i just found out my father is cheating on my mother?

Question

i found totally accidentaly a message on my father's old mobile phone from a lady that WE know!The message said "I miss u.When can I see u again" but I couldn't read further more and I still don't want to.she has a family with 2 children in my age and they have been family friends for 16 years.we go on vacation together and stuff.i am really shocked.i am shaking right now.i found it yesterday and I couldn't sleep all night.I've been having terrible stomache aches and I cry all the time.what should I do??I know my mother loves my father and I know he loves her too,but I can't understand why he would do that.He is a rolemodel for a father.I can't believe it.What should I do?I don't wanna destroy my family(i have one older brother,too) but I can't stand that woman lying in my mother's face.I am shocked...I am crying right now...please help me...i love my family...My father treats us all very very well...please help me./...

Answer 1

Kalli: You poor sweet child. I feel really sorry for you. This very thing happened to my sisters and I, though we were younger than you. Like you, we were clueless because our first concern was that we did not want our family to break up. Also, we did not know what to do. Looking back, I am not sure we would have done any better.

Since I do not know your mother and father, I can only give you some general advice.

1. If your father is normally a nice, loving father and you have always had a good relationship with him, then you can try confronting him. Be sure you tell him that you love both he and your mother and that you want both of them to stay together. If you think your father might become violent or lie to you, then try moving on to answer 2.

2. Get professional help from a counselor (even a school counselor - who might also talk with your father), minister, priest or anyone else with those capabilities that you feel you can trust. It is best if these individuals know your father and your mother. It would be really great if they knew all three people involved. If you are unable to use this possibility, try answer 3.

3. If your father is okay, but seems to be in the process of being nasty to your mom through this relationship, you might report accurately to your mother what you heard.

Regardless of what you do, there is a risk that your family will break up (mine did). But whatever you do, you have to remember that you are exposing a lie and breaking up of the family is all on your father and this other woman. Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty.

I did feel guilty after the fact, but I felt guilty because I did not tell my father sooner (yes, it was my mother fooling around with another man). My father and mother divorced because my mother would not stop fooling around. That was her choice and I will never feel guilty for exposing her as the lying sleazebag that she continues to be. Sorry, I guess I am still a little bitter that she caused our family to break up.

Whatever you do sweetie, remember that this is not your doing. But to take all this angst on yourself if not fair to you either. It will affect your school work, your mental health and your brother.

Answer 2

You didn't read the entire message - and you really should read the entire message. THat may help you to figure out if you took the message out of context.

Also, this was an old cell phone. It may be that he had a fling with her that lasted a week and then he couldn't live with it and so he got rid of her. You don't know all the circumstances.

IT is possible that your mom knew about the affair and that your mom and dad worked through it already and that everything is fine.

It is also possible that your mom and dad have an "open" marriage.

Also, this could have been a message she texted your father by accident - meaning for it to have gone to her husband. This sometimes happens too!

Also, she could have had a crush on your father and was trying to break him and your mother up, so she texted him this message that made it look like he was cheating when he wasn't.

There are so many possibilities.

If I were you, I would keep this old message to myself and understand that I am NOT sure what happened or if anything happened.

Your goal is not to destroy your family - so I wouldn't say anything. Look at it this way: if you say something to your dad he will just deny it. If you say something to your mom, she will probably not believe you and your dad will STILL deny it. IF you say anything you will just create a bunch of drama and people will end up punishing you for "snooping".

IF he loves your mom and your mom loves him - then just let it be. You don't know the circumstances and if your father is so great then you NEED to give him the benefit of the doubt and move on with your life NOT thinking he cheated but that there is some other explanation.

Oh - and I DID tell my dad that my mom was cheating. I didn't tell my dad when I saw my mom on Yahoo Personals. I didn't tell my dad when she showed other signs of cheating. I DID tell my dad when SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND. Do you see the difference? I didn't tell my dad until I KNEW for certain that my mom was cheating. Again, you don't know anything for certain - so why worry your mom unnecessarily and why break up the entire family on an "uncertainty".

There's something you don't know about marriage yet (until you are married). There is a deep trust between a husband and a wife. The marriage is BASED on is trust. Once it appears that trust is broken - the marriage is almost always unretrieveably broken up. DO you get it? If you put suspicions in your mom's head - that's it - they will probably break up - even if you are WRONG about your suspicions. So, you shouldn't say anything to her unless you are 100% positive you know that your dad is cheating on her. And if this was a past affair that is over now - then it is not worth mentioning it to your mom at all because they are happy together now - the affair is over - and you telling her will immediately stop the marital bliss that they have now.

