How to deal with a parent that you have no respect for?

Question

I am in my late 40's so you would think this wouldn't be an issue but I cannot stand my Father. Don't like to see him, hear him, deal with him. I don't think merely being a sperm donor makes you a good Dad. Many things happened to cause me to dislike him-not the least of which is that he is used to masterbate in front of me and my sisters when Mom was gone. Now he is in horrible health; has a lot of health issues. Since I was in grade school he has been a hypochondriac and used illnesses to manipulate peolple in the community. When he actually had something happen this week that required hospitalization, no one in our family believed him. Even though I know he is truly sick this time, I resent him and don't want to deal with it. I sort of feel guilty for being so angry and hateful to him when he tries to talk to me but I just cannot tolerate him. How do I deal and not have the guilt if he dies and this isn't resolved?

He touched my breast once when I was a teen-said he was brushing a bug off and went no further; used to peek in my windows after I moved from home; I just found out he did the same to my older sister. I caught him and asked what the he** did he think he was doing. I don't even know what he said.
As far as how we are in public, either I don't talk to him or talk to him as you would a stranger. Other people have no idea what kind of man he is.

As far as the apology, I have tried to talk to him about many of the family issues. My Mother was dying several years ago and there was an attempt to deal with things. His only response was he didn't know what he had done to make his children resent him and I didn't want him to have anything(he wanted to spend money that Mom saved for their funerals for a new tractor). He didn't acknowlege that he had done anything to us but said he prayed each night to God for forgiveness for the things God saw that he had done wrong.

Answer 1

I think you should seek some counselling. You have some very difficult and uncomfortable issues to deal with. Personally I doubt whether there is anything you can do to resolve these issues but I'm sure you can learn to deal with them more effectively.

You should try to let go of your guilt as I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your feelings are quite natural and I'm sure many people would sympathise with your situation.

Answer 2

First of all let me validate your feelings by saying you have every reason to be upset, hurt and distrustful of this man.

Right now it isn't about him, he doesn't deserve it, it is about you. What do you need to do that so that when and if he dies you won't have any guilt and won't beat yourself up?

I suggest that you try to have a conversation with this man and tell him how you feel about him and how the things he did and said really hurt you. Get it off of your chest because this may be your last opportunity.

Just know that he probably will deny it, he probably won't apologize for it and he may even try to place the fault on you or make you feel worse. Do it to just get it off your chest.

I am sorry he is sick now but being sick doesn't change the person he was or the things he did.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

The guilt is his, not yours. What you are feeling is not guilt but regret that you didn't have a better father. That can't be changed, but you can do better in your life than he did in his.
If you want an apology from him, tell him so. He may not have thought of it. If you don't think it's worth the trouble, don't bother. He chose his life; you choose yours.
At this point, maybe you should just show a minimum amount of compassion for his situation. If he's dying, he's dying. If he recovers, don't have too much contact with him; why should you?

Answer 4

Forgive him and move on. You are not responsible for the type of person that he chose to be. It seems unreasonable to forgive a creep but in order to let go of the resentment you must resolve that you are the better person he is who he is, something that no one can change. "Change what you can, accept what you can't". The guilt is not actually guilt but sadness because even though he did terrible things he is you father and you will probably grieve his loss just not the terrible things that he chose to do.

Answer 5

Dude honestly, your case sounds very familiar and im half your age. I know you are older than me but all i can say is Do you really want your father to go out with you showing him that you treat him the same that he treats you. He obviously feels like crap about himself that he needs attention. I try myself to put it behind me, i try to ignore mine, but my conscience makes me feel that im not going to let him turn me into what he was and is with being a dick. Show him the way people are supposed to care for each other, this way you can show your kids, and your kids will in effect see what you are doing. Also if he acts like a scum in treating you badly your kids will see your good nature, and in turn see how it feels to be treated the way you are and learn not to treat people that way. Maybe your kindness towards him will in effect help you both come to terms with eachother and answer your questions on why he is the way he is, if not you tried and you can hold your head up saying your father taught you how to be a good person, by you following the examples that he never set.

Answer 6

There is no clear cut reply to your question. The disgust and repulsiveness you feel for him must be incredible. I hope that his abuse ceased at you and your siblings witnessing him masturbating. The best advise I can give you is seek a therapist, a professional who can help you handle and cope, and yes eventually forgive your father. I wish you strength.