Help with violent relationship?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and when we get on it's great. We live together and he looks after me eg cooks meals for us, takes me to work and is supportive when I'm down etc. However, every now and then we have these blazing rows where we end up fighting really bad (we've both had cuts and bruises.) And we both say the most hurtful things. He says I need help for my temper but I know he does too. I love him to bits but hate him at the same time when I think about past events between us.
I'm getting help for depression and panic attacks and these fights don't help. He actually holds me down on the floor sometimes in these rows. How can we stop this? Is anyone else in a situation where they have these rows or resent their partner for some reason? Please help, I can't stop feeling bitter and angry with him, even if we are getting on. I do want this to work because we used to have so many good times before these fights and it's breaking my heart.

Thanks everyone but I do want to sort this where we can stay together. I'm no angel and I have hurt him too. Drink is usually a big part in the violence x

Answer 1

Hi Laura,

I think that both you and your boyfriend are under a lot of stress at the moment. You are going through a very difficult time with depression and he is really struggling to help you - he is trying which is good, but he is running out of energy and willpower. My husband and I have been through the same thing. It can be extremely stressful for a partner to have to cope with your depression, and when you are down you can't give him any support, which makes things even harder for him.

I can understand why you get into situations where you both do and say hurtful things to each other - you're both expressing your frustration with the situation. When you say something to him about his porn habit, you are having a go at him, so if he retaliates by saying something mean to you, it's because you've started a fight with him. If you want these fights to stop then you need to take an non-aggressive stance, he is your partner because he loves you - he doesn't want to fight either. So you need to take responsibility for your actions, don't expect to be able to to lash out at him and not get aggression back.

I have also noticed that your questions about fighting seem to be posted on Sundays, so I'm assuming that you are both drinking on weekend nights. Whether you are going out or staying at home, you need to take responsibility for your drinking. Yes, he might have a drinking issue too, but you can't make him change his ways - all you can do is change your ways and hope that is a good example for him. Maybe when he starts drinking you should stop - so at least one of you is sober.

I have been in this very same situation - where I am struggling with my life and my partner is trying to be supportive but I am initiating fights with him because of what I see as his role in my misery. Some part of me did blame my husband for the fact I couldn't cope and he wasn't able to make me better. I got better in the end, mostly due to time passing and me adjusting to my life. Medication and counselling also helped. My relationship with my partner is much better than it was then and he understands me alot better. We both know what things trigger off bad feelings between us so we try to be as open and honest in communication with each other as possible, and explain and apologise quickly if any misunderstandings occur.

I think that as long as you are doing your best to improve your situation - dealing with your depression and getting as much help as possible, then you will pull out of this bad patch with your boyfriend. But you have to go easier on him - I think he's highly stressed. Don't expect him to be able to make your life better - only you can do that. But please, cut out the alcohol, it's making a stressful situation dangerous.

Good luck, Peta xxx

Answer 2

First off you both need to enter an AA program. Stop the drinking. Then you need to do some work on yourself. I suggest reading the book the Dance of Anger, also Women Who Love Too Much. The first book will explain anger and how it affects us and how to difuse situations as you describe. The second explains why we love the men who can be abusive and our reactions to them. Another good book is called Toxic Relationships and it explains the different relationships that can be harmful to each other.

You say you'd like to stay together, I would classify this as being either addicted to your man or codependent. There are other good books on these subjects. I've read quite a few since I've been in your shoes and it always ended with one of us leaving. There is no way to actually make things better unless you both agree to work on it and go through some kind of therapy. Once you start feeling bitter and angry the next step is wishing he would go away or you had the nerve to move on yourself. It's not a pretty picture but sometimes necessary to heal. So far I see you are the one who is asking for help. How does he feel about this?

Answer 3

Being in an abusive relationship is probably the worst thing you can do for yourself. I understand that you have love for this person, but the dangers far outweigh the benefits. You need to either get help or get out now, not just for yourself, but for him too. The fact that your anger (meaning both of you) has been taken to a physical level means that the violence is escallating. The best advice I could give you is this. If your best girlfriend was in the same situation what would you tell her? I've been in your shoes, and I tried to make it work. I believed that I could change this person, the truth was, I didn't. I nearly lost my own life in the process. So if you're asking the question, you already know the answer. You know it's time to let go of this relationship. Perhaps after time and after you BOTH seek help it may come back together. In the meantime, you need to focus on yourself and getting better. The bad times are adding to the problems you already face, they aren't going to make things any better, it can only get worse. Good Luck.

Answer 4

You have three choices...and none of them are easy.

First, you have the option of doing what pretty much everybody on this thread is telling you to do and get the heck out of what is an abusive relationship - because if abuse happens at **any** time, it's an abusive relationship.

