I want a real wedding......Should I just let it go?........?

Question

I was recently married to my boyfriend of over two years....he was married once before but this is my first marriage.....I wanted a big fairy tale wedding but he talked me into waiting "until we can afford my dream wedding" and we were married at the courthouse.......but now he's saying that since he already had the extraordinary wedding with lots of flowers and doves that he doesn't want to have a show with ours...he said he wants to show me he loves me and not have a show for everyone else to believe he loves me.....i understand but since i was a child i imagined how my wedding would be.....

Should I just let it go and live on with my courthouse ceremony or tell him that I really do want a real wedding with my family watching??????..........

Answer 1

You should not have agreed to the courthouse ceremony which, by the way, is legally a real wedding. Couples who wait to have the big affair they've dreamed of usually never save the money because the reality of life gets in the way.

Since you compromised with him about the ceremony, he should be willing to work with you on the delayed wedding. Tradition dictates that it is, after all, the bride's big day.

I was in a similar situation, but we didn't do the courthouse ceremony first. My husband was previously divorced, but he gave me my day which made me feel like a princess. My demands were not too great, and we opted to spend more on the reception and enjoy the time with our guests over a full, hearty meal. It turned out to be a wonderful compromise, we had enough money left for a very nice honeymoon and we didn't start our lives together in debt.

If your husband isn't on board with what you want, you need to work out a compromise. If he made a promise, he should keep it, but you need to be willing to back off of some of the showy pomp and circumstances since that seems to be what bothers him most. Opt for fewer bridesmaids, a few less floral arrangements, a less ostentatious venue, etc. If he sees that you're making efforts to be considerate of his feelings, perhaps he will be more willing to work with you to make you happy and have an attitude that will enable him to enjoy that big day with you.

If your husband doesn't keep some form of his original promise, you have much larger issues to deal with other than just getting your dream wedding! Both of you need to keep your stubborn pride in check or every big decision from here out will become a battle.

If it turns out that you don't get the big wedding you want now, perhaps you and he can agree on a big anniversary celebration at some point in the future. You can buy a fancy dress and the two of you can exchange vows then. You'll have time to save money and plan your fairy tale day.

Answer 2

Maybe there's a comprimise that will work for both of you.

I think a big part of the reason that he doesn't want the big fairy tale wedding is that it reminds him of his first one, which didn't work out. The "flowers and doves" wedding to him may symbolize the start of something that ends up badly.

Maybe you can have a nice, smaller, expressive (not necessarily expensive) wedding by doing something creative. It would be fun and princessy enough that you would be satisfied, but very different from his first. Some examples would be a skydiving wedding, a barefoot beach wedding with a short flowery dress where all the attendees wear beachy attire, an outdoorsy wedding if you're into camping and outdoor activities, etc.

I would advise finding some interest that you both have in common, and design a simple but festive wedding and reception around it. Bonus if the ex-wife would not be interested in something like that; it sets your wedding apart as different and shows that you're heading in a new direction together.

Additionally, if you do something very different, you can spend as much or as little as you want because people don't know what to expect. There will be no obligation to waste money on seat covers and bubble blowers and open bar, because your concept is different. This frees you up to save more money for the life of the marriage, not just the wedding. You can do something very classy and stylish without wasting money on the things people think you're "supposed to" have with a traditional wedding.

Congratulations, and good luck!

Answer 3

I understand how you feel and other people have given you some good advice...BUT...I'm sorry to say that this all comes down to money. If you have a lot of spare cash between you then why not? Remember that the 'real' fairy tale wedding is VERY costly indeed, it's easy to spend ten thousand plus, and the sky's the limit!
Perhaps as someone else said, compromise. Have a tasteful affair, not too expensive but with style, and your partner really should agree to that.
I am old and a bit cynical because I've been to many seriously expensive do's and the people split two years later. I can't help thinking was the 20 grand spent on the wedding worth it?
But lets be optimistic in your case and say "Compromise" and do it tastefully. Like acting, many times in this world 'less is more'.

Answer 4

He is being selfish. Keep pressing for what you want. Your first wedding only happens once and a bride should be able to expect a great wedding within the couple's/family's financial limitations. This isn't a good sign. I can't believe he said, "...but now he's saying he already had the extraordinary wedding with doves and flowers...". Fine, but YOU DIDN'T!

