How should I deal with this situation? I just don't know what God wants from me.?

Question

In summer 2006, when I was 12, I went on a mission trip with my youth group. We went to Mexico and built houses for the people. There were about 6 other churches there, and I met a boy my age from a different church. We became good friends. Two days later, we had a little heart to heart talk. He told me that he comes from an abusive family in a little town with tons of crime and drugs. I was so shocked. There was nothing in his sunny, friendly demeanor consistent with what he told me, but I believed it. I almost cried when he said, "I don't want to go home. I have no friends there. Why would God show me what love is if he's only going to let me experience it for 10 days?"

He reminded me so much of a girl who was in my PE class in 6th grade, and still goes to my middle school. She's always bullying kids from the nearby elementary school and vandalizing and shoplifting, but her parents don't even care about her. I wondered how different she would be if people gave her a second chance.

I felt guilty because I hadn't always been nice to that girl when she was mean to me. God kept telling me that she would be different if only someone reached out to her in the right way. So last year in 7th grade, I tried by inviting her to sit with my friends during lunch. She usually sits alone and was happy to accept it, so it went on all year.

8th grade has just started. She still sits with us and she seems to be a much happier person. Her grades are coming up and she doesn't get in trouble as much anymore. She also doesn't give me dirty looks when I pray before eating.

But there's one thing: Now she's expecting me to do her homework and buy her lunch every day. I have no problem helping her with it or buying her lunch once or twice. But I can't do it for her, because that's cheating. I think she's asking too much.

How can I say no without making her suspicious of my motives? God is working miracles in her life, and I don't want to be the one who turns her away again.

When she used to shoplift and vandalize, she got caught 90% of the time. She still brags about doing those things, but I have noticed that she hasn't been suspended all year, so something tells me it's a bluff. I think it's a cry for help. She's so insecure and not used to having friends, I think she wants to see just how far she can go before we give up on her.

If I flat out say no to her face, I might undo what God has already been working in her life. I thought maybe I could just help her with the homework concepts, and maybe buy her lunch once a week. I might also be able to talk heart to heart with her by ourselves the next time she brags about getting in trouble.

Answer 1

There are several things you should do
1) Pray and ask God for wisdom. He will give it to you without criticism. You NEED His wisdom.
2) Talk the situations over with your parents and youth pastor (both the girl in your grade and the boy at camp). You may find it hard to believe but we oldies of the previous generation have some wisdom (especially when we ask God for it) and some experience with these sorts of problems.
3) You could tell the girl that the only way she will learn is by doing the homework herself. Also, when she doesn't do it it will be apparent to the teacher when she does exams and can't do what she "was doing" in her home work.

I commend you for showing this girl the love of Jesus, she won't see it anywhere unless she sees it in us.

remember to keep praying for wisdom and pray for this girl's salvation. Keep showing her God's love .

Answer 2

Perhaps you could continue to buy her lunch and help with her homework (to the limit of what you can afford in money and time). As you do it explain that you think she should be doing these things for herself but will continue to help her when you can,because she has asked and you care as a friend. When the limit comes you could explain you cant afford to buy her lunch today, but offer her half of your lunch. If she asks for help with her homework follow a similar line. You are very kind and will leave a memory in her heart of a better way than the one she has experienced at home - even if she does turn away the memory will be there for her to reflect on as she gets older, and it may well bear fruit later.

Answer 3

I think you're right that she'll see how far she can go with you - either until you give up or to see what she can get from you.

Either way, I think the best thing to do is to state your terms to her very plainly, and point out that you will do this much and no more, because doing more for her is not good for her and you really care about her. You don't want to handicap her, and you believe she's capable of doing things herself. She may pout a bit but I think at this age she may be able to comprehend and won't turn away from you entirely.

In fact I think she'd respect you more for drawing a boundary and sticking to it. Bullies do not respect victims.