I need your help in dealing with death?

Question

Today I received some bad news. I found out that my grandmother might possibly pass away soon. She's been sick for some time and now her condition has gotten worse in the last couple of weeks. When I got the news, I was extremely upset (a normal reaction). I know it's never easy to lose a loved one. Right now, I feel as if my world might fall apart and quite frankly, I realized that I don't know how to deal with such an unavoidable and common thing as death. My grandmother actually helped raise me.

I've experienced the deaths of relatives before but never no one so close. I fear being unable to function and guilt that I haven't been able to spend as much time with her as I would've liked in her later years (we live far apart).

Another thing is that I lack a support system to get me through hard times. Whenever I experience a let down of some sort, I suffer alone. I don't know what to do right now! Please offer me some advice on grieving and dealing with this situation

Answer 1

When my Grandmother passed away, I felt much like you do right now. My mom treated me like a turd from like age 10, 'till I left home. I got all my nurturing from her. I spent alot of time with her growing up. She was my love, strength and guiding light.

Other than my Aunt and cousin that lived with her when she died, I was the only one out of six surviving children and 10 grandchildren that ever spent any kind of time with her.

When she died, I went off to be alone for awhile and cried some. After that I was fine. I saw everyone who didn't spend time with her crying their eyes out, because it was too late. I had no reason to cry. I knew that she loved me, that she was in heaven and watching over me. I told just that to the relatives that lived near by and knew I was very close with her, when they asked me if I was sure I was ok, because I was the only one not crying.

Her spirit still protects me. She knows I have not forgotten. I am the only one out of the family that can bother to go take care of her grave for Memorial Day.

It's sad with other family near by, that no one has a thought for her now that she's gone. She made so many sacrifices for her children and grandchildren. I seem to be the only one that rememebers. I always cry when I do this every year. Not because she's gone. She's always with me. I cry that for all the people she loved, only one remembers.

I don't know if my story helps or not. It's not the easiest thing to share. I hope, if nothing else, that from it you know she'll be in a better place and watching over you. I hope you can find strength in knowing that.

Answer 2

It is very tough when you losing or lose someone you are close to. It is okay to cry. You'll find that you don't think as clearly during this time. Give yourself a break. Don't expect too much from yourself at this time. It takes quite a while to feel okay. Sometimes you really can't tell if you are doing better except if you compare it to an earlier period in your grieving like, 2 months, 4 months, 6 months or a year before. Then it seems more obvious. There are grief groups in most communities and these are helpful because it is okay to talk and cry about what you are going through and your feelings about losing this person. You also learn a lot and find out your feelings are very normal. You also hear how people who are futher along than you are coping which may help you. Good luck.

Answer 3

MML I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother .
This is completely anecdotal but this I what have learned about death in my 54 years of life
Just as everybody dies differently everybody grieves differently,There really is no right way to grieve and the only wrong way to grieve is in a way that upsets others who are grieving.
i have read some of your other Q's and A's and I realize that you sometimes unrealistic
expectations of how you should behave in a given situation. Athough death may be common and complete unavoidable it is never ever easy , Granted some deaths are easier to handle then others but none of them are easy and you shoudn't buy into the fallacy of what you should beable to easoly handle and what you shouldn't
It's OK to cry ,It's OK to have difficulty functioning .It's OK to do a mea -culpa and tell other mourners "Help I don't know how to do this "
You're 25 ,you're not expected to know all the ins and outs of grieving and the death and dying aspects of life
The point being that everybody does it differently according to who they are.Be true to yourself ;it will work out in the end
I for instance keep myself really busy.I'll do all the cooking ,I'll pick up people at the airport,I try to make peoples lives easier because it's good for them and it'sreally good for me to do it.
I don't cry in public -some people do and that's fine
If you need to talk about this some more I am listed
Good luck

Answer 4

Remember that the times you had with your grandmother are very dear and very special to both of you and that is what you have given her. Also it's her time, she wants to go home spiritually and she also planned it that way. Most people don't understand that we are here for our own lessons in life and once we learn them, we go home. Your guilt isn't going to get you anywhere and the best thing for you to do is call her. Even if she can't speak,she will have the phone to her ear and hear your voice. That is all she needs and that is all you need to know (that she can hear) even if she can not acknowledge the fact. Please don't let yourself become so depressed that you lose your focus on life. I'm sure she wouldn't want to be responsible for that. Live your life,and try to include any lessons that she has taught you. She is always going to be by your side when she is gone, the little voice that says think twice about any situation, if you all of a sudden make a decision on something (that's her). The little things, details we don't fully understand,they do.

