is i wrong of her to do this?

Question

My girlfriend often makes rude comments about my family becasue we buy new cars and nice thing all the time because we are finacially secure. She says these things because her family is kinda poor and cant afford the things we buy. I never brag about the new things we get or point them out, but she notices them. I do not think my family should have to change our lifestyle for her. I love to buy cloths even though i am a guy and im not afraid to buy a 40 shirt or a 60 pair of jeans i work for my money and should be able to buy what i want right? i spend plenty on her as well so she shouldnt feel left out at all. Has anyone been through a similar situation, and she also believe that i sould be responsible fro picking her up on dates every time, she lives 16 miles away. but im practical and its stupid for me to make two trips when she can make one, am i right? its not about the money, but its the principle behind it, whats everyones opinion?

sorry i failed to mention i pay her gas when she does drive in

Answer 1

Not very gracious of her, perhaps, especially comments about your family, but maybe understandable considering her family circumstances. Of course, you can spend what you like on yourself, as you see fit. As far as dates....YES, you should be responsible for picking her up and getting her safely home. She is your girlfriend, right? Well, that goes with the territory. You're right, it's not about the money. And good manners say you should do the picking up. Makes you look a little petty, not to. That's my opinion. You did ask for opinions, didn't you?

Answer 2

If she's that "obsessed" with money than that's her problem and NOT yours.. If you make a good living and can afford the lifestyle you want than do so. If she notices that your family has nice things fine ! If she constantly complains about it, then you need to have a talk with her about how it makes you feel when she "comments" it's really NOT her business. As for dates.. Split it up a bit.. Or meet somewhere in between. If you've been dating for awhile then she should be able to find your place and vice versea. Especially, if you're picking up the tab on the gas anyway ! If gas is a problem get her a prepaid gas card. Good luck

Answer 3

OK yes it is rude of her to make comments about your family, I have been down that road of being in a relationship with someone who has alot more money then I do, The question I have is Does your family make comments about her family and how she was raised? As far as should she drive sometimes ABSOLUTELY there is no need for this to be a one way relationship. What you spend on yourself is your choice as long as you do it with tact and respect.

Answer 4

I think there are bigger issues here than the money.

The fact that you're unwilling to drive 16 miles (that's what, 20 minutes?) to pick her up is pretty telling about your commitment to her and your relationship.

Should you drive 100% of the time? No. But 90% of the time? Yes. Why? Because obviously you are in a position to be able to afford gas when its $3.50 a gallon. That's not something that everyone can do. If you'd like to see this woman more than once a month, then you go get her because you CAN and because its the polite thing to do.

Secondly do you think that there's anyway your feels inferior to your family and that's why she's trying to make comments about your financial status?

My mother has a HUGE inferiority complex when it comes to money. She's always worried others have more than her and look down on her because of it.

And because she feels bad for not having $$, she tends to make mean comments to cover up for that fact.

To me, it sounds like this is what this young lady is doing.

She feels bad that she doesn't have the same financial security that you do.

Jealous? Perhaps. It must be nice to not have to worry about how your next bills will be paid, where your next rent payment is coming from, etc.

You should not feel BAD about having financial security.

But you should be sure you don't shove it in her face.

Perhaps because her family is 'poor' she cannot afford $40 shirts or $60 jeans. Perhaps she feels inferior to you when you dress nicely and she's still barely able to shop at Target. (I'm a Target girl! No offense meant! lol)

Maybe she's worried about how SHE looks and how YOU look at her and judge her and how your family judges her... and the only way to make her feel better about herself is to make your family seem worse in her eyes.

It seems like backwards logic, but many people who aren't confident in themselves, have this problem. In order to feel better about themselves, they make others look worse!!


I think that you have a few options.

--Dump her and date someone you won't have to worry about this issue with.

This is not the best option. Its going to confirm her feelings that you don't like her b/c she's poor. And its going to let you run away from something that should be fixed.

-- Next time she makes a comment, be HONEST with her. "You know, when you say things like that, it really hurts my feelings. I don't really understand why you need to comment on mom's new car." (etc)
She will either be quiet, or make a comment back and your reply is "I like you for YOU, not for what you have or don't have. I want to be with you as a person, not because of where you live or what you drive and I know that's why you and I got together initially. Can we just not comment on the things my family has or your family has and just enjoy our time together?"

This takes your family and their money out of the equation. Be careful- if you mention money specifically, you'll start a fight. Be sure not to offend her.

As far as picking her up-- just go get her. Gas is pricey. You can afford it. She can't.

If driving is that much of a problem, you don't care enough about her to be with her anyway.

Answer 5

well.. i believe that in a relationship.. things should be equal.. efforts should also be equal.. u shouldnt have to always make the drive down there to see her.. she should WANT to come drive and see you.. i also wouldnt feel right with my bf paying for my gas whenever i went to see him.. its nice on occasion.. but then again i would do the same for him.. relationships are all about give and take. its also about accepting eachother for who they are.. agreeing to disagree... if she has a problem with how u live ur life.. and is trying to make u someone u arnt.. then she is not right for u.. no matter how much u care about her..

Answer 6

you know one of the immortal Four Agreements is NEVER TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. because when people react or respond the way they do, its not you, its them acting from their own reality or dream. so detatching yourself from being bothered by what your girlfriend thinks or even says might help you to stop frustrating your own happiness.:)

oh and i dont think you should feel bad about being more fortunate than some. i myself am not rich but i dont hate on those who are. only those who flaunt it. and if you dont do that then you're a pretty cool boyfriend. although i swear by my "communication is everything in a relationship" philosophy. talk to her about it. she'll come out with whats up her nose. and it will give her a chance to realise that what she does hurts you

Answer 7

For her it's about the money, not the principal. If you have the money then what's so wrong about picking up the tab on dates? If she can't afford it herself that would just stress her out, the same goes for making an extra trip. Gas costs money.

If it's that big of an issue for her then it may be time to move on. It sounds like she may be dating out of her league. That's nothing about money, people marry up all the time. It's about having the class to deal with it.

Answer 8

I think that is just one side of the story. I would love to here her side too! Sorry, that is just what I think! I don't see why 16 miles should be such a BIG thing for you if you cared for this girl! Some reason I just think $ probably get shoved in her face! Just my gut feeling!

Answer 9

These problems are born out of attitude and often surface in a resentful way when the other party is jealous of your ability to provide. I would seriously suggest you tread carefully here as this type of attitude is usually deeply ingrained and usually becomes worse with time. It's probable better that you sit her down and explain that you are not interested in comparisons as it is something gendered by insecurity and that if she feels insecure with you, perhaps it's better you both have a parting of the ways. I have known people of like nature and believe me, their attitude becomes more destructive with time as it is a type of sickness. Just tread carefully!

Answer 10

she's displacing her emotions on you. shes envious of how your family is successful but its not your fault. its something she has to get over on her own, its not right for her to make you feel bad just because she feels bad about her own families situation. as for the driving thing, does she have a car? if not then i guess it is reasonable for you to go get her but if she doesnt then yesm she is being a bit unreasonable and she should make that trip a little more often. i think she just needs to take a step back and look at all the things you do for her and realize how good she has it.