How can I cope with my 23 year daughter's decisions?

Question

One of my daughters is 23 years old now and since she was a teenager she has marched to the beat of a different drummer. I have always tried to be there for her even if I disagreed inside with the decisions that she was making. (She wasn't into drugs.) But for her, happiness was always just around the next corner... with the next job... or the next boyfriend, or the next opportunity, etc. She has had quite a few of each of them. She has never been able to just be happy. She has been very up or very down. We've tried to get her to counseling, but she doesn't think she needs it. I have always tried to be supportive and positive and be a loving mom and a good example. Now she has broken all ties with her family and moved to a big unfamiliar city 300 miles away from us about two weeks ago - without telling us. We found out by looking at her myspace. She won't communicate with me. I fear that something bad is going to happen to her. My heart is breaking. What should I do?

One person suggested that I might be controlling. I'm the furthest from it. I just listen to her when she calls and try to help when she asks. I found out recently that she has taken up with her biological father lately (who was cruel and abusive to us when I was married to him when she was a baby and mostly out of the picture while she was growing up). Maybe this is why she's believing he's a nice guy now and rejecting me. She doesn't remember his abusiveness, and hopefully, he's changed. I don't know. It just makes me nervous for her sake. I will always be there for her and she knows it. I am letting her go though and not trying to contact her. I hope she'll realilze how much I love her and want her in my life as an adult daughter. I miss just going to the mall and out to lunch with her. I want her to find herself and what makes her happy instead of being so up and down all the time and unhappy. She is a good person and deserves to be happy.

Answer 1

OMG...this sounds just like my sis in law (she's 23 too..haha). Anyway, I do feel your pain being a mother myself...but I've also been a daughter, and I remember counteracting my parents beliefs too. My sis in law is bi-polar...according to her dr. Maybe your daughter has that also. I can tell you, from experience from my sis-in-law, that this will not last long (as you've already experienced, nothing for them lasts very long). But you must remain tough and even tho it will break your heart, you must let her go. Be there when she is willing to talk to you, but being pushy and nosy will only push her farther away. When she is ready, she will come back. Just remember SHE is the only one who can change her life pattern. All you can do is be there, support her and love her.

I'm sorry...I wish I knew more to help.

Answer 2

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I can tell you that there's not much you can do. What are you going to do? Demand she makes contact with you? I can identify with your daughter. I was the same way. I pulled my poor parents through some pretty rough times. It seems like you are a little controlling still. She's 23. She can do what she wants with her life. Just because she's inconsistent does not mean she's into trouble or in need of counselling. By saying that you have been a "good example" you give me the impression that you wanted something like your life for her. Is that true? You have to let her find her place and express herself how she sees fit. I regret putting my mom and dad through what I did, but I did find where I wanted to be. I'm now married with a little boy. Stable as can be. at least she keeps her myspace updated so you know where she is. She'll come around. :)

Answer 3

She is an adult so really there is nothing you can do. People dont change unless they really want to. You cant change her. She may have moved away because she might have been sick of people trying to tell her how to live. She needs to be independant and learn things on her own. All you can do is make sure she knows that you will be there for her anytime she needs. If she is ever in trouble that you will go all the way to see her because thats how much you care. I know that the pain of not knowing how she is may be pretty unbearable and she should really have the decency to sms you and let you know shes alright. Does she know that? Maybe you could ask her just to sms you at the least to let you know she's ok. Take my advice though, the more you try and mother her, the more she may break away. It seems to me she needs that space or wants that space to do things on her own without any assistance, she's not your little girl anymore, shes your freind, your daughter and an adult. Hope everything goes well.

Answer 4

I feel so sad for you, what a heart break! I would communicate with her in the best way you know how (Myspace?!) Send her letters and let her know you love her and that you are always there for her. Keep sending them even if she does not answer, I would bet that she is reading them. If you can get her physical address ask her if you can come visit in a couple of months, just because you miss her. I think in this situation the less pressure the better, just try and maintain constant communication so that if she needs you she knows that you are there for her. Good luck.

Answer 5

I feel for you, as a dad myself I would feel badly inside if one of mine were to do something like that. My children are all grown and like you a couple have beat a different drum then the rest or I. The only thing I was able to do was to let them know that I was always there, the door was open to them, and that they could still call upon me if they needed me. I made myself available but left their decisions up to them. At least you know she is safe, being with her father might be a good thing. It could be that she has wanted to know him for herself and her reason for leaving and possibly even some of her actions. I would say that since he's not in jail that he's probably doing ok for himself. I would guess that the two of them have probably been having some communication before she took off otherwise she wouldn't have known were to go. The only thing you could do would be to give her some space. Maybe giving your ex a call, let him know that you don't wish to bother or intrude on them but that you would just like him to let you know that she is ok and that you were concerned because of her leaving as she did. Leave it simple, don't get into any kind of argument with him even it he suggests something, only that you were concerned and if she's ok then thank you and if he would please keep you informed now and then. That would be about the only thing that could help ease your concern and wory right now that I could suggest.

Answer 6

She is a free spirit. All you can do is be there for her when she is done going through her "process".
She is young and hasn't figure out what it is she is looking for.
Truth is, she hasn't figured out that she is really seeking herself and ultimately, her personal connection to God. She will probably have to bounce around a few more years.
I can tell you from experience and observation, that she may not get it together until after she hits age 30.
There's a couple of things involved:
Most young people have to get kicked around for a few years before they look up and look within.
Then there is a phenomena called the "Saturn Return" in astrology that happens around age 28... a real fanny-kicker for most of us (think back about what you were going through from age 27-32).
If you have any doubts about that, try getting her chart done and interpreted by a professional astrologer for some insight.

Answer 7

While I sympathize & identify with your plight, the only advice I can offer is give the problem to God, & pray for her. Speaking from my own experience, I can say with assurance that the "prodigal child" will return. I was such a child & young adult. My parents didn't see a real change in their lifetimes, but I did come to my senses before my lifestyle destroyed me. I had to find what I consider to be the bottom for me, but because of my mother's (& sister's) prayers for me, I learned a valuable lesson that has stayed with me. I'm sure that I don't EVER want to get to that level again, & I live my life in a way that will insure that!

Answer 8

You have done the best you can to instil in your daughter the traits she will need to be successful. You have done your job.
Now, at her age, you must let her find her own way, much as it frightens you. That is what all parents have to do in the end.
If you have to, commubicate through Myspace. Be friendly, be casual, and try not to be too intense. The most important thing is to stay connected, but not too tightly. Yoy might tell her that you believe in her. She may need to hear that.

Answer 9

all you can do is have faith that the values you instilled in her help her get through this difficult time. some people have to break away in order to learn who they are. i did this at 15yrs. old, said i was visiting some friends out of state and didn't come back for 6mths. maybe she was afraid you would try to talk her out of leaving and didn't want to deal with being pulled in different directions. just try to keep the lines of communication open, don't demand anything as that will only cause her to further rebel, and give her time. eventually she will come to realize how important family is and come back because she wants to, not because she has to.

Answer 10

Just let her know you love her no matter what , and you will be there if she needs you . If you can do that through email or myspace then thats fine . Trust that you raised her to be her own person , and let her try her life. Hope that she finds some happiness.