You are in the right. Why shouldn't you receive the same consideration as his first wife. Does he feel that you are a lesser person because you married seconds?

Edit: I agree with DJ, kitten, and Mrsidaho...you absolutely should not have agreed to the courthouse wedding. Now it will be an uphill battle, since you no longer need a wedding as you are already married. Do not cave in again when something is that important to you.

Answer 5

This is one of those things that you have to start compromising on. I know you want your fairy tale wedding--but the reality is, he doesn't. But that is not to say that you should give up entirely.

Perhaps you can have a smaller version of the dream wedding.....you can still have the dress and flowers and the cake....but not the huge extraordinary event you initially envisioned. His point of view is valid, especially for someone has been married before. Just express to him your desire to share your day with your family and close friends....and that you hope you two could agree on something that will make both of you happy.

Answer 6

Hi and congratulations!

Sorry to tell you....but your courthouse wedding WAS a REAL WEDDING. You are now married...so you can't have another wedding.

What you CAN do, however, is have a renewal of vows ceremony. I wouldn't do it up REAL BIG, though. Sorry...that's just how I feel. You are already married...so what would be the point? This question is asked LOTS on here....so, in the end you do what you want. I have never been to a big "wedding" after someone is already married. You must ask yourself....will it REALLY feel the same?

Also...here is something that I do know is true. Since you are already married, it's not a legal ceremony....so ANYONE can perform this...it doesn't need to be a clergy member or a justice of the peace. If you wanted your marriage "blessed" in a certain church, then speak with your priest or pastor.

What you could focus on, however, would be to have something maybe at your house and then have a big party afterward. There would be nothing wrong with that!!

Good luck!

Answer 7

First off, you wouldn't be having a "wedding". A ceremony you would have after you are legally married would be a vow renewal. You have missed your train with the wedding - there's no way around it. You can still plan a nice vow renewal ceremony for maybe your 5th anniversary, and have some of the things you've always dreamed about - flowers etc. But it's a ways off, and you two will have plenty of time to agree on what to do. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a celebration and share a special moment with your family - you should certainly tell him how you feel and how important it is to you. Just don't call it a "wedding", because it's not going to be.

Answer 8

A nice compromise might be a ceremony to renew your vows. Have a few things that are really important to you; beautiful dress (EBAY ROCKS-awesome dresses for AMAZING prices, have flowers, and the doves). Start shopping for places to get these items at a discount. Consider an outdoor ceremony as it would be cheaper but can still be beautiful with a gazebo. Give yourself a budget and get another job to start saving the money for it that way your spouse won't feel the pressure and the crunch of the expense. Lastly, decide what it really is that is important to you about having a ceremony. Maybe you just want to feel the love and support of family and friends or you want to feel pamperd and like a beautiful princess and that is ok!
Keep it simple, small, and elegant. Pretend you have a small budget of 2,500.00 and plan the BEST you can do with that. It will help you get REALLY creative and help you set your priorites. Tell your hubby it is important to you and then get proactive - get an extra job and try to find fun ways to include him.

Answer 9

I think you should have the wedding of your dreams! Plan it, put it all on paper (yeah right like you haven't already..LOL) make sure that you show him how much time & effort you have put into the planning. Make sure that you are keeping your fairytale wedding within a budget you know that you can afford (this is very doable) so that he wont immediately say no to it. He made you a promise that you would have your dream wedding when you could afford it. Let him know that building your life together means making sacrifices for the ones that you love, and keeping the promises you make. Make him be a man of his word!

Answer 10

That's grand for him that he already had that, but you haven't and you should have a ceremony for your families. They want to celebrate your union also. Your parents would also be getting jipped.Maybe your hubby, is scared of the big cost. You know, you don't need a big fairytale expensive wedding. Maye comprimise, and make a very beautiful, maneingful small wedding. You can do this at a reasonable price. Maybe at one of your parents home or in the back yard, small garden wedding. Instead of buying everything etc.. make your own things, this way you will have more meaning to the experience. You already shose to marry in the court, so you are already married, so throw a small beautiful wedding for you and family and have a fun little reception. The most is enjoy yourselves. a marriage isn't about the wedding it is about the marriage. So comprimise and make it meaningful and personal to both of you. He needs not to compair his previous wedding ceremony etc.. to you and yours.