Do you think this is too extravagant for a wedding?

Question

My 19 year old son is getting married soon to his 19 year old fiance. She is still studying at College and he is in the Navy.
The reception is costing $90 a head and they are having 270 guests.
Do you think this is too extravagant?
They don't even have a home/apartment to rent or buy.

He comes home from the navy on the Friday night, gets married on the Saturday and goes back on Sunday to the Navy for a week
before they can start their lives together.

I'm concerned they are both too young.
She works two days a week as a swimming instructor on a minimum wage .

Her parents are paying for their 250 guests and my son pays for the 20 guests. I'm concerned they don't understand the value of money.
Am I worrying too much?

Answer 1

Everyone matures at a different rate but if she is only making minimum wage working as a life guard her and her intedned are in for a very rude awakeing.

I think the wedding is too expensive the bride and groom and parents need to realize that the wedding is for ONE day the marriage is for the REST of thier lives.

You are being concerned, level headed and realstic. If they were my children I would strongly urge that they wait at least one year even before considering marriage at such a young and tender age.

Because how you feel about someone at 19 is NOT always how you feel about someone at 30.

And yes if they are spending 90 dollars a plate for food the people dont have an understanding of money.

You mentioned that they dont have a home or apartment so where are they going to live M'aam with all due respect they DON'T have thier house in order either financially or spiritually.

Sit down and have a talk with these two and encouage them to wait until they at least have a place to live.

I was engaged 2 1/2 years because we did not have money and our parents were NOT going to give us the blessing to get married until one of us had benefits and both of us had jobs and yes I hated being engaged that long but I just celebrated 14 years of marraige in Ocotber and my relative who had a hail mary courtship meaning less than 3 months is now seprated from her husband.

Don't worry about huring thier feelings or that they wont like you because you are voicing your concerns.

But marraige needs to be built on a stable foundataion and if the sctucture is weak the foundation will fall.

It sounds to be that they are in love with the idea of getting married and having a wedding .

Answer 2

90 bucks a person isn't a lot, especially if you live in a high cost of living area. 270 guests is a lot, but maybe you have big families and lots of friends. Whatever.

Honestly, the size of your guest list doesn't make a wedding extravagant; it's the cost of the plate that makes in lavish.

$90 is not a lot, especially if it serves someone a few courses. Go to any nice restuarant (someplace where you are required to dress up) and one person will pay that much in food, drink and dessert.

What I have to say is. They are a bit young and inexperienced in life to gettting married.

This has nothing to do with the parents paying for the wedding cost either. If a parent wants to pay, regardless of age, then that's their right as a parent.

But, the fact they are still in school and don't have steady jobs, that's something to worry about.

Answer 3

you're right on both points, in my opinion. They're too young, and they're overspending.

Most studies show that couples who get married at age 25 or later have a much higher chance of staying together than couples who marry younger. That doesn't mean it *can't* work, but it's going to be hard - especially with one of them in the military. They have a better chance for a successful marriage if they're through with their educations, financially stable, and are both able to contribute to the household income. ...much less stress.

$90 a head seems really expensive, but I guess that depends on where you live. The worrying part is that you said that they don't have anywhere to live yet. That should come first, by a long shot! My fiance and I are engineers in our 30's, and even though we could probably afford it, there's no way we would spend that much for one day. Our wedding is going to be nice but not extravagant. We're having 120 guests, at about $55 a head, in a *really* nice historic mansion/hotel. We're footing the whole bill ourselves, so we are being very carefully with how we spend money!

It's extremely generous of her parents to pay, but it's also taking away an opportunity for the young couple to learn how to set a budget, manage money, and make smart financial choices.

You could talk to them, but chances are that they won't listen to you. If that's the case, do your best to be supportive and offer them sound financial advice when they're ready for it.

Answer 4

I think you are more worried that they are jumping into marriage before they have any solid plans. And I agree. Those showy weddings mean nothing without a solidly planned future. But since they are probably not going to listen to you and obviously her parents think it is OK for your son and their daughter to have an extravagant ceremony then you'll just have to be the silent Mum and see what happens...

