How do foster parents cope with losing their foster children?

Question

My best friend has fostered 3 sisters for the past 5 years. They recently applied to adopt the children, I don't know all the details of the court hearing, but the judge awarded custody back to the biological parents! It's such a travesty, the girls were sexually and physically abused most of their lives, and they screamed when they had to leave my friend and her hubby. How do they cope with this, and what can I say to them? We're all shocked, everyone was positive that they would be able to adopt them.

Answer 1

My husband and I have been foster parents for a year and a half now. I can say form experience that it is definitely a grieving process that you go through when the children leave, no matter the reason. I'm sure the fear of not know how the kids are being taken care of and the length of time they were part of the family makes it that much more difficult.

It is somewhat difficult to fully understand if you have never been through it yourself. There aren't many people who do understand, which can make it that much more difficult and lonely because it can be hard to put into words when no one knows just what you are going through.

Our first foster child stayed with us for 9 months. But when she was placed with us it was the county's intention for us to adopt her. We were told that she had no family to take her in and if we took her it would be a foster to adopt placement. We obviously got very attached to her very quickly. Long story short her aunt came up out of nowhere at the very last second she could and said that she wanted her. It was absolutely devastating for our entire family even though we were pretty certain that she would be well taken care of. It was still a loss in our family. It really was as if our daughter had died. Looking back on it now some 7 months later I see that it really was for the better. She is with her family and that is important. It still hurts but the hurt does heal with time.

I guess my suggestion to you as their friend would be just to recognize that they are grieving and allow them to do so. We had people in our lives at the time she was leaving that were trying so hard to convince themselves and us that the aunt would fall through that they completely over looked what we were going through. There is not much that can be said in a situation like this. Just be there for them and let them talk when need be, even if you have heard it all before. I'm sure that one day they will be able to look back on the situation and feel good that they were able to impact those girls lives in a huge way. I don't know how long they have been foster parents for but I do know that the first is definitely the hardest. I seriously didn't think that I would be able to go on and I certainly did not ever want to do foster care again. I was very depressed and could barely cope some days. But here we are with our second! Some people are just called to be there for these kids and you cant deny that or get away form it.

Answer 2

It is hard. Most biological parents want nothing to do with the foster parents after the kids are returned. My children were in foster care for 15 months. Just this past Sunday when my daughter was baptized, her foster parents were there. We all went to lunch afterward. My 4 boys went to one home and my daughter went to a different home. The boys' foster parents come and pick-up the youngest and one of his brothers (they rotate which other boy goes) on Saturday about once a month. This past Friday they took the youngest for the day Friday and asked if they could keep him until Saturday afternoon. Our kids view them as family, and so do we. But even with the ability to see our children whenever they ask, it is hard. You are obviously not in Texas, because by the time the children have been in foster care 18 months typically they start the process to terminate parental rights. I can't imagine why after 5 years they would return these girls to the biological parents. After 15 months of not having my kids it was a major adjustment getting them back. I can't imagine 5 years. And by that time the girls had probably spent more of their lives in foster care than with their parents. Somebody needs to get some kind of investigation done. That is more abusive than anything I can think of.

Answer 3

I don't know what you mean by "really as bad as they make it look on TV." I didn't see Law and Order so don't know what you're talking about. I mentor a child in foster care. I've seen two foster homes the child has been in. Some foster parents are in strictly for the money. It's a primary or secondary source of income and the kids get basics and are treated poorly. Almost all the kids have issues but then they wouldn't be in foster care if they didn't. If you'd be more specific I could better answer your question.

Answer 4

my daughter was in foster care because i broke my back and i had no family near me that was willing to take on the responsibility of my child. I loved the foster parents dearly and still do, while she was in their care they told me about their heeart wrenching story of how they had been trying to conceive for 10yrs with no luck. I was not only physically in bad shape but i was also financially bad off, and homeless(long story) so i asked them if they would be willing to adopt my daughter. They thought i was joking at first, but when they realized i wasn't they happily adopted her.
I have no regrets and i am glad i did do it cause i have no idea where i would be right now or where she would be had i not.
They had fostered children for so many yrs hoping it would fill the gap in their hearts from not being able to have their own children. They did stop fostering after they adopted her, but she gets lots of love and is very happy in her home, and i am not considered any less of a mother by them for doing what i did.
You have to be mentally and emotionally strong to be a foster parent, i hope somehow your friend can find a way to cope and you never know something good may come from this.

Answer 5

You never stop thinking about it. Foster parents have to be strong and do their best to show love and security without showing emotion. I was a Foster parent and knowing the childs case history would break a normal persons heart. If you plan on being a Foster parent, do it for the kids, not the money. They need you.

Answer 6

I'm foster parent and have a 1 year old baby, we been a foster for her a year and a half We was told that we could adopt the baby but time went by now I have to let go of my baby girl. I don't know how to let go the System is the fault of breaking the kids heart. when they are retuned back to violence. how sad.

Answer 7

They did know in the begining that the parents still the right to get their kids back,you should tell that God has a plan for all and that they did their part now it is time to Let the oarents do theirs.They should take some time to get it together then if they are up to it try again to foster som other children and try not to get atatched this time.They can also ask the parents if it would be possible to stay in contact with thr children that just may help.

Answer 8

they grieve just like a parent of a child that died. they miss them terribly and suffer all the same sad confusing emotions a biological parent would--including anger. tell them how sorry you are they did not get to keep the kids, that you know they deserved better than the treatment they got and that the kids will always remember how much they loved them. let them know you are there if they want/need to talk and then give them time to cope and heal.God bless you and your friends and the children.

Answer 9

The parents always get them back if they show the slightest remorse and sorry effort to pull a life back together. My sister died and her low-life husband gave up her twins to adoption and now I can't ever see them again unless they come looking for me, and they are my own flesh and blood.

Answer 10

Losing A Foster Child