my step daughter shows me no respect at all!?

Question

i got re-married last year. i have a daughter kasey who is 4, 1 real daughter Sierra and a step daughter Elli. they are both 12. Elli's mom died when she was 6, and now she treats me with no respect. if i tell her to pick up her room a bit she yells at me sayig im not her mom! i know im not her mom but, shes gotta show some respect towards me. Her dad spanks her all the time but i dont believe in that. my husband said i pick her puinshments... what do i do to get her to show me respect or a punishment? (my real daughter is starting to follow her footprints, they get along great...)

Answer 1

I think you may be the problem here, not your step-daughter. You have three girls, yet only 1 of them is a "real" daughter? If you make Elli feel like an outsider, she is going to rebel. If you want a child to treat you with respect the first thing to do is to honestly evaluate how you treat them. You may find a lot of negativity and hostility is showing through that you didn't realize. I say this because you say your "real" daughter is disrespectful, also. 12 is a hard age, 13 is worse, etc. Try doing things with your "fake" daughter until she feels like a "real" daughter.

Answer 2

First you need to start treating her equally to your own daughters. Both in respect and punishment. I don't know if you even realize how you sound here. You refer to your daughter as your "real" daughter several times, and Elli sounds like a second class citizen to you. You need to start respecting her to get respect back. Look what she's gone through - her mother died when she was very young, that is horribly traumatic, the worst thing htat can happen to a child. And her father spanks her constantly. And her father just got remarried so now she's adjusting to you and your two daughters living with her.

Honestly therapy may be the best way to start, if thats not an option I'd try spending some alone time with Elli, getting to know her better. Open the lines of communication wtih her. Stop thinking in terms of "real" daughters and "step" daughters. Go from there.

Answer 3

Do you love Elli as much as you love Kasey and Sierra? (By the way, all of the girl's names really appeal to me.) What would happen if you quietly said, "Elli, I'd like to speak with you alone in my room for a moment"? Would she actually go with you to the room and allow the door to be shut? If yes, great! Would she then agree to snuggle up next to you in a chair while you tell her that you are sorry she lost her real mom, and you know how much she must hurt inside? (Those thoughts ARE inside her, you know.) Would she give it real thought if you asked, "Is there any way we can have a real fun and mutually respectful relationship?"
Try being gentle, touch her, smile at her when you see her doing something good. If you appreciate anything at all in her behavior, tell her...but don't overdo it. Always introduce all three of the girls as "my three girls." Lots of loving touches and looks of approval could really help.
I'd try these things and see what happens. If it just does not work, you will need to try counseling.
If her dad spanks her while in a rage, she will only learn that violence and anger is what adults do. She may even have a little of his personality inside her. Above all, Elli must feel loved by her parents. I'd almost bet that this girl could slowly get so she wants to be held by you, and she loves confiding in you. Maybe I live in a dream land...I've never experienced the problem so I might be entirely wrong.
Best wishes.

Answer 4

the death of a mother can be very traumatizing to a little girl and the way she acts is her way of acting out her sorrow. Being spanked is not helping her and there's really no way to punish her for this. Sadness can go on for a long time. She may not want to talk about it but you're going to have to try and sit down with her and understand the way she feels. Let her feel like she can talk to you about anything and everything because right now is when she needs that understanding the most. She never completely got closure from this situation and it will just take time. Just always let her know that you love her and be patient with her. Just talk to her and love her. It's all you can do. When she yells just tell her to stay in her room and she cant go out for the weekend. This is a gentle, in yet, effective punishment until all feelings are laid out on the table.

Answer 5

Sorry to tell you this, but the problem doesn't lie with your step-daughter; it's with you and your husband. The cardinal rule to raising a child is that the rules of right and wrong should be firm and stable across the board, and agreed upon and enforced by BOTH parents. Further, BOTH parents must agree to ONE form of punishment, and what punishment comes with each action. Further, your husband is the one responsible for the "you're not my mom" idea. He is the only one that can tell her, with you by his side, that her bahavior toward you will not be tolerated, and she must respect you in order to be treated fairly in YOUR home. The spanking is obviously just making her pissy, and at 12 it's a little late in life to think that actually would work anyway. You must also learn to be firm and not ask that she "clean up a bit" but instead say "Elli, go clean your room. Let me know when it's finished so I can check it." You are the mom now, so start acting like one! And related to that, start doing mom things with her, like taking her to gymnastics lessons (assuming she earns them through good behavior) or on errands with you or to the park for one-on-one time, so she can get to know you both as an authoritarian and as a mom and leader. But you can't do any of it if your husband doesn't get his act together and get in the same game you're playing.

