn't have an abortion. Just make him feel loved. Gradually as he gets older talk to him more and more about it and everything should be okay. I know its hard for you but its something that can't wait and must be done as soon as possible.

Answer 7

I would tell him when he is older, enough to understand. If it is easier on you not to go into the details of how daddy isn't daddy, just say you used a sperm donation, such as for a fertility treatment. That way there is no father to track down, no inherited guilt that he may feel, and yet knows that biologically he isn't the same as his dad, which may matter for health reasons and emotional ones too.
I know personally how the pain of rape NEVER goes away, it just doesn't hurt as bad as it did before. So if I was in your shoes I would never tell him about the rape. I don't see how that wouldn't effect him on some level no matter how long you waited, or how you told him- but he should know that his dad isn't biologically related. Eventually he'll know that something isn't right, even if he never says anything.

You both love him enough to keep him even though he wasn't your husband's child, just as a couple who uses donations in fertility treatments still love their child as their own.

Answer 8

Yours is a difficult question.

You deserve much credit and the man who raised him as his son, your husband.

Honestly, I would keep it between husband and wife.

I do not think a child, who is innocent;
a teenager, "AHHHHHH" to raising teenagers;
college age, after college age, and as an adult would ever be able to handle hearing he or she was a product of rape.

Psychologically it could create a bomb inside your son's head you just really do not want to set off at any time. Then to notify his half-brother and half-sister could set off a resentment bomb and could subject him to disasterous treatment.

The Biological Father should be castrated! The IDIOT!

God Bless you and your husband. Your husband is his real Father. Any man is able to father a child but it takes a REAL MAN to be a FATHER!!!

I'm not speaking of an alcoholic beer drinking, woman chasing, gambling, drug addicted, lying piece of slime.

Most women who are raped have an abortion or if they have the child, the child is treated horrendously and made to pay for the rest of his or her life for being the product of a rape. The anger, resentment, loathe, is taken out on the child.

The other problem is this child if he should ever find out when he reaches a certain age might go looking for the IDIOT.

Know, you have a wonderful family and a good husband. You are Lucky and you definetly are blessed from above.

Answer 9

I probably wouldn't tell him.But if I did, I would wait until he was much older.I would want him to be old enough to understand that it isn't any way his fault.Kids sometimes feel shame for things that they shouldn't.
My father abused my mother terribly.She left him when I was very young,And whenever someone would speak of him, or the things he had done, I would always feel depressed.Like I might be bad too, because I was his kid.And its also terrible to be expected to hate you re own father(No matter how bad of a person he is),It takes something away from you.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Take care.

Answer 10

(((HUGS)))

"But my question is if and when is the time to tell my son, that the wonderful man that he thinks is his father, isn't?"

The wonderful man that he thinks is his father, IS HIS father :) The man who raped you was just a sperm donor.

I think you should speak with a licensed counselor or psychologist about this. I don't think you should ever tell him he was the product of rape. There is no reason for him to know. If you do, it will bring along alot of emotional and psychological issues.

If you were the product of rape, would you want to know?
No, of course not. The rape was not his fault, and he should not be treated like he did something wrong. However, he should be told eventually that he is not genetically related to your husband, maybe at around age 16.

I like mycat's answer!!!!!!!!!!!!

You might try calling Dr. Laura?


(((HUGS)))