Why is it so hard to tell my parents that I am searching for my biological parents?

Question

I have started searching for my biological parents. I have also decided to tell my adoptive parents because I would hate to hide it from them and I feel that they may have information that would make me search tremendously easier. However, why is it so hard for me to tell them? I always feel like I'm making excuses. Last week I wanted to tell my mom but she was leaving for a trip and I didn't want to upset her before she left. Then I was going to tell her tonight, but she was tired and she had bad a bad day already. Now I'm starting to think that the holidays are coming up and I don't want my parents to be upset as my dad is often a mess during the holidays anyway. I just feel like I'm making excuses and looking for the "right moment" to tell them. But I know that there never will be the right moment. Do I just blurt it out one day? How do I even approach this? It's not like there is some magic conversation that can lead up to tell them. Thanks to everyone.

Answer 1

Morally and ethically you are under no obligation to tell them. Finding your roots, your history, your family is YOUR journey not theirs.

On the other hand, it might be practical to tell them as they could have some vital info for you.

If they can't handle the truth, that is their problem. They signed up for the adoption, you didn't.

You have every right to your answers, you are entitled to it all. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, good luck.

Answer 2

I am only 14 and have been adopted. I was adopted at the age of ten and already knew my real parents. I have two biological sisters and one brother. My brother is sixteen and recently moved to London to live near my real mum. He still had visits though when i got adopted i denied them. I have been plucking up the courage for years to ask my adoptive parents for visits and i finally did. Saturday (just gone) i had a visit and it was great, iloved it. The only thing i can suggest is that you need to put yourself first. If you keep on worrying about what your adoptive parnets might say or think then you will never be able to see your biological parents because you will always feel too guilty. Trust me go for it and tell them. They can't hate you for it as they must always have known that the day would come where you would want to find them. You'll probably be surprised by their reaction, i was! Finding my real mother was the best thing i could have done. Your adoptive parents will be proud of you whatever you do... you don't know they might even want to help you find them!

sophilea xox
i hope it goes well

Answer 3

I can really relate to this. My adoptive mom had told me several times over the years that she would completely understand. But when I started my search, I was worried she wouldn't understand. I was afraid she would pull away from me, that she would think I didn't love her anymore.

It wasn't true, of course, but I was afraid.

Less than a week before I found my birth mother, I finally called my adoptive mother. I probably made her more worried by prefacing it all with reassurances that I love her.

She knew. She was okay (even excited for me).

But every parent is different. I do think, if possible, face-to-face is best. And make sure you have some time. They may have questions and want to talk. Or they might not.

There probably is no "right" moment. I told mine when I couldn't go any longer not telling them.

I wish I knew how to help more. I just recognize how personal and individual this process is. Several of us have been through it, though, and I think we'd all be willing to help if we can.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Just make sure you remind them of the love and security you have with them, perhaps over a little time, first. Just like children, adults sometimes need to feel secure and cared for before being told something they may find threatening or upsetting. If they feel loved and secure in their relationship with you, just remind them that nothing or no one can change the love you have with them, and nothing can ever take away the good life they gave you.

Tell them that ALL ( or most!) children who have come home through adoption have a need to know a little more. To see their own face, to know their biology. It's normal and its OK. But that you really want their love and support through this more than anything.

Sure, they will feel insecure, even if they are very solid parents! After all, you're their baby! If they know that you will always be their parents, this should help ease this discussion. Go slow, and take it easy. The best of luck to you!

Answer 5

I know, it's scary, isn't it? It's probably just as scary as it was for our own n-mothers to have to come home and tell THEIR parents, "I'm pregnant". Talk about irony!!

It's kind of wierd when you think about it, how the onus of protecting and salving the feelings of our adoptive parents falls on our shoulders; we never want to hurt them or damage them. Society expects us to uphold this unwritten contract that we will never do this; yet why is there this preception that adoptive parents are so fragile that the mere thought of us searching for our n-parents will utterly destroy them?

