How long should you mourn before you carry on with your every day routine?

Question

I'll try and keep this short :)

A very good friend of mine was only 27 and killed by a drink driver two weeks ago.

After this I started over eating, stopped going to the gym (I use to go 3 hours a day), stopped going out, stopped volunteering, stopped dating, stopped seeing my friends, stopped spending an hour getting dressed in the morning haha.

I'm not super religious, and if I continued with my normal routine I wouldn't hurt anyones feelings, his family and our mutual friends wouldn't even see me while I'm at these different venues.

I'm not even crying about it as much now. My question is everyone else from his sister to his mom seem to be doing fine and have already moved on like nothing has happened. I feel odd enjoying my life when he had to die so untimely and can't be here to enjoy life.

How do I get rid of the guilt? Or can anyone give me some words of wisdom besides " he would want you to go on" haha :)

Thanks
~Still Wearing Black

Answer 1

It literally took me about 8 months..to get thru the initial shock.

Answer 2

There is no "quota" on when you should mourn, or for how long. Everyone mourns their losses in different ways. If you are taking things a little "harder" than those around you or close to him, then that is just what you are doing...you don't need to explain or justify it.

I lost my father in February. He'd been ill with Alzheimers for about 5 years, and we were told that there would be complications that could lead to his death...at any time. He'd had a series of strokes in a few days time, and passed on 3 days after I admitted him to hospice. Even though I "knew"....I didn't know. His passing was very difficult for me, and I can sit here and tell you that I handled everything after his passing like a champ....chin up, smiling, etc. I came home from work one day about two months ago and broke the EFF down. I'd had a difficult day that day...but that bad day just happened to coincide with the day I was REALLY missing my father. I HAD to stay strong and keep my head up before that (a bazillion family issues...too many to go into.....someone had to be the "rock"), but that day right there was when I was able to let it out, let go....feel sad, feel weak, feel lost.....I'd been holding on to what I was REALLY feeling for a long time....but I was finally able to let it all go, on my terms, and when I was ready.

It's ok for you to feel the way that you do, and you should by no means feel guilty that you have feelings that you don't think other people have. You don't know what they go through....they may be crying in private....but they are mourning in their way.

I can tell you that your friend is somewhere smiling on you right now because you are missing them. He probably does want you to get over it and go on....he's in a better place, and he'll always be remembered. But, you have to take your time in getting to the point where you feel comfortable in how you mourn and not feeling guilty about how you do it.

Just remember him and live his legacy....I don't know that you can do, or should be expected to do, more than that.

I hope that helps. I'm very sorry for your loss....

Answer 3

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things anyone can go through. You constantly think "why him?". But life is unfair :/ There's no set time for how long you have to mourn. Some people never get over it. Some people hide their pain behind a smile. Some people except death for what it is and move on. Everyone is different. That doesn't mean you shouldn't live your life the best you can. Enjoy your life to it's greatest potential. It really goes by fast. Because your friend passed away doesn't mean you can't live for yourself. Just remember him and why he was important to you and the good times you had. Feel better xoxo

Answer 4

It's not the amount of time that matters... it's the way you deal with it after that certain amount of time where you just do nothing, mostly. My teacher's sister just died a few days ago, and she's only taking one week off, while also still checking our homework and stuff.. I know it's really hard .. but his family has definitely not gotten over this.. They say it takes a minute to find someone, an hour to get to know 'em, a day to love 'em, but your whole life to forget 'em. They're probably just trying to think of other things.. and sometimes when something like that happens, tears are replaced by silence.. and internal grief that deteriorates their heart while they seem fine on the outside. Just try to get back on track after maybe a week or so. If not, it's okay. Take your time. You'll eventually get over it, though you'll probably never forget it. Remember to have fun at the end of all this=]

Answer 5

i am so very sorry about your loss dear.

hmm. i think you are doing the perfectly normal thing after a death of a loved one. you got to take things day by day. slowly start going back to the gym, etc. when you feel comfortable.

you do not have to put a time limit on this healing process. his family is still probably as tore up as you are, maybe they are showing it in different ways. do what feels the best for you, if you are still sad, be sad. know that things will get better though. i know it may seem impossible right now, it always does. and even though you do not want to hear it, he would want you to happy and not lose your life just because he lost his.

good luck with everything, i truly hope that everything becomes easier with time =]

Answer 6

I sincerely doubt that the boy's mom & sister are "doing fine" after the loss of their son/brother. They have to put a good face on things to keep going, but it will be a very long time - if ever - they are o.k.

My sister was killed in a car accident at 16, which devastated our family. We had to keep functioning, life has to go on but there was never a time when we were fine. She is still missed, 40 years later. My brother passed away from cancer 5 years ago, and we had to get through that, too.

Survivor's guilt is very natural (I sure have had it), but your friend is not helped by your feeling that way. The best thing you can do for him is to get on with your life and keep good memories of him with you.

Answer 7

If you didn't have anything to do with his death, then you should not feel quilt, to the point that you are doing what you are doing. If it continues, you might want to go get some grief counseling. You need to stop dwelling on the loss, and remember all the good. A person will stay alive through remembering him. It helps to talk about him and what you liked, and it is okay to talk about his bad habits, because that's who he was. The more you talk, the more you heal. If people get tired of hearing you, then take out a paper and pencil and write, until you have worked your way through this ordeal.

Answer 8

My condolences and sympathies on the loss of your friend. As this occurred only two weeks ago, it is obviously still a shock, and grieving and mourning for a reasonable period of time is normal.

At some point, however, we all have to move on. The past cannot be changed. All we have is the future. Stay active in your regular routines and circle of friends. If it gets too bad, see your doctor for a referral to a counselor or a grief support group.

All the best.

Answer 9

It is perfectly normal, time is a good healer, but of course we do not forget. After all, how can we let ourselves downward spiral into such a state of depression that takes over our lives? The few who do, end up troubled. So naturally, time heals, we deal with the tragedy in our own minds daily, and of course, we are also very good at "blocking" feelings and emotions too.
I lost my Mom in 2002 to cancer. I no longer lie sobbing, gripping her jumpers just to smell her perfume. I no longer let it crumble my world as I did do for a long time.
However, My Mom is always with me in my heart, I always think about her, and yes of course, there are times when i do still have a good cry because of how much i love her and miss her.
My thoughts are with you thru this time of loss, and there will be a certain someone looking down on you too ;)

Have you tried visiting a spiritualist church where there are psychics who often have messages? alot of folk think it's crazy but went after losing my Mom and they told me some stuff only Mom and I ever knew about!

Answer 10

Mourning has no time period for many of us,We have to heal ourselves in due time.You really should at least start back some of the things you did to help occupy yourself from thinking about your friend.Volunteering your time is helpful as you are helping someone in need and they still need you.As time passes it will get a little more easier.As for the parents and family of the person that died,they are around a lot of people and this helps them cope of their pains.Please keep busy and make yourself do things before you get so depressed and will have to have medical help.Friends are the best to be around.

Answer 11

Each person grieves differently, I have lost many people in my life and at different stages of my life. The most difficult for me was my husband at the age of 24, I had 2 children age 4 and 2 so I had to live but I did as much damage to myself as I could. The next very difficult loss for me was 19 years later when I watched my mother die from cancer. Please don't think people have moved on, especially his mother, there is no greater loss then to lose your child. Have you tried talking to his mother? When you lose someone close you just want to talk to someone and she may be very happy to talk and listen to someone about her son. Remember, he's in a better place and if you live right you will see him again.