Answer 6

I didn't show my stepmother any respect either, and still dont... I am 23. The reason... she never respected me. I believe that you treat people the way you want to be treated. I understand that a lot of people feel that respect is owed to elders, but I don't. I feel that people earn respect by giving respect.

In her defense, she is a pre teen, without a "REAL" (in your words) mom, with a dad that spanks her... ( at 12??), probably just crying out for attention. Don't you remember what teenage years were like? I wouldn't want to repeat them for a second!

Having been in her similar shoes, not all that long ago… I would work with her to become her friend. Try and give up the disciplinary role.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Try spending time with her, not as a mom but as a Friend. You are not her mother and you never will be, harsh but true. She will never respect you as such. But as a person who loves her father and cares for her and is now a part of her family.
I am 21 and still hate my step dad and can't wait for him to die but love my step-mom. I hate him because he tried being my disciplinary(did a shitty job of it too but that's another story and I'm sure that your not him) and never made any effort to show that he was any good for my mom or my family. My step mom is nice most of the time but she is a girl and has emotional times like most other women. I know she loves my dad very much, and is very very good for him. She was always trying to stay out of things where she shouldn't because she wasn't a parent of mine. She helped me more then argued, and was a good Friend. (hope dad doesn't screw this one up the others I didn't care about). Don't be the good guy, but don't be the bad guy either. Be the middle ground. If dads unfair let her come talk to you, listen to her and explain when needed. Just don't be mom and don't be an ***. Be a Friend(you can because you aren't mom). Give advice not lectures.

Answer 8

The first thing I noticed in your post was that you kept referring to your "real" daughter. From a 12 year old's perspective, how would you feel to hear that term? You may not realize it if you say it around her, but I imagine that would be hurtful. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine how hurt you would feel if she started referring to you as "not my real mom".

All blended families go thru turmoil and re-adjustment periods. It's only been a year. There is still alot of growing to do. Perhaps a community group for blended families would help?

At her age, rebellion is going to happen. You are just an easy target in this situation. Instead of punishing, try a different approach. Sit down and talk with her openly and honestly. She will probably say alot of things that will hurt you, but remember that she is young and is going thru ALOT of emotions. Show her love and support by listening and cooperating. You may find that the respect will soon follow.

Answer 9

Hun to be hoenst spanking a 12 year old girl isn't right. When they hit a certain age you need to find new methods. I'm a 14 year old girl and let me help you here. If she doesn't want you to act like her mom she wont respect you because obviously she has been through tough times in her life and for her it might be hard to accept another woman in the house. For me the best way to punish me is taking away my cell phone and/or internet the two things I use the most, but physical punishment at this age isn't going to work. I know a boy who gets beat for direspect towards his step-dad and all it does is make him hate his step dad even more and disrespect him even more. Any questions just e-mail me I'm happy to help.

Answer 10

a lot of what ret2go said makes sense. you do need to make sure you are acting like the adult. (not by being mean or overbearing, but you need to stand your ground, and your husband needs to be right there backing you up and on the same page as you). the youre not my mom comment is a very common thing for stepkids to say, dont worry! in this case where the mom is deceased, be mindful and sypathetic of that, but also remind your sd that even though you are not her mom or are you trying to take her place, you are the one there now, and you are her fathers wife. she needs to respect you, even if she doesnt "like" you right now. i dont advise being her friend as someone else suggested. she is still a child, and still needs parenting. you and your husband can be friends with her when she is grown, now is not the time. this is of course a tough situation no matter what you do. you have to balance being an authority figure while at the same time not being overbearing so that she is just resisting your authority completely. also, your husband definitely needs to talk to her and explain these things to her. she needs to know you guys are on teh same page and that she can not come between you. your marriage is top priority in that household, then the children. the two of you can not allow her or the other children to make themselves the center of the household whether by bad behavior or not.
good luck with your situation