My boyfriend and I have been living together for 7 months. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage and he has grown children. He doesn't want to take care of children because he has already raised his kids. My kids live with their dad and I have them every Saturday evening and every Sunday afternoon and during school breaks. He complains about the visitation schedule. When they are over I work hard to make sure that my kids don't bug him. I feel like I am leading 2 seperate lives and I am being torn in two pieces. I bend over backwards to make my life fit into his busy life. Why can't he just give me this one thing so that I don't feel guilty? When does this get to be about me?
2007-11-13 04:37:23 · 63 answers · asked by southernfocus 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
OK...I feel like I have been misunderstood. My kids live with their dad because he lives in a much better school district and because he has a much more flexible work schedule and can pick up the kids everyday after school. I am not a bad mom!
I have not "picked" my boyfriend over my kids. And if he really pushes it and makes it into a choice...he would loose every time. I guess I am asking how to ease the situation. He is not a jerk...he is a great person...he does not abuse me. He is not mean to the kids but he doesn't make a point to try to get close to them. He does try and will go out to dinner with us sometimes. My kids really like him. So, How can this situation be made easier for everyone?
2007-11-13 05:20:12 · update #1
First and foremost important - Men come and go but your kids are forever. Here's a list to help you think about what kind of person is living with you. I personally find him selfish, demeaning to you and despicable.
1. He knew you were a mom.
2. He can't expect you to be a deadbeat to your kids just cause he is.
3. You are a package deal regardless if he likes it or not.
4. You have very limited time with your kids so you need to really really enjoy it before it's gone.
5. Is this a situation that makes you happy or are you willing to sacrifice your kids over this man?
6. How does he make your little ones feel?
7. Does it matter to you?
Think on it cause we only get one chance with our kids. Good luck.
2007-11-13 04:49:30 · answer #1 · answered by saucylatina 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
These is one of those issues that you probably should have discussed with each other before he moved in.
Maybe if you brought it up to him privately, asking him how much he loves his children, if he enjoyed spending time with them when they were younger, if he would have rather never had them to begin with. All very personal, but it will give you an understanding of his view of children.
If he claims he loves them with all his heart, wouldn't have traded it for the world, etc....then ask him to please sympathize with YOUR plight...your plight being that your children are a very important part of your life, as much as he is, and that you only have a short time before they are grown.
You already don't see them very often, from the sounds of it. 2 days a week versus 7? If he doesn't like children he should be counting his blessings.
If he complains about his previous children, or never wants to visit with them, talk to them on the phone, etc...then he is just not the fatherly type and if I were you I would reconsider the relationship with him, because you should never, EVER have to chose a spouse over your children.
He's not being very understanding, and I will tell you two things. One, this emotional guilt you're experiencing is NOT good for your health. Two, your children will pick up on the tension, and the tension will only grow more and more every visit until it's possible your boyfriend will explode.
I can't make the choice for you, and I don't know all the details...but I hope this works out for you somehow. <3 *heart*
2007-11-13 04:45:10 · answer #2 · answered by Kailee 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a very natural reaction for you to not want your kids around their moms' new bf. But wanting to have them more to prevent them being around him isn't fair. She is going to date other people, just as you are. You should take steps to see your kids more because you want to be more a part of their lives, and not for other reasons. However, like I said, I think your reaction is perfectly normal and many others go through the same thing.
2016-04-03 22:52:14 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In mt opinion you should have never given your kids up to the father unless you was not fit to care for them. Your BF has no respect for you as a mother either. I assume that when you got with him that you did not have the kids, so you could not tell him that they came with the package of having you. Poor children... You should feel guilty. Also, if you was a good mother then you would never worry about, when is it going to be about you. You would live your life putting your children first and they would be all about you. I really think that unfortunately you just don't deserve the respect you selfishly believe you deserve. Maybe leave the man and be a full time mom to those little kids. get your head on straight and wake-up.
2007-11-13 04:44:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you look at your question i feel it is riddle with guilt, You are trying to justify picking your live in boyfriend over your children. You Are there Mother if you can not provide them a worthy step father then why are you wasting his and your time, especially the precious time you have your kids on the weekends or holidays to make memories and bond. maybe living with him has opened your eyes. Boyfriend or no boyfriend a MOTHER should ALWAYS choose to protect the life she created over a person she is living with. Do your kids a real favor and put them first if live in boyfriend dose not like it then he needs to go. It is currently about you and your kids and will continue to be that way the rest of your life, the only thing to change is the live in boyfriend.
2007-11-13 04:57:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Move out and get your own place. Every parent's kids should come first and there is no apology needed for it. Seriously, this guy's attitude is not for you, I don't care how much you love him. He doesn't need to love your kids, but he does need to respect them and be kind to them as a part of you and your life.
You shouldn't have to work hard to make sure your kids don't bug him. WTF? It's your place too and your kids are being poisoned by the negative atmosphere around him.
The fact that you bend over backwards to make your life fit into his busy schedule and he can't bother to be respectful of your motherhood - which is a beautiful thing! - tells me that you need to get out. Or boot him out. You are being torn. Let go of him to be with your kids before you rip and the children are left motherless.
2007-11-13 04:44:30 · answer #6 · answered by AJ 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
your bf need to know he is of no importance when it comes to your children. You hardly see your kids, and when you do your boyfriend has a problem. Since you don't want to let this guy go, be a woman and tell him the REAL DEAL. My kids are important to me and i will have them here at my house. If he was a real man this wouldn't be an issue. You should never feel guilty about having your kids by you. NEVER.
2007-11-13 08:19:11 · answer #7 · answered by michelle c 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
...As you can see from the several answers above mine, there's one simple answer. Apparently this guy is self-centered and does not want you to spend time with your children. I am sure that your children can sense his animosity. You need to sit down and speak with him and tell him that your children are important to you and must come first. Also, that his existing bad attitude about you spending time with your own kids had been wearing away at your patience and stressing you out. He needs to understand that there are only 2 choices. He can treat the time spent with you and your children as a family time and join in the togetherness or he can leave. There is really no other choice.
2007-11-13 04:46:33 · answer #8 · answered by Princess Leia 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
assuming your kids are resonably well behaved, this is a serious warning sign about your relationship. You don't say how old your kids are, but if they are 12 years old or less, you need to get this resolved in favor of the kids. Either he makes himself scarce when your kids are around or he needs to find another place to live. Kids should come first, but also, kids do need to behave and have good manners.
so if the kids are acting out, and causing problems, deal with that. but if they are reasonably well behaved, then the problem is with your boyfriend. Expecting someone to abandon their children is a sign of a very narcissistic person.
I'd seriously consider ending this relationship.
2007-11-13 04:42:42 · answer #9 · answered by John M 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
The answer is obvious to me. If he doesn't want your kids around then he needs to go because you and your kids area package deal. As far as when this gets to be about you goes: There is no more about you when it comes to those kids. It is about the kids until they are grown and out on their own. Tell your man to get over it or get out. Personally I don't feel that having a live in with your kids around is a good idea. That is not a stable environment.
2007-11-13 04:41:59 · answer #10 · answered by M 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