Cheating Lover?

Question

What do you do when your lover goes out of town and not only has sex with the opposite sex, but the same sex also (in a separate incident). Anger, hurt and disappointment describes my situation. I can't leave because of finances and plus I do love him. I know he has an accelerated sexual desire, so I may not be able to blame him for his inherent disposition. However, with my issue with this is taxing my mind and I do not know how to channel my emotions. He said he was sorry but said he could not ask for forgiveness because he said I would not give it to him. If I were in his position, I would be on my knees begging for forgiveness, yet this is not what he is doing. He seems to think it is OK and says that I should have known that he was that way. I'm not asking what you think of him, but rather what you think I can do for myself to let this issue go. Breaking up is not an option in our situation so any responses to that effect will not be considered as best answers.

Answer 1

There is nothing you can do if you want to stay with him. If he is not begging for forgiveness then he doesn't feel he did anything bad enough worth asking for it. He is most likely going to keep doing what he is doing because he sees that with you he can get away with it. If you are still calling him your lover even though he is having promiscuous sex out of town maybe you should worry about your own personal health like you're worrying about your finances. Think about how bad the bills are going to be when he brings back something he can't get rid of and passes it to you and you both end up sick.

Answer 2

My view is that the fact that you are writing this indicates that the relationship would never be the same again - at least not the way it was before you knew about his sexual escapades.

Though breaking up and leaving him is the most logical path to do, the anger, sadness, feeling of betrayal, past good memories would somewhat bond you to him - creating some form of attachment or an illusion that you are still in love with him (or are you?).

What I think you need to do is:

a) Give yourself time to cool down and let the heat of the moment fade before collecting your nerves for a good decision
b) If financials are the only reason that hold you back, it will be good to see if you could improve the situation (or at least divert your energy on something else rather than mopping over the fact)
c) If you cannot leave him & STILL wanna be with him, acceptance - either through having a frank conversation with him about what drove him there / gaps in the relationship OR through some other external counselling programs / support group
d) you need to get out from those imagined scenarios in your head about how remorseful he should feel and assess the situation as to how he responded to you (a.k.a "I dont give a damn" attitude)
e) I strongly recommend you to take a body check up to avoid catching any undesired STD (this is a key health issue - and I should have put it up on first priority) and having unprotected sex with him is no longer safe - u need to protect yourself even if you love him. Getting some painful disease through no fault of yours is not the preferred option

f) Finally, keep a journal, download your thoughts into a blog, talk to someone who would not judge you (most would, so you have to choose your friends carefully) or get yourself busy with other pursuits

Eventually, I still hope that you could walk away or find someone who could really cherish you and appreciate you one day. Maybe it is not the right time now to break away. But one day when the feelings faded, and the logic returns, then give yourself another chance to be loved and treasured.

I know a guy like that - and the girl (which I consider a rare jewel & definitely deserves much better) chose to be with him, regardless. We cannot judge, but definitely hope one day both you and her could get yourself out from the situation.

if u need help, shout.. all the best to you

Answer 3

Experience tells us to follow this rule: forgive and forget. The only way to get through this is that you need to forgive him and forget it. I mean really forget it. If he shows up late to pick you up for example, what do you think is going to go through your mind? "Was he really late or did he meet someone." This will always be in your mind and if you want to really get through this you need to really forget what he did to you and need to come to terms with forgiving him. Since leaving is not an option for you this is going to be very difficult for you and will always be in the back of your mind. Good luck!!

Answer 4

well Hun if it was me i would have dumped him on the spot. however you do no want to do that. You say you knew he was like that..well than what did you expect. that's like a person who marries a person who cheated when they dated. they think they will change, but cheaters usually do not. you can offer him forgiveness if that's what you want. I wish i knew how tell you how to channel your emotions, but i do not know what to say! i just think diff and i think if one cheats..he is out the door with no coming back. good luck

Answer 5

you say that telling you to break up with him is not a good answer, but do you really want to be with someone who treats you this way? who will cheat on you and hurt you and think its okay?

it mite be hard, but i think you know what the right thing to do is.

Answer 6

i think you just have to make him understand what he did was wrong...he shouldn't be able to get away with cheating on you...if you two love each other you will work it out but you should feel angry right now..what he did was so so so wrong!!! Good luck!

Answer 7

i guess you have to let it go then. if you must be with him. you can't force someone to ask for forgiveness and even if you did, they wouldnt really be asking for it.