Next you have the choice of seeking relationship counseling. Ideally, this would involve both you and your boyfriend, and keep in mind that if you do decide to do this, it's no guarantee that the relationship will survive - sometimes the underlying causes of these situations are too severe for that.

Finally, you can continue as you are, deluding yourself that it's a great relationship punctuated by the occasional fight. Sadly, however, this isn't going to work over the long haul. At best, you're in an antagonistic and periodically violent relationship; at worst, you're a statistic waiting to happen.

So if you're sincere in your desire to improve your situation, I suggest discussing relationship counseling with your boyfriend. If he is unwilling to attend, you really need to move on with your life....without him. It'll take the both of you to improve this, and no amount of trying or work on your part can do that by itself; so you're either both in, or you get out.

It's hard, but (sadly) it's necessary.

Answer 5

To start, you need to stop drinking, completely.

If you are both being violent, you can both speak about it. It is probably hurting him as much as it is you. You need some counselling (and him too) to find out which buttons you are pushing which makes you both so angry.

In the meantime, try staying sitting when you are arguing or you feel a heated debate coming on, it halps keep the calm. Learn to walk away from the argument... once it starts getting even to verbal violence, NO-ONE is going to win, so it is best to just walk out of the apartment (and not into a bar) until you both calm down.

Answer 6

OK several factors here are, he needs to admit he has a drinking issue, you both need to admit you have anger issues. The two do not mix. Sometimes to get better you need to be apart. If it is meant to be then it will be.
I am not saying split for good, but right now you should not be together.( OMG I sound like Jeremy Kyle).
Maybe he feels he has to hold you down in order to stop you doing him or yourself harm You are not very descriptive here.
We all say hurtful things most of them can be taken back, sometimes however there are certain things you say that just cant be taken back.
You both need to address your issues separately then come back together again if its what you BOTH want and go to a relationship councillor. Drink, and anger are a bad mix Hun. I am female and have anger issues. I am getting therapy for mine. I dont drink but the anger itself is very destructive. You are both at fault here and laying the blame on just one of you is not helpful. Both recognize your faults and take steps to put them right.

Answer 7

Lol if i knew you greater valuable i could coach him a lesson approximately a thank you to handle women persons. All adult adult males who're violent with women persons elect a damn reliable beating themselves. i individually think of you may walk removed from this the very next time he's violent. in case you have any brothers or male buddies i could tell them too - this guy desires telling. desire all is going ok for you.

Answer 8

You may love him but this relationship is very harmful. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! I was abused and loved who i was with but it got worse and worse and i feared my life. You need to just leasve this unhealthy relationship. You need to work on yourself before you gett into another one. Sounds like you have a lot of issues that you can get help with. Take caqer of yourself before being with anyone. That way you are not hurting him. Make sure you get with some one that will not abuse you.

Answer 9

This is not going to get better and has the potential for getting very dangerous. Get out now and look at how you are attracting people who are violent. Look also at your violent behavior.

Answer 10

Girl, I fully understand what you are going through as I'm going through the same, if not worst situation that you are going through. I have been with my boyfriend for six years now. You would think that after six years, he would atleast propose but no. We've been living together for about two years now and it's been pure hell. We have our good weeks like you say, but when we have our bad days, they are REALLY bad! I work and pay most of the bills because he doesn't cooperate with the bills, only gives me what he feels like giving me. He goes out with his friends two three times a week. I can't remember the last time we went out... To top it off, he breaks the things I work hard to obtain. This past month, he's broken my laptop and my Sidekick. A few months ago, he broke my cellphone. And I'm not materialistic, but I worked hard to obtain these things. I have filed two police reports already due to domestic violence. About two weeks ago, we got into our first fist fight. Nothing hurts more than to have the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with smack you or punch you in the ear. The best one is spray you in the face with water like you were an animal... He leaves, comes back, and the next day, the kitchen is clean and he makes dinner. We talk about how this can't happen again, and two weeks later (last night), we are once again shoving and hitting each other. I have come to the realization that my only option is to leave. Leave what I worked hard to obtain, worked hard to maintain, but can't create on my own. My biggest fear is that tomorrow I'll wake up and forgive him once again. Our fights are escalating and I fear that the next time I'm going to end up in a hospital or in jail for doing something stupid. Whenever I try to kick him out, he cries, promises me he won't hit me again, but it happens and I stay. I stay because I love him, because I know if I leave him he's not going to be well off. He's never been on his own. Did I mention he is 29?? Those good times that you are speaking about, I don't enjoy them anymore because it's like the calm before the storm. I wish you the best of luck in making the right decision for your own good. If you find the answer to your question, please let me in on it, because I, like you, am suffering from a broken heart. We can deal with a broken heart, but a broken arm, broken ribs, broken skull?? I don't think we should take that risk, do you?