I just received a letter in the mail from my husbands brother and his wife, they have been ttc for a couple of years and went through a couple of rounds of in vitro. Anyway, this letter was asking for donations to help them with their adoption, they are going through a local adoption agency, and just waiting for an answer.
I guess the reason why I am so offended is because we have three kids and live on one income and have never asked for help from anyone, and second, they both work, she gets, weekly pedicures and massages,and last year they took a trip to Amsterdam and Rome, so they were already going through the invitro and chose to spend their money on this trip, and now they want donations to pay for their baby?
Should I even respond to the letter, or just not mention it?
2007-10-30 10:10:51 · 25 answers · asked by Lucy 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adoption
My opinion is yes, it's inconsiderate for any adults to expect other adults to pay their expenses for anything. I'm sure you did not contact them to pay your hospital bill when any of your 3 children were born, and you have budgeted those expenses on one income. True, agencies and attorneys exploit those looking to adopt other people's children. Still, you need not feel obligated to play a part in that.
It looks like they are having problems creating budgets, setting priorities, and living within their means. I would not feel obligated to finance their adopted child for them. Don't feel bad about it either. If they really feel they need a child they will find a way to cut back their lifestyles, sell some of their assets, or go through a foster child program instead. I also question their ability to be able to afford a child if they cannot even afford the fees. So many people buy into the notion that adopted kids are so much better off when that's not necessarily the case.
If I were you, I would not feel a need to justify your decision to them. It's not likely they will question why you did not finance their adoption dream.
julie j
2007-10-30 14:27:31 · answer #1 · answered by julie j 6 · 6⤊ 1⤋
I think that their letter is completely tacky and insensitive.
If they could afford trips to Europe last year, weekly pedicures and massages, and who knows what else, they have absolutely no business asking family members for donations. Unfortunately, if they are clueless enough to send out the letter, they probably won't "get it" even if you try to explain why you can't donate to their cause.
So...I'd just ignore the letter. If they bring it up to you, I'd say something along the lines of what sunny suggested. That should get the point across. :)
2007-10-30 14:57:09 · answer #2 · answered by notshyviolet 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋
I think it depends on the situation. If they truely blow money on things all the time and are now asking you to help, then yeah, maybe it is rude. However, I know what it is like to try to save money for an adoption. I have been making things to sell, instead of asking people for donations. On the other hand, I wouldn't hesitate to send a donation to someone in my circle of family or friends for an adoption. That is just me though. If you feel that you can't afford to help, or don't want to help, then don't. But I wouldn't make them feel badly about it. I would just explain to them that you don't feel you are in a position to help with the expenses but really hope everything works out for them.
I don't know if you give gifts for the holidays or birthdays to these people, but if you do, maybe you can give them the money you would spend on a present and specifically tell them it is for their adoption fund. That way, you are still helping them and you money would have been spent on a gift anyway. Just an idea.
No matter how offended you are (and you have a right to your feelings), just make sure that you support them emotionally during this process.
2007-11-01 03:11:52 · answer #3 · answered by Richelle78 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
That's just downright inappropriate.
Regardless of "what they have been through" with IVF, the IVF and the adoption are a CHOICE they are making. They CHOSE to go through it, and are CHOOSING to adopt now.
It would be different to ask for money to get out of a situation that they had NO CONTROL over, but this? This is their choice, no one forced them to go through IVF nor did anyone force them to adopt.
Gee, I'd like a shiny new car, you don't know how HARD it has been for me to drive my old beater, for years now. Will you give me some money to buy it? (How is this request any different, except we're not talking human lives here).
2007-10-31 04:15:44 · answer #4 · answered by Debbie Downer 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I feel what they did was tacky but its probably best that you just ignore it. You can be supportive in other ways, like throwing a baby shower after the baby is adopted and comes home.
If anyone does mention the letter to you, dont go into how you think its tacky just simply say that you wish them every ounce of luck but right now you and your husband are unable to send them money.
2007-10-30 10:22:49 · answer #5 · answered by Kristin Pregnant with #4 6 · 8⤊ 1⤋
I think it is a bit, uh, tacky, yes.....regardless of their financial status. Them being financially "able" just makes it all the more difficult to swallow. I don't think I would say anything about it. This will just cause problems. If they ASK you your thoughts about it...I would be honest - polite and tactful, but honest.
It almost feels like a bridal registry...or is it me? If we add to the pot of money do we get a chance at naming the child? kidding.
2007-10-30 15:05:45 · answer #6 · answered by Green Eyed Girl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think your worries are valid. They don't really have business getting manicures and such if they really really want to adopt they would adjust their budget. Also, if they need donations can they afford to care for the kid in the first place?
2007-10-30 14:03:00 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 9⤊ 0⤋
I'd tell them that all of your family funds are tied up in raising your own family.
I feel that if you want to give, then do it, but asking is tacky and rude.
2007-10-30 15:45:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Don't respond. If they ask again, tell them you thought it was a joke. If further asked, bring up your points about the trip and the wasteful spending.
2007-10-30 17:07:59 · answer #9 · answered by CarbonDated 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋
I'm going with, Yeah it's tacky to ask for DONATIONS, but a fund raiser is different. You know something they put some kind of effort into, but it would have to be sponsored by a friend or something, kinda like a baby shower.
this should only be done if there is an immediate need, like a family member is wanting another family member to adopt their child, and they need the expences covered. But not just 'cause someone wants a baby.
2007-10-30 10:20:40 · answer #10 · answered by in COGNITO * 4 · 4⤊ 6⤋