Reactions? Your child's caregiver of 18 months reveals something personal...?

Question

I am wondering how different people would react to this: Your 18 month old child has been in the private care of a nanny since he/she was 6 weeks old. The child is happy and thriving, you really like the nanny a lot. The whole relationship has worked well.

Then, the nanny tells you that before she was moved to the area, she was very ill with an eating disorder. You did not know this from her behavior in the past 18 months, although she has recently begun losing weight. In those 18 months, you had gotten to know her well...or so you thought. Does this make a difference in your evaluation of her as a person? Do you still trust her (even though she 'hid' this)? Does it affect how you think she will take care of your child? Her references still checked out and she was not untruthful about anything else, just that when she was moving around, she was 'unsettled' (versus revealing her therapy treatments). And insight on reactions would be helpful. Thanks.

Answer 1

Don't you think you have answered this question yourself?

"My child is happy & thriving, you really like the nanny a lot & the relationship has worked well."

Quite frankly she has not been untruthful about anything. She has just kept one part of her "personal health" private. This is not being untruthful. Have you told the nanny and your employer about all of your health issues - if you did would you think it was fair that they suddenly turn on you and start implying that you were a dishonest person who could not be trusted because they had "hidden" something which is private. Quite frankly you are discrimminating against her.

Also most people are unsettled when they are moving around and this would be doubly so for a person who was unwell - the fact that she could move around & attend therapy sessions shows something about her - she will work hard at overcoming her problems.

Your reaction is why people such as your nanny wont readily disclose - they carry a huge stigma & when they try to be transparent are personally attacked either up front or behind their back. People change their views and attitudes towards them despite their proven track record on the job. Quite frankly she has proven that she is fit for the job this is evident in that you have alll been happy with her and that your child is happy and thriving.

The nanny has decided to share a very personal side of her past with you - meaning she feels she has a good, strong & trusting working relationship with you. I would suggest you thank her for trusting you with such personal information & acknowledge to her that that time in her life must have been very difficult as well as noting that she must have worked extremely hard to overcome her difficulties. In fact I think she is a very courages person to share this information with you.
She needs support and understanding and to know that people will not overreact and change their opinion of her when she has the courage to share with others what is her private life.

Answer 2

You could take this as a sign that your nanny trusts you enough to reveal something potentially harmful to your relationship. This is a good thing, you DON'T want her hiding other things from you. (An adverse reaction here might cause her to hide things from you in the future.)
Secondly, it may be a timid cry for help. She overcame the eating disorder before, but now you say she is losing weight. If she has started to relapse, this could be a problem for your child. They learn from what they see and you say your child is happy and that would suggest he/she likes and trusts the nanny.
You don't say if you offer the nanny any benefits, but this might be the time to offer to pay for a annual routine check up. That would give the nanny the opportunity to talk to the doctor about getting treatment if she needs it. If she is concerned, you could tell her that medical privacy laws are very strict now, and the doctor would be forbidden to reveal anything to anyone else.
Reassure her that she is important to you and your family and you want to see her well. At that point, depending on how the conversation goes, you can decide how you want to proceed. It sounds like she has made an effort to turn her life around in the right direction and it sounds like supporting her would be to your benefit.
Naturally, your first concern is the well being of your child. You need to trust your gut feelings. Worst case scenario, if you do have to make a change, your child is at a very adaptable stage, and toddlers tend not to have much long term memory until they are talking well, another 6-12 months.

Answer 3

As of 18 months old we began using a time outs and occasionally a firm tap on my daughter's behind, but obviously a firm tap won't be allowed with a daycare. Time outs are good. Have a time out chair that their children will use when they act up and a timer to set for their time there (1 minute for each year of age). Redirection is good too, although that can wear out quickly once you hit age 3 as I've found with my daughter. Try surveying the parents that are potential customers and see what kind of ideas you get and use the majority rules (use the ideas that are most popular that really work) and set the standards by that.

Answer 4

I'm a daycare provider and I have an eating disorder. Just like alcoholism, eating disorders don't ever really go away. I still struggle daily with my disorder. It doesn't hinder me from taking care of children, my own or someone else's. Luckily, the families I work for are close to me, so a few know about the eating disorder, but I don't disclose it right off the bat. Would you feel differently if she were married and just revealed to you she was in marriage counseling? We all have demons. If you're happy with the care your child is receiving I don't think you have any reason to worry that she's hiding anything else. Eating disorders are usually caused by a need for control in one's life. Its hard to let people know about it because releasing that information is like relinquishing control again. Don't hold it against her, just offer to be supportive should she need help in the future. Let her know that if she thinks things are getting out of hand, you'd prefer she told you.

Answer 5

As an anorexic I am hoping I can give you some insight into these disorders. Having an ED isn't going to make her less of a caregiver for your child. It won't give your baby an ED. It won't cause the quality of care to slide unless she drops her weight too far, if that should happen it could cause her to have less energy and become fatigued more easily.

The fact that she has brought this up to you is IMHO a plea for help, especially since it is coupled with some obvious weight loss. Perhaps she feels she can talk to you and is hoping you will offer help. Anorexics and bulimics are VERY good at hiding their disorders and are VERY secretive about them. I call this a cry for help no matter how you look at it.

How about directing her towards places she can get assistance? I recently started attending Anorexics and bulimics anonymous meetings and am amazed at the change I feel within myself. Educating yourself about these disorders might help alleviate any fears you have also.

I have raised three children as a single parent with an eating disorder. None of my children show signs of disordered eating and not once have I felt I was unable, physically or emotionally, to parent my children. The average ED sufferer knows how much and what to eat to avoid detection and that includes how to keep healthy enough to keep on your feet.

Answer 6

Have you told her everything about your past history? Every man you dated? Every illness you ever had? Doubtful.

The fact that she had an eating disorder has zero impact on how well she will tend to your child, so I'm not sure how it would impact the relationship. She didn't hide anything from you...It's just that your relationship prior to now didn't justify her sharing this very, very private thing. Her medical history is really none of your business, unless she's carrying something that would make your child ill. Eating disorders are not contagious.

I think that you should consider this a positive step. The fact that she's opening up to you about this now indicates to me that she is connecting with your family, and wants to continue being a part of your lives. You should be thrilled with the fact that you have a great nanny who wants to continue being there for your child.

Answer 7

Eating disorders, as with any other serious condition are not easy to deal with, or something someone would want to openly share with someone they just met. Also it is not something that would affect how she cares for your child. An eating disorder is a result of not being happy with your own body, therefore will only cause harm to yourself. She obviously trusts you and sees you as a friend now, which made her open to share that hard time in her life with you. Judging her for it will only justify why she feared sharing her past in the first place. Dont judge her, and show her that you understand, be a friend and show her support and encouragement to remain healthy.
It is in your best interest, especially if she is the only other person that has cared for your child since she was 6 weeks old.

Answer 8

I think this is a very personal thing, and something that most people don't want to talk about in the beginning of a relationship. I don't think it has anything to do with her as a competent caregiver. I think that her telling you about it shows that she trusts you. I wouldn't make a big deal about it, unless you feel that she is having problems again.

Answer 9

A previous eating disorder isn't something most people automatically reveal to someone they don't know very well. She obviously feels comfortable now to share her past with you which is good. I wouldn't be worried because she is obviously a good caregiver. If she begins to lose a lot of weight and you worry she is relapsing then don't be afraid to say something to her since she did mention her problem to you already.

Answer 10

Don't judge her for a condition she had. It does not affect her as a child care provider, it would be terrible on you child to have to loose her primary caregiver just because of you. Let me ask you this, have you told your nanny about all the skeletons in your closet???