Okay, why are people attacking us adoptees?

Question

i have read a couple of questions from dreamwhip,happy adoptee and noodlesmycat. I'm starting to take their questions personally!! Just because i'm for open records does not make me anti-adoption. Just b/c i found my n-mom does not mean i love my adoptive parents any less. I just wanted her to answer my questions. I'm here at my computer crying and being angry. I can't believe they feel that i'm crap because i wanted to know some medical information(diabetes runs in the family), where I came from(i'm mexican-irish). I do know of case close to home that they were abused by their adopted parents. So i feel that there should be closer screening of couples. So the child will have a happy home enviroment for all involved. I just don't understand why they think i'm anti-adoption because i want to help other adoptees who are searching. I like this forum, i have had alot of questions. And everyone has been nice to answer them. I don't know i feel like such a loser because of them.

to noodlesmycat: i also posted a reply @ Belvia Q&A. I will say it again. I honsetly think that some adoptees have a legimate reason to be angry @ the system. NOT all adoptions are successful. You may have adopted a child and everything is wonderful. I have wonderful a-parents. but that does not mean that there are cases out there where the couple adopting should of been looked at closer. Being adopted comes with a lot of emitions that are sometimes hard to explain. I just don't want you or others out there to think that those that have addressed for certain reforms are anti-adoption. Are there people who don't believe in adoption? Yes! But most people here are for adoption reform. They want more rights for adoptees. I just feel they shouldn't be attacked also, just like you feel you shouldn't be attacked.

Der M
All us adoptees are wanting is our adoption records. Not sure where you think you can tell me that you would rather give your kid an abortion before u gave to me. did i misunderstand??? Yes i did report you. Maybe i overacted. not sure. It sounds like you were saying i was a crack whore?

Answer 1

I am sorry that you are feeling attacked and nothing you said gave me the impression you are "anti-adoption." My husband and I adopted our son from Ethiopia and we were told to just forget ever thinking we can learn about his past but we had an investigation done and learned the truth, found family and can have this for him when he is older and has questions because when a child is adopted their first family is not erased (nor is all the history that goes with it). It should be honored and respected as part of the whole person who is adopted. No matter the circumstances of your adoption every adoption is bittersweet because as joyous as it is for the adoptive family there is sadness and loss for the family that endures that loss; even when it is the best decision for all involved.

I am glad your questions were answered and just know that most comments that are harsh and judgmental have more to do with the person saying those things than with the person hearing it.

May God bless your journey in life.

Answer 2

In every forum, be it here or anywhere on the internet, you're going to come across these type of people.

They might not have even been adopted or touched by adoption, you NEVER know.

I am an adoptive mother, and though my children know where they came from (a neglectful and abusive mother and family), I always allow them to talk about them, and if they wanted to see her once they're grown, I would help them in finding her.

I agree with your thoughts about better screening of adoptive couples...however, remember, some people don't realize/know they're going to be abusive to children until they actually have children...the same as in birth children OR adoptive children.

I am one that believes that parenting should always be the first option for a birth mother, not the last. If she doesn't have a good support system, regardless of her age, then she should consider adoption, BUT, she should make 100% sure that her situation isn't going to change in a year or 2 and she'd be able to parent the child then.

They try to tell biological mothers that they will forget, or the pain will lessen as the years go by.

It never will.

But, perhaps I just have a good coping system...I have never been embarrassed or ashamed that I have only been able to have pregnancies but not carry to term. We wanted a family, not a pregnancy, so to speak, you know?

I guess that's why, as an adoptive mother, I can be so open minded to adoptees that are simply curious as to where they "come from" that others get so taken aback by.

Answer 3

I understand... It feels like there are two boards. I read one where there are some serious disagreements, but generally I read adoptees reporting questions and curiosity (and sometimes some pretty bad experiences), and I see them getting thumbs down. Then I read about this other board where there are all these "anti-adoption" fanatics. I don't see their comments, but apparently they're out there... somewhere.

I have gotten thumbs down for writing what I thought were empathic responses to the question being asked. I'm not sure why. I just know I have decide if it's worth it to me to stay on here and try to answer questions from those who seem genuinely interested in the experiences of adoptees.

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. I hope that you know you aren't alone. There are a lot of good people here. The trick, for me, is tuning out the cranks and listening to those people who are genuinely interested in constructive conversation, whether or not I agree with them.

The conversation here shouldn't be personal. But those of us who have lived through adoption can't help but feel like our emotions are rubbed raw. This, for us, is personal. But when people attack us, instead of disagreeing with something we've said, it cuts even more quickly.

I value your responses here. But take care of yourself, too. Don't hang out here if it's causing you such grief. Come to the forum Marsha R points you to. It's a good place.

Answer 4

Sweetheart, you are the farthest thing from a loser I can imagine. In fact I applaud you for your honesty and forthrightness. Many are simply afraid of what you (and mothers) represent. They can't wrap their heads around the simple fact that all of us need to know who we came from and the why's behind our lives. They don't seem to realize that just as mothers can love more than one child, so to can children love more than one set of parents. Our hearts have a great capacity for love, all of us love people who are not related to us by blood. If we didn't have that capacity no one would adopt would they? You have to see beyond the angry attacks and try to understand that these people can't get past their own insecurities and fears. Do you know that some who protest so loudly against us are the ones who feel they will be abandoned by the children they adopted? They fear that they will not love them anymore, that they are being replaced nevermind that they were the replacement to begin with, but that is a scary thing for them to deal with. Most do not realize that by accepting their childrens need to search, to know, they would be strengthening the relationship they have. All they know is the fear of loss. But at what cost do they say and do these things? What cost to the very relationships they want to protect?