It is my belief, and mind you, this is just my singular opinion, that search and reunion is a very personal issue that has absolutely nothing to do with the adoptive parents (or family) whatsoever. It in no way, shape or form reflects on their status in the adoptee's life. This is something that is completely about the adoptee's need and desire for finding answers, for finding a sense of wholeness, completeness, for filling in that "missing piece", for the myriad of reasons we search. Whatever the reason, it very rarely has anything to do with what we feel for our adoptive family.

If anything, a supportive adoptive family only serves to strengthen the bonds; becoming defensive and angry about it only drives a wedge in the relationship. I've seen that happen to far too many of my adoptee friends, and it is so sad.

Do you have siblings? A close aunt or uncle? Maybe having somebody there with you when you tell them, it might soften the blow.

But do what you feel is right, because you know them best. I'm sure you will find the right way to do it.

Good luck!

Answer 6

As an adoptive parent, I know the day when my daughter wants to find her birth parents WILL come. As her mother, she can talk to me and I'll support her because I love her. Your parents have been expecting this from you (somewhere in their minds) since the beginning. Anyone would wonder. Don't be afraid of being open and if they seem a little scared and sad, that's human nature, too. Good luck.

Answer 7

You seem like a very thoughtful and considerate person. Your parents should be proud of the person you have turned out to be!
I am an adoptive mother and I know that my son may want to search for his birth parents someday. When I first brought him home that worried me a lot, but now it doesn't. His birth parents are a huge part of who my son is and I expect that he will want to know more about them. There isn't anything wrong with that. Have your parents indicated in any way that they would be unhappy if you search? Have they always been open with you about the fact that you were adopted? Try not to worry so much. It's commendable that you are so concerned about your parents' feelings and I hope my son is as considerate when he decides to tell me that he wants to search. But I'm sure your parents are aware that this is a possibility and won't be shocked when you tell them. I think you don't want to hurt the people who raised you. That's very sweet. But give them a chance. I'm sure they both know that this day would come and they're probably better prepared for it than you realize.

Answer 8

I have no idea what advice to offer you.. you know whats best because you know them best. I just wanted to say good luck. I too have been in the same situation trying to talk to my mother about my biological father- and there is no way to describe how you feel.

On the positive note. I am sure that your parents have known in the back of their head that this day would happen. So they may be more prepared than you think.

Good Luck- :)

Answer 9

We are working on adopting a child and that is a fear we have, is our child going to find their birth parents. But we will be completely open with our child and even if it is hard for us we will support our child in this decision and make sure they know they can talk to us if they decide to find their birth parents. We know it won't be easy, but what a gift the birth family will be giving to us.

Answer 10

I can't really relate because I'm not adopted and I agree with several other posters that each instance is individual. As an adoptive mom I can say that because I love my daughter so much I would support her search for her biological parents. As far as leading up to it, just be honest. "Mom, Dad, I don't know how to say this and I'm really nervous. I love you both so much and I wouldn't want to hurt you for all the world. But, I want to look for my biological parents. I am curious about my medical history and my ethnic heritage. It's really scary for me because I don't know exactly what I'm going to find or how I will be received so I'm hoping you guys help me thru this." Something along those lines. I think most parents would get that. Good luck. I hope everything goes well.

Answer 11

I completely agree with Heather H in that it is a deep rooted fear of rejection. The fear that if you tell them and they get angry and defensive that they will reject you because they think you are rejecting them.

We spend our whole lives trying so hard to be the good child, the good adoptee, that when we finally decide to search, something that is solely about us - we become paralyzed by that fear that is instilled in us as a child, that if one mother can give you away what's to stop the next one since we are only "as if" one of theirs.

Then there's the message from society that we hear all our lives that we shouldn't need to search because your "real" mother is the one who tucked you in and bought you clothes. And closed records just reinforces those views. The list goes on and on.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this - I know how hard it is because I was also faced with it four years ago. I eventually decided not to tell them. I felt like I was an adult and I could make an adult choice about my life and I didn't need to be reduced to that scared child that needs constant approval by my adoptive mother. I knew she wouldn't approve and I didn't need that baggage to come along with me on a journey that is already filled with so much emotion.

Best of luck to you and I hope your parents are selfless enough to realize that this is about you and not them.