A friend behaved carelessly when staying in my apartment, how do I address the issue? Should I say anything?

Question

I was recently in hospital for three weeks, then spent several more weeks recovering at my parents’ house. While I was away I told a friend she could stay at my apartment.
When I moved back, I found: white towels dyed pink, things broken or missing, private files on my computers had been accessed, she had invited guests over that I didn’t know, the place smelled of cigarette smoke and things like food, soap, shampoo etc had been used up and not replaced. No offer was made to help with the cost of replacing everything, which was more than I could afford as I had to leave my job due to my illness. When I told her I was moving back, she told me it would be easier for her if I stayed with my parents for another week, which I thought extremely rude.
She was good to me while I was in hospital but now I’m out, I’ve heard almost nothing from her. It seems that now she isn’t getting anything from me (like a free place to stay), she doesn’t want to know me. How do I deal with this gracefully?

When I said she was good to me while I was in hospital, I meant that she visited me every other day, brought in clothes and toothpaste etc from my place. So she was a good friend then, I just can't help but feel that she only behaved that way because she was getting something from me.

In response to Dave, the arrangement was most definitely for her benefit, she was having problems with her flatmates and was uncomfortable at her own place. I had no need for a house-sitter as my place is quite small, and my parents would have been more than happy to bring things in from my apartment and collect my mail.

Answer 1

Assuming she didn't pay you any rent while she stayed at your place, I think you have a definite right to complain.

Ignore the consumables (food, shampoo, etc), and gather all the damaged or missing items. Show her the items or a list of them, and calmly but firmly let her know that since she damaged the items, you expect her to repair or replace them, within the next month if possible. Gently tell her that while you understand these items may not be important to her, it is important to you, and as your friend she should respect that.

If she refuses or gets offended, that's her problem. You can drop the subject, and the "friendship" - if she has no respect for your feelings then she isn't really your friend, she's a user who only gives when it's convenient to her.

Answer 2

that is horrible, this is suppost to be a person that you can trust. At the end of the day you know in the long run who you can trust and sho you cannot. I am surprised that she did all of this and left it so that it is blatently obvious you would find out. I personally find it discustiong that she wouldn't at least clean up or try to cover up the poor behaviour. If you confront her she is probably going to deny, esp. if she is the kind of person to did what she did. So blame it on someone else, the lamdlord, a relative etc. Meet her face to face, not over the phone look her straight in the eye and mention casually that you know what she was upo too, you could say that a neighbour complained and you got the blunt end of it for example. You could say you know I really got into trouble from the landlord for loud noise or a neighbour could have ratted her out and approached you after you got out saying that she had peoplke over and smelled smoke. If you say it in a matter of fact way, and act as if you know already, chances are she will be backed into a corner with know where to turn per say which will make it more difficult to lie or deny her way out of the situation. Better yet, mention that several neighbours comlianined giving you leverage because common sense would say that if several different neighbours have spoken to you and "seen the people leaving" etc. She will feel as though she is busted. Prior to the conversation, ask her to meet you for lunch, or coffe, then she will show up not suspecting that you are going to have this conversation with you. While you have her where you want her, casually mention about the products that were used up and ask if she would be able to purchase new products or help you replace them. After all she had the place to stay, trashed your place and had a fun party and good time at the expense of you while her ill friend was in the hospital. Worst case scenario, you lose her as a friend, what a loss? with friends like that, who needs enemies? For the time being, check out the local food banks for the nessecities, as well as personal hygenic things, you deserve it and that is why they are here to help. I am so sorry to hear about what happened you sound nice, and do not deserve to be treated this way. Also,Get well soon:-)

Answer 3

didn't you just get finished telling us she was lousy to you when you were in the hospital?? Took complete advantage of the situation and so forth.

chalk it up to experience and find a new friend. What more can I tell you. This crap about friendship is forever is nonsence.


You should ask her to pay for the many items she used up and/or replace them. Also let her know that you are completely
flabergasted that she showed absolutely no respect whatsoever for the fact that you were kind enough to let her stay rent free. How did she repay you...wrecked your place and used up all of your stuff. Worse, she didn't even make any attempt to apologize and say..oh christ..i did the laundry and ruined your white towels...can I replace them for you?? Or OH sorry, I accidentally broke such and such....I'm REALLY very sorry...I hope it was't valuable.......

Answer 4

Who benefited from the arrangement?

If the friend had their own apartment and was doing it as a favor to you, they had to display just a little of care for your stuff as them watching your stuff is a favor to you. You got all the benefit.

If the friend was out on the street and had no place to stay and you let them stay at your place, they had to display a lot of care as you are doing them a favor and they are your guest. They got all the benefit.

However, the way you phrased it, you both got benefit out of the arrangement. They got a place to stay and you got someone to watch your apartment. In that case they would not have to display any more care than if they were watching their own stuff. If your friend is a slob, you should not have expected any different being at your house.

The way you deal with it is to clean up the mess, chalk it up as a learning experience and not invite that friend to house sit again.

Answer 5

My guess is that your friendship is over. A friendship is reciprocal. She sounds like a needy person, and is treating you like a big sister. So my advice is this: spend some time cultivating other friendships, and when she calls say that you're busy, and don't make any plans to meet up with her.
She is also a 'sponge' and is sponging off you financially, and is not treating you respectfully at all. You are being used so that she can use the money she has saved for anything she likes, such as pink towel dye, tobacco, alcohol, etc.
Oh and get well soon. :)

Answer 6

I would tell ur friend that u didn't like it when ur stayed in ur apartment and behaved carelessly.If out this she doesn't give u an apolige or a reason for why she behaved the way she did i would reevaluate the friendship u have with her.Cause in my opinion it doesn't seem like she ever wanted to truly be ur friend.Sorry to say this but it sounds like she used u to get a free place to stay.This is not the type of behavior a true friend would have.

Answer 7

Hi, To me this sounds like she has had so much fun that she doesn't want you back.
I would have an around the table talk with your lists of problems.
Remember, This is YOUR apartment, and if your :Friend: cannot understand your concerns, then I am afraid to say, my friend, she is NOT your friend and people like that you DON'T need. A true friend respects other people's things.
I am sorry to say but I believe she has taken advantage of your good heart. You need to talk to her, but remember, you may lose her and if so, then it was not meant to be and you might have to mark it down as a big lesson. Been where you are now............

Answer 8

The friendship is over, in my opinion. She asked you to stay at your parents' place for another week??? How much of a freeloader can someone be? I wouldn't address it with her, but don't have anything to do with her, either. Count it as a lesson learned.

Just thought of something else...if she went into private files on your computer, the friendship is definitely over. You might want to take steps to protect your credit, and closely monitor your bank accounts, etc. if that info was on the computer.

Answer 9

Hi,
For one thing she would not be in my house again,if what you say is true.
A friend would not do such things.They
would treat it as they would their own.
I would inform her that the right thing to do
is help replace these things.If she says know
than I would tell her not to bother me again.
It sounds to me like your to Good for your own good.And she has taken advantage of
you because of your kindness,which she has taken for weakness.
That is how I would deal with it.Cut your loses while you are ahead of the game.
You could also take her to court.You might be able to get some of your money from her.
But I would defiantly keep her out of my life.

Answer 10

You can't, she took advantage of you and the situation and since she used up your stuff I would ask her to pay for the food at least. Free rent shouldn't include your food, Watch for some phone bills too.You have no reason to worry about grace in this matter, You could live without people like that.