We in the reform movement deal with this every single day. Every time we speak somewhere we run across the scared and angry who would do anything to stop us from speaking the truth. Because they know that sooner or later we will win this debate and the face of adoption will change and when that happens their daydream "as if born to" world will crumble and the truth will be right there in front of them,. Then they will have to face the truth of how many were hurt, were lied to, coerced into surrender and made to feel 'less than." They can't stand the thought of that. Remember that those who do this don't have our strength, they don't know what being strong and brave really is. All they know to do is to hide behind the lies they were told and pretend that all adoption is good and happy, when clearly it isn't.

Adoption should always be a last resort, used when all other avenues have failed. IF child has to be separated from their parents look into family adoption, kinship care and gaurdianship before adoption is considered. Then and only then should stranger adoption occur. That is what we espouse, along with open records for all involved in adoption. Why is that so scary? Why is it so purposely misunderstood? Oh yes that's right, they want to remain in the daydream world don't they?

So you see it really isn't you, it is them. Don't let them get to you sweetheart. Keep right on speaking your truth and in the end you will be the bigger person.

Answer 5

oh, healing_adoptee, don't let them get you down. I have been labeled as an anti-adoption zealot and blocked by them, and I'm an adoptive mother too. Just because we aren't all "adoption is always wonderful! Please give your babies away!!" they think we're bad people. Do not feel like a loser, you are NOT a loser! Everything you feel is totally normal and there are a lot more of us out there just like you.
If they are happy adoptees, then fine, thats awesome for them. I had great aparents too and a great life also. We just happen to be more hurt over losing our original families and our personal history than they were it seems, but whatever floats their boat. That does not make it okay for them to call us nazi's, say we should be sterilized at birth or calling us out and saying we're anti adoption zealots or sociopaths and all that anytime we answer someone else. Its really just ridiculous. Please don't waste your tears.


ETA: Noodlesmycat, you said "from this group for calling me a "kidnapper", baby buyer", that my beloved child "will murder me some day" and, that I "didn't deserve to adopt my baby" and I am "a bad mother"."

Who said any of this to you? I know I've never said anything of the like to you or anyone else here. I don't recall ever reading anyone else here saying that your child is going to murder you or calling you a kidnapper? I can't imagine what the heck was said to make someone contemplate suicide or leave the forum altogether? You are more than welcome to go through my past answers and point out to me anywhere I've been rude, name called, or not done my best to give someone the best answer I could. However, I've had plenty of things said about me from your side. I think this rivalry is immature and petty. I think we should all go back to answering people's questions about adoption the best we can whatever our opinions may be and stop fighting with one another.

Answer 6

Oh sweetie - please don't cry. I'm an adoptive Mom and I hope and pray that my son wants to find his first mother when he is old enough.

People who feel passionately about their "cause", whether pro or anti anything will fight tooth and nail to get their point across. I have found that listening to them and engaging them in a peaceful way (non-confrontational) is the best thing for everyone. You have an opportunity to learn about their perspective and they have an opportunity to learn yours.

I have a dear friend who is anti-adoption. She is a first mother who was forced into placing her daughter up for adoption. She posted some nasty things on my blog and instead of getting twisted over it - I let her educate me. Now I fight for the rights of adoptees and first mothers to be heard and to be respected.

Find your first family. The journey will take you to amazing places in your heart.

Answer 7

I'm sorry you are so upset! Please dont let others get to you so much, they have no idea what exactly you are going through. I'm sure there are some people who just want to disapear after putting a child up for adoption, but just as many who wouldnt. Its such a personal decision and so emotional...If I got lucky enough to adopt I'd only do an open adoption, so that the mother would know her birth child was ok and the child would be able to ask questions if he was curious.

Dont let others get to you!

Answer 8

I hear you and I agree with Andrya. The anger you see here towards adoptees is based in fear.

I find that some of the rhetoric spewed here has made me even more appreciative of my adoptive family.

They always tried their best to understand mysadness about being relinquished. They never made me feel badly about having questions or negative feelings.

I mean really, can you imagine how hard life would be if your adoptive parents threatened to sterilize you every time you questioned anything adoption related? Yikes. That must be like living in a nightmare!

You feel your feelings and ask your questions and know that you are ok.

Answer 9

YOU ARE NOT a LOSER.


Of course it would hurt your feelings to have someone attack you for dealing with a very personal and tender issue. That is their problem not yours, it reflects the kind of person they are not you.


People like that have been around for ages, they helped make it so difficult for adoptees to deal with the issues of being adopted, they want to shame you into complicity and silence.

Not having support for these matters makes it very difficult to navigate through them, I hope you can remember that you are helping other adoptees by telling your story, someone will come across it and feel like they are not alone, as you know as an adoptee, that is a powerful thing.

Not all adoptive parents/adoptees are like the ones you mentioned, don't let a few baddies skew your view, concentrate on the good you are doing for yourself and others.


You should be proud of yourself, it takes a lot of courage to speak up against such venom.

Answer 10

Obama's Black Liberation Theology is not Christian, Muslim or Hebrew it is a racist bas*ardization of all three major religions. Romney's polytheist Mormonism is much more like Islam than it is like Christianity as his prophet said "The traditional Christ of whom they (Christians) speak is not the Christ of whom I speak". Libertarians, Liberals, Conservatives and Atheists alike only want to make sure that all Americans see the differences between the religions and moral underpinnings of the two men. It is not criticism it is information politely discussed by polite people...yours is the attack in the room, you attack the beliefs of others demanding and expecting that they should adhere to your narrow minded view of the world. Attack if you must but be aware that we just consider the source, that of a bigot.