My MIL is already trying to "claim" x-mas day for us to go there, and I haven't even spoken to my side about their plans.
I thought it would be good to have it at our house (since we have never done it b4 and both families can "have us"). but how should i tell her, she is like a tempermental child about stuff like this.
And both fam's do get along w/ eachother.
Any suggestions hw i should talk to her? I need to do it quick!
2007-11-13
03:20:37
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22 answers
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asked by
Elisheva
4
in
Family & Relationships
➔ Family
FYI: hubby is on board, & no kids in the mix : )
2007-11-13
03:39:55 ·
update #1
u guys are really giving me some great insight and i truly thank you!!
2007-11-13
03:52:18 ·
update #2
You need to speek up for what you feel is important or she will try and take right over believe me I know. I have a monster mother in law that doesn't like to share the holidays in the past it has gotten ugly. If you want to have a holiday let it be known let her know it would be so much easier to have the holidays with everyone so you can spend the day with all.
2007-11-14 10:14:14
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answer #1
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answered by BabyDolll128 3
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You are going to have to talk to her about it. Just explain how you are trying to coordinate both sides of the family. Sometimes alternating the holidays is the easiest. It is also nice being able to go to someone elses that allows you to relax a bit. You just have to let her know that you are wanting to find the best possible solution for all involved. It really just comes down to allowing someone else to be in charge and / or passing down the torch. It is not worth creating a problem or uncomfortable situation. It's Christmas! Hey she could not want you around at all. If you think about it, she just wants to be included and not to feel like she is no longer an important part of the family. I know some people will say do want you want.... Don't let her be overbearing. But be bigger than that. It's FAMILY, It's CHRISTMAS, It's easy to let it go and remember what is really important.
2007-11-13 03:30:54
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answer #2
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answered by mazotti1 4
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This is how I solved this problem 32 years ago and it worked. I gave a Christmas open house in honor of my mother in law(you can include your mom too). I invited all her friends and family(we had our family christmas, just us and kids in the morning), to come between 1 and whenever it ended, and I served all of her favorite foods. Some years we had 10 people, some years we had 100, but the idea was everyone comes in stays an hour or so and then moves on their whatever else they had to do. Before I called everyone into to eat(buffet style, on paper plates) I would give a toast(you could also do a prayer) to my mother in law and announced how much I loved her and appreciated all she did for me during the year, yada yada.
She's been gone since the early 1990's but I still have the tradition, but mostly my friends and some family now. She loved it, felt special and more importantly I never had to go anyplace on Christmas Day.
Don't ask her, simply get the invitations out there RIGHT NOW and beat her to the punch. If she gets mad, she's getting mad at a party in HER honor. There is no way she can explain that one to anyone, so you will be home free.
Btw, my MIL was a sweetheart and really loved her special day. (I really meant it, she was better to me than my own mother).
2007-11-13 03:35:25
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answer #3
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answered by tjnstlouismo 7
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You didn't mention whether or not you have small children--usually this is the catalyst for changing plans over to accomodate Christmas morning Santa experience for the little ones. You also didn't say how much distance is involved for either side and whether or not that precludes short visits with each side during the same day.
The other factor to consider would be any other siblings your husband has and how your plans would affect their visits to your MIL's house.
The best thing to do would be to have your husband (not you) negotiate the holiday plans with his side of the family. But this may not work if he is a mama's boy with no backbone or if he is oblivious as many men are to the nuances of this situation.
The 2nd best thing to do would be to suggest the plans you way you want them, cross your fingers and hope for the best. You might want to have a fall back position in mind as a compromise you can live with to keep the peace. It's not completely out of line to start an every other year rotation sort of system for holidays. You could actually suggest this to start with (if in fact it would be YOUR family's turn), and offer to host it at your house as an alternative. Your MIL might think this was the better of those two options, especially if you make it sound like it ISN'T your first choice and she would be forcing you to compromise. (Follow me?)
Good luck!
2007-11-13 03:29:22
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answer #4
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answered by arklatexrat 6
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So she has invited you? The way you wrote 'claim' xmas day is not clear to me. This is when old fashioned etiquette comes into play . If she has invited you for Christmas then you need to decline or accept. If you decline, It would be gracious to say ' Well we invited my parents over-would you like to join us?' ( presuming they really do get along and really both sets want to spend it with the other which i truly doubt) If neither one of you has accepted then you go ahead and make your plans and wait for her invitation. A 'claim' is dubious as an invitation but I guess she is being very informal.? I think you and your husband need to truly plan out in advance how to handle this-not only this year but in years to come or else it will be increasingly not happy. Good luck
2007-11-13 03:46:47
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answer #5
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answered by barthebear 7
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Tell her that you'd like to spend the holidays with both of your families... And because of that, you'd like her to join you at your house...
You MIL wants to feel special by having people over and fixing them dinner like she used to when she had young kids. The way to break this is to tell her it's now your turn to host. But also ask her for her experience and help. Ask her to help you with the turkey or meal. In other words, get her involved at your house. Let her feel important, perhaps that would be your Christmas gift to her.
Good luck.
2007-11-13 04:18:08
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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what i did when i was newly married w/little ones was i just said i was cooking and they all could come over. fortunately, that was ok w/them. i cooked for all the holidays, mothers day, the whole works. and of course, w/no help even w/the kids while i was cooking, cleaning and preparing during the day. it still was worth it for me. but now, i live alone, my kids are grown. they usually go to their fathers and now also to the new daughter-in-laws parents who are both remarried. it stinks not to see them (its rare that i do-they come over a couple times a year but i do call and stop in to see them at times, careful not to overdo it) and that they have time for the other parents tho. i do live 1/2 hr away from them tho but still... i do respect their wants, needs and wishes and want them to be happy so i dont speak up. i invite then drop it. maybe i will say something this year tho lol. good luck and i would say, do your own thing this year (or some year) and invite everyone so noone feels left out. see how it goes. theres always next year to try it differently if you want or need to
2007-11-13 03:34:03
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answer #7
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answered by AlwaysWondering 5
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easier said then done but...just say, "You know...we thought it might be really fun to do Christmas at our place this year. That way we don't have to lug all our stuff around, etc. We thought we'd have a little party and invite all of our family over to celebrate with us." Make sure your hubby is on board and make it sound like it was a family decision. Also, be sure to put her in charge of something--cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc. but let her do it, no input from you!
Good luck, I know I don't have a backbone when it comes to my In-Laws so I only wish I could tell them what I would rather do.
2007-11-13 03:29:11
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answer #8
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answered by mommymj 2
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This could be a little tough. Grab her with your father in law and just ask her how she would feel if you would be the hostess to all three families for the first time.Tell her if she would like to help out you would welcome that,Any thing to make her feel at home.Remind her that you too have a mom and it's a pretty difficult situation ,You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Make dishes that will satisfy her.Good Luck. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL THREE FAMILIES.
2007-11-13 04:18:24
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answer #9
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answered by john m 1
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I love the idea of you having it at your home so that both families can attend. Explain to your mother that you are trying hard to meet her half way in this situation and that you would like the opportunity to build memories of Christmas at your place. She should understand and if not then can you meet at her place on Christmas Eve?
2007-11-13 03:39:31
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answer #10
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answered by Joy 2
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