My daughter has a curfew of 2am on weekdays & 4am on weekends which my husband gave her (but that an entirely different issue). The issue is she does not come home at curfew. She lives at home but does go to college and works 2 jobs and I know she is not a party girl, but she is always falling a sleep at her boyfriend’s house and it's getting really old real fast. We have basically told her that if it happens anymore she might as well be out there and be grown. We are trying to support her by not needing to pay rent, food ect. However, we also have 2 other daughters 14 and 8 that may see this as if she isn't following the rules why should we. I am at my wits end I really do not want to see her struggle on her own but it seems there are no other choices if she will not respect my house and my rules as her parent.
2007-11-13 16:26:38 · 41 answers · asked by Ice Queen 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Well if it were my daughter she would have been booted out and she would have known that from the get go and she would have known that the moment she came in late she was telling me she was moving out.. She does it because she knows she is the boss..
2007-11-21 13:26:48 · answer #1 · answered by LittleDaisy. 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If she is going to college and works 2 jobs, then give her some slack and end the "curfews". It is silly to give an adult who works as hard as she does a "curfew".
When I was that age, I also felt that once I was in college, working 2 jobs and had a boyfriend that there was no reason for me to have a curfew. Curfews are for children who are "children" or who have not proven that they are responsible. I think you should be proud of your daughter for being so responsible - it's tough going to college and working 2 jobs. She's proven to you that not only have you done an excellent job raising her, but that she is very responsible.
It's not your daughter that needs to change - it's your rules that need to change. She's not your "baby" anymore. I am an older woman with a doctorate degree and your daughter sounds like she has the same personality as I did when I was her age. She is going to be fine.
It may be your house and your rules - but it is time you let her go. Traditionally, parents are most restrictive with the "oldest" because they don't want their babies to grow up. Please, if she is doing so well as an adult - then don't give her a curfew.
2007-11-13 16:47:45 · answer #2 · answered by Dina K 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is your house and you have the right to set the rules, but is it really necessary. One way to make change is to tell her as long as rent is free there are rules, if you think they are really necessary. If she wants wants to set her own rules then let her pay rent. She has two jobs, and seems to be responsible, so let her pay $100 a month or whatever amount you come up with, then she is responsible for herself. A 2 and 4am curfew is pretty liberal and I am wondering why you think you need something like that, let her do her own thing then she is not setting a bad example for your other daughters. Let them know when they get older and prove they are responsible they will have this kind of freedom too. Don't punish your older daughter to make an example for your younger daughters.
2007-11-13 17:52:59 · answer #3 · answered by K K 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is never easy to be a parent. It is important that you follow through with whatever rules you lay down. All your daughters need to see that you expect rules to be followed no matter what. Your daughter is of age, and seems very responsible in her life, school and work. Perhaps it is not necessary to have a curfew at all. Ask yourself why you have given your adult daughter who is responsible these curfews. Is it because you do not want her staying the night at her boyfriends for moral reasons? Talk to her about your concerns and ask her to respect you and your whole family. The power struggle needs to end. She is old enough to see reason if you try to also see hers. Perhaps she does not understand why you are bothered by this. Help her...As for the younger two sisters they should also understand with age and responsibility comes privilege.
2007-11-13 16:55:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
As the homeowner and parent, you have to enforce the rules.
You have two other kids that are being influenced by this, and you only have 4 years to get all the basics across to the 14 year old so she can do well in the big world... you know, stuff like responsibility, respect, morals, integrity. Showing that you are NOT willing to put up with this flouting of your authority is a GOOD thing to get across.
Sit this ADULT child down for a frank discussion. If she doesn't want to obey the few rules you have set for her, then she needs to move out. Tell her to make her decision NOW and abide by it.
Struggle can be really good. It can teach her appreciation and consideration. Maybe she needs this set of lessons.
2007-11-13 17:52:59 · answer #5 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my god she really needs to be greatful that you guys are so lenient with her! I moved home after college i'm 23 and I can't even be out past 2 am on the weekends! I respect my parents rules because it's their home and they are letting me live here rent free! It's just about respecting my parents house. When i was in college and lived in the dorms I could do whatever I wanted because it was my space, but I know that its different at home. I could never be that outright disrespectful. If she wants to come and go as she pleases she needs to get a place of her own and pay her own bills. You really should put your foot down, but realize you will have a bigger impact if her father is on your side. Time to gang up and gain control!
And how is she doing in college anyway. All that time at her boyfriends and working, does she have time to study? I would ask to see her grades.
2007-11-13 17:21:15 · answer #6 · answered by Rianna713 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that her curfews are very lenient and if she can not follow those there is something going on and as you say that she is nineteen , going to school and working two jobs she probably is exhausted . With a 4 am curfew there is not much reason to come home at night. Giving her such late hours to be home is something that you should be concerned with the other girls seeing not so much that she is not coming home at all. It is up to you as her parents to inforce your rules , which may make her decide to move in with her boyfriend all together. It sure is not easy being a parent......Is she a good girl , and not on drugs take all of that into consideration.
2007-11-13 16:36:53 · answer #7 · answered by perrisgal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your situation is understandable and I couldn't agree more, but you gotta be firm on both ends.
You got to speak with oldest daughter and let her why you're asking her to be in at those times. I know it may be a burden to have someone walk into your house at 2 and 4am. Those rules are in place for the respect of you and your family
After the talk with your daughter then talk with your 14 and 8 year old daughters. They need to understand that your eldest is older and she has a different set of rules to follow. Regardless of her not following the rules of the household they are younger and have to follow the rules.
If your eldest doesn't comply with your rules and fails to understand why those rules are in place then you may have to give her a choice. Follow the rules or leave the house. I know you love her, but often times some children have to learn the hard way.
Hope I was helpful. Take care
2007-11-13 16:36:26 · answer #8 · answered by shinuyugi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is under your roof so she needs to follow your rules....which, by the way, are very lenient and completely followable!!!
If she cannot follow your rules, you can take her to look for small apartments and to look at the rents on those places. Or you can simply reduce her curfew to 12 on all nights if she continues to do this activity; or she has to come home straight from work/school for 2 days. Regardless of your punishment, you need to tell her what will happen if she is late before she leaves....then, when she is late, simply enforce the punishment you chose and stick to it. Technically, she is an adult, but she is acting like a child and living under your roof. If she wants to act like a responsible adult, either follow your rules or find a place where the rules aren't so strict, but the fees are much higher...her choice!! good luck!!
2007-11-13 16:34:19 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
she is 19 and she is not a baby. she is working two jobs and going to school. she dont need a curfew. you need to treat her like the adult she is. charge her rent and tell her that if she cant abide by the rules set in your house than she has to leave and get her own. let her know that she has to set a better example for her younger sisters, but if you dont do something about this real quick you are going to have some problems with the other two. its called tough love. all that dont kill her will make her a stronger person. allow her to be her own woman and pay some bills. GodBless
2007-11-13 16:56:31 · answer #10 · answered by Crystal G 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe 18 is an adult in USA. You are still controling her life and holding the apron strings. Why does she have a curfew?? It sounds like she is responsible enough if she is working 2 jobs- sounds like the underlying issue is she's sleeping with a boyfriend and you want to protect the younger sister's from this knowledge.
I understand about the younger kids and so... time for her to find a roomate and move out or for you to give up some of your "rules"
2007-11-13 16:34:23 · answer #11 · answered by atheleticman_fan 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