I'm not a nut case so please don't let people tell you that. I'm just a spiritual person who has experienced something in life when both my parents passed away. (I saw my mom's spirit lift upward and my dad's body was just a carcass. I'm not trying to be rude or scare you or anyone, just telling you what has happened to me personally.

Answer 5

The first experience of death of a close relative is rough. You will cry more than you have at other funerals, and you'll feel not only sad, but angry that they are gone. You may even find yourself angry with god for taking them away from you. It's perfectly normal, and ok for you to feel these things,so don't try to bottle it up inside to "be strong". You need to let it out, as I believe it's the first step in the healing process. For me, the time that you get the news until the day of the funeral is the worst part, because for those days they are already rough, yet you know you still have the actual funeral staring at you later in the week. After the actual funeral is over though, I personaly feel a sense of closure, and come to terms with the fact that they are in a better place, and they are no longer in pain. Hold on to something said at the funeral by the preacher, or a family member that makes you recall a memory of a good time you two shared, and play that back in your mind if you start to feel sad again after the funeral. Your other family members who are as close to your grandmother as you are will be there for you, and you for them, as you lean on each other. Just try to find that moment of closure after the funeral, where you can accept it, and find the strength to carry on and make your grandmother proud.

Answer 6

Hello. For firsts, I am very sorry about your grandmother. I have been through the deaths of both of my grandmothers in the last 4 years.
Do you have any siblings? If so, call them and get some support. There is always somebody feeling the same way you are. Go to the movies or watch one at home. Talk to your friends. Go out to dinner. Go on a trip. Go to the zoo, or whatever may make you feel better. Call your grandmother and tell her you love her, and yes I know it will be very hard, but it is OKAY to cry. It's unhealthy and bad to hold stuff in.
Again, I am VERY sorry about your grandmother.

Answer 7

Connect to Love and Peace 360. He has an in depth article on Death and NDE and the life after death. Very good. I have gone through the deaths of almost everyone close to me, and am still experiencing the after shocks....His article will give you some peace of mind and you need to ask God to help you. He will and believe me I thought once I'd really lose it and broke down in tears and told God I can't handle this and I prayed for his peace which passes all understanding. I was so surprised when my mom died (she had cancer) the peace of the situation. Did I and do I miss her, you better believe it, but in the midst of a very bad situation I was able to see it through. If you trust God.....and he's bringing you to this in your life he will take you through it. It is a time to walk in his presence and grow in your faith. Again, I can not stress enough read the article...and may God Bless you and your family.

Answer 8

Another thing is that I lack a support system to get me through hard times. Whenever I experience a let down of some sort, I suffer alone. I don't know what to do right now! Please offer me some advice on grieving and dealing with this situation
=================

if you need support,..try reaching out to people.
otherwise buck up and take it.
I lost my father to suicide when I was 19 years old and no one bothered trying to help ME get through it.
I'm now in my mid 50's and STILL not over it.
life is sometimes cruel. nothing you can do about it.
best you can do is find your own path to healing....

if you find you can't handle it..there is no shame in reaching out to people...in any manner you can.

best wishes

Answer 9

I understand you completely. But what you really don't need is to put any guilt on yourself. Your grandma knows you love her, no matter how much time you spent with her.

I'm sure you have a friend or a realitve of some sort that you could talk to. You only need one person that really loves you and understands.

And remember, since she's been sick for a long time now, maybe it is good that she wont be suffering anymore.

Answer 10

It is hard to lose someone who you love and harder if you live so far away from them.
There are grieving counslers that may help you. Look them up in the phone book or on the web.
Also a pastor of a church may be able to help you.
United way agencies or your health insurance may have something like the greiving counslers that you can go to that will give you help in dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Call and ask about it.
I also offer my sympathy and pray that you find the help and comfort you need.