should i feel offended that none of my friends came to my dads wake?

Question

my dad was 51 , died by malpractice surgery, im 22.
my best friends says who i known all my life and knew my dad,, says "should i come"? I say its up to u, she says "well if u say yes ill come". i say well "its up to u, its ok if u dont/
she says "ok i wont come then."
BTW, her parents live 3 blocks away from the wake service, ive known them my whole life-they didnt show up

My other best friend who lives 30 minutes away, i say "can u come to the wake"? "umm im not sure".. she never showed up and said she coudlnt make it

My other friends all said their busy or out of town that day.

Co-worker who i just became friends with:
Me, "my dad died, and the wake is soon", she says "whats the adress?, i say "its ok u dont have to come", she says "are u crazy, of course im coming, give me the adress"

shes the only one that came and said "how come none of your friends are here"?

Should i be offended by my so called "friends"

Answer 1

no

Answer 2

No, that is a very personal thing and knowing someone for a long time does not make it a bond like they have to go, I don't do funerals or wakes and I always get the feeling that others think I am mean but I just don't like to be around so much sadness and the vibes are not healthy and maybe that is why they did not show up, and if you don't get a card from each and every one of your friends I would do some early spring cleaning in the friend dept. there is so many reasons people don't go but no reason to not give a card, and remember no one can feel what you are feeling but everyone should feel they owe you respect,

Answer 3

I understand why you would be offended, however I don't think you should be. Remember that people your age haven't had much experience in these matters and were probably really uncomfortable, not wanting to show up because they didn't know what to say/ how to behave. Also, look at what you said. You said "you don't have to come." Do you think they'd have behaved differently if you'd let your need show and said "please come, I really need the moral support?"
Sorry for your loss :( but if you need support from your friends, you need to ask for it in specific ways. If friends ask how you are, don't say "oh, ok I guess." Say, "I feel really weird and could use some company. Would you mind organising a girlie movie night or something, I don't feel like partying, but something low key would be good for me."

Answer 4

Should you be offended? Maybe. But don't let it get you down.
I wouldn't hold it against your friends at all. People are idiots.

At your age, your friends probably have no idea what to say or do because this is new, and, not something that's important to them right now.

A person really can't appreciate the pain of grieving if they haven't been thru it themselves. Now if a 30something or older who is important to you didn't show, that's different. That person has probably been thru this process before.

Answer 5

Well the first friend you talked about asked you several times if you wanted her to come. You said it was up to her so she decided not to come. You shouldn't be offended or angry with her because you gave her a choice. You should have said, "I would like you to be there for me" and that would have settled that.
The other people I don't know about. Death makes many people uncomfortable and some people just can't handle it. It might also be harder for people to come if they knew your father than for someone you just became friends with who has no history with him.

I would say on the whole, no you shouldn't be worried about whether your friends showed up or not, you should be more concerned about the people who cared about your father and may need you to lean on.

Answer 6

Setting hidden traps for friends is not a nice thing to do.

Why weren't you honest with your best friend? You can't blame her at all for not reading your mind and realizing you were lying. That's just unfair.

About the one who said she couldn't make it, do you know whether that's the case?

And all the others who said they were busy, were they?

People who had a prior commitment out of town couldn't make it, could they?

If it turns out that some were lying, I can understand your being hurt.

Maybe what's going on is that you're in pain over losing your dad and you're wanting to pick fights with friends as a displacement strategy.

That's a mistake. You need your friends now. Let yourself feel sad about your dad. Don't take it out on your friends.

And in the future, be honest. Telling a friend "It's up to you" and them blaming them for taking you at your word is a really lousy way to treat a friend.

Answer 7

People don't know how to act. The lady at work is the rare exception. That is how all friends and long time acquaintances should have responded.

But, if you cut off your friends every time they don't act right, you won't have any friends. This is where forgiveness comes in. People are nervous & scared around death. They expressed uncertainty about if they should come to the wake- some may have thought it was family only.

Up to you. I'd be a little offended but not cut off all my friends.

Answer 8

oh my goodness. I'm so sorry and you have every right to feel upset. I think that they are a bit immature in my opinion. I would let it go, but know you do have the right to be hurt. It seems maybe they just did not want to step up to the plate and be adults in this situation and be there for you! Remember on SEx and THe City all of Miranda's friends went with her to her mother's funeral. I had a boyfriend who died at 20 yrs old and my best friend at the time never came to support me or show respect and he treated her so nice. Some people are jsut not as good friends as others. Sorry! :(

Answer 9

I'm sorry for your loss, Taylor. Please try not to be too offended by your friends. As people have said, people are very uncomfortable with death. Some people don't even go to their own families funerals.

Your friends may feel like they won't know what to say or won't know what to do at the wake. They also probably want to make you feel better and don't know how, so that frustrates them. Nothing causes pain like seeing someone you care about in pain and your not being able to help.

I'm also betting this coworker is older or at least more mature than your friends.

Answer 10

People deal with grief differently. It does seem pretty bad that your friends didn't make it. But you should have said to your friend that lived close that you wanted her to come. You gave her the option. You can't control your friends' actions. You only have control over yourself. I wouldn't be offended by your friends' actions but if they are your friends, maybe you can talk to them about it. It is a risk. But it's a risk if you don't because this may surface in other ways since it bothers you. It seems better to deal with it directly and move on if able to.

Answer 11

Death is always a hard thing for people to handle. First off, I want to say, Im very sorry about your father's death.

People try to avoid awkward situations, though they want to be there for you. I think you may have given off the impression that you did not want them there. It seems by you posting this that you did want them there. You should have been straight with your friends and tell them that you wanted them to come.

You also said it would be okay if they didnt.

I dont think its your friends. I truely believe that they just were tryng to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Try to think back to how you said it to them. You may have given them the wrong idea not to show up.