Possible the kids are thinking he is in the military and that can be uncertain right now. Maybe the gal and her Mum have planned the wedding as a start to their future. Have you asked your son, who appears able to cover some of the cost, what he plans for when he returns? Does he plan to live with his wife at her parents house or maybe yours? Is he agreeing to marry now rather than wait until they are more settled because he feels pressured? If you want to calmly express your concerns do it now and try to understand so that you don't alienated yourself from the kids. The worst case scenario, albeit no children are involved, is an expensive ceremony and a quick divorce.

Answer 5

I hate to say it but this just doesn't sound promising. yes, i think it is too extravagant, especially when the couple doesnt have a place to live. I agree that they are WAY too young. The fact that the bride's parents are paying for a lot of it is giving them a false impression that it is all taken care off. I bet if they had to pay for the whole wedding themselves, they would see that it is too expensive and how all that money could go toward things they will really need. I would be VERY worried and would tell him why. I would try to talk him out of it, at least to wait a while, but at the end of the day they will probably just have to learn the hard way.

Answer 6

While your concerns may be legitimate, you need to understand that these are not your decisions to make. They are each old enough to marry. Like all young people, they will have to learn how to lead successful lives (including a strong marriage, managing money and a household). I realize you are concerned out of love for your son, but he's a grown man now and you have to let him make his own decisions.

Be happy for them, wish them well, don't say or do anything to dampen their wedding. When my brother got married, my parents had similar concerns. My brother and his bride were right out of school, had no money, she had no job and a small child from a previous relationship, neither of them knew how to manage money or the details of a life, both were moving out of the shelter of their parents' homes. My parents were concerned that the marriage wasn't going to last and that my brother would be hurt emotionally and financially. They didn't keep that to themselves and tried very hard to talk him out of the marriage. It strained the relationship between my brother and my parents and between his fiance and my parents. But, they knew they loved each other, so they got married. They're celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary next week. They've never been happier, having worked through the tough patches in their marriage. Please don't assume your son's marriage is doomed, and don't alienate him or his bride by telling them not to do it. Assume it will work. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Love is a powerful thing.

Answer 7

Their priorities are definately screwed up and you are right. They are probably too young (not because they are 19 necessarily but mature people don't spend that kind of money on a wedding when they don't even have a place to live)

There's not much you can do. Anything you say negative is going to come across as "stuffy" or "my mom is trying to crush my dreams and control me". Let them run with it and learn their lesson, then be supportive when it's time to pick up the pieces. My brother is the same way with his money and I'm sure he will have to learn the hard way.....some people in this world just have to be dropped on their butts before they can understand how hard the ground is.

Answer 8

It's time to let them go off and discover the value of money for themselves. Besides, that's something you should teach early as a parent. That's way to extravagant for me and I think for a lot of people. I would want to be settled before actually throwing a bash like that. But there's not much you can do. It's time to let them find this out on their own. It'll be difficult for them; especially the first year. Over time they'll either adjust and wake up to reality or just call it quits. You can worry all you want but that can't change things. They are young and going to do whatever they want and apparently they want to have a big expensive wedding.

Answer 9

While I personally would not pay that much for a wedding reception, you shouldn't worry too much about it if it is her parent's that are paying for the majority of the wedding. Perhaps her parents have been saving for this event for a long time, or maybe they are more financially well off than you. Are you feeling guilty for not contributing more and that is part of the problem you have with the cost? You are definitely right to be worried about their young age. Most people now wait until they are older and more established before marrying.

Answer 10

Hi, it sounds to me like you are doing the normal caring parent thing and making sure your child doesn't go and ruin his life when he is still so young.
To me this does sound like alot of money, but think of it like this, the brides parents are paying for most of it!
I know you are concerned that they are too young and maybe making the worse decision of their lives but really you have to step aside and let them get on with it. If this is what they truly want.
Okay so maybe a couple of years down the line they decide their marriage isn't working, and decide to go their separate ways, at least they gave it a go. Unfortunatley being a parent is never easy and letting go of your child/young adult is the hardest thing in the world, but if you can stand by their decisions, and let them know that no matter what you are always there for them, then that makes you one of the most understanding parents going.
Okay so they aren't that great with money, but when I got married aged 21 I didn't have clue either, but I learn't, because when it comes to fending for yourself and paying your own bills it certainly hits home how many responsibilities you have and that it is up to you to make sure the bills are paid, then you start becoming better with money. Some people are naturally good with money, others aren't, its all part of the learning curve of life. Good luck with the wedding.