People screw up, it's possible your dad screwed up for a week in his marriage - don't sacrifice 20 years of marriage for a screw up that happened a long time ago.

Answer 3

I would confront your Dad about this. He deserves to at least be paranoid that you know something is up. Your Mom certainly doesn't deserve a friend like her. I would leave the message sometwhere where your mom can find it, and let her decide how to handle it. Best case scenario, she will oust the "friend" and seek counceling with your father. If you were in your moms shoes, would you want to know? Either way, if Mom finds it, you won't have to be directly responsible for the outcome. Relationship break down is Never the childs fault. Mabey you could even talk with your brother for his take. Good Luck, you are in a tough position. But there isn't really a good marriage if your father is straying with the family friend. Think of her poor husband and kids. They don't deserve the betrayal either.

Answer 4

Hello Kalli. Since your parents love each other, you and your brother are in stable home. But stability need to be upheld. All members of the family must contribute to uphold that stability. Since you accidentally come across something that may undermine your home stability, I like to suggest you (& your brother) initiate something:
1) suggest family outing, just the four of you, and make sure that your parents are always together and do things together throughout that outing.
2) Get books/ film about family life and discuss the contents with your parents. If asked why you bring such discussion, you reason should be " Upholding/ Preparation for stable family". You might make it as yor school project.
Just a general comment: never ever hint you even suspect anything wrong (like what you have indicated).
If you are a Christian, pray for wisdom and guidance.
Frm Uncle Dinsel.

Answer 5

Tell your dad you know

I think, but not sure i found a text on dads phone before
when i was about to use it to text someone
it was because he didnt clear his message
i kinda forgot what it said cause it was ages ago
i was probably like 11

it;s dead blurry when i think back to it and im not sure
it still messes with my head today

if you want confront the woman who it is

i would now if it happened

i'd probably be so angry with her
and it will make her realise what shes doing wrong

tell your dad you know too
and dont let him blackmail or bribe you
be strong and be there for your mum
if you find anything else i think you should tell your mum
she'll find out soon enough and she'll be glad you told her in the end
give her proof though
get hold of your dads phone

don't worry
it'll be okay
x

Answer 6

Have you ever heard the saying,"Don't kill the messenger" ? Well you would be the messenger. This is your parents problem and I would stay out of it.When folks cheat it all comes out in the end and if you father is as wonderful as you say your parents can get pass this. I'm sure your father loves your mom and just needs a pick me up to make him feel young again. It happens sometimes in families but they get through it because of true love. Sit tight for awhile and see what happens before you upset the apple cart. I know it hard but try not to be upset I'm sure it will all be okey.

Answer 7

I think you need to tell your mom you suspicions.Times have changed.There are too many STD's out there right now.She needs to know if for nothing else than a health issue.Don't give up hope. It's always possible that they can work through this.Things will never be the same and you'll look at him in a different light.Just remember he's human and makes mistakes.That doesn't excuse his behavior it just puts some perspective on it.

Answer 8

Your father as a father is different than your father as a man in a relationship. Try to keep that separate and still love your father.

People can go through many, many phase in a relationship...as you will also in your relationships.

Still...it puts you in a sticky situation. Very sticky. Meet with your Father and tell him what and how you found out and try to figure out together what you should do. Many people keep things private for the sake of the family and childdren...it is too bad that you found out because I know that you are in a stressed situation.

take care

Answer 9

Its none of your business. While your dad may be a model father, he's just a man. Men do stupid things. Being self destructive is one of them. You don't have any business saying anything to him, and you should stay out of it. My guess is that your mother already knows.

However, if it was me, the very next time I was around that woman, I would take her aside and tell her that you know she is fooling around with your dad, and if she doesn't back out of your lives, you will go to her husband. Don't cry, don't beg and don't get angry. Be very much in control of yourself and matter of fact.

Answer 10

You can't remain with this information to yourself. It'll eat you up if you do nothing. Your going to either have to talk to him or your mom. Talking to him directly will allow him the opportunity to talk to your mother himself (which is how it should be) but if you don't think you can then you need to talk to your mom about your concerns. If you can I'd forward the message to your phone and hold it off as proof should you need it. Either way you go about it, your mom needs to know the situation and make her decisions based on the truth of the matter. She may stay with him or not but it's something she and your father have to figure out together honestly. Good luck.