A Spiritual Approach to Teen (all) Relationships...?

Question

I had a talk with my teen daughter recently about a boy at school that she is friends with. He seems to like her (as much as a 17yr old boy can 'like' given his hormones) and has taken to calling her 'baby' in an affectionate kind of way. They are planning on going to prom together. My daughter says she likes him but she is not attracted to him. Her father's advice is to cut the boy off because its not 'fair' to him to lead him on. I'd say this was 'reasonable' advice IF sex is the obvious finishline but can you see how crippling that idea can be to a person's social development? To tell a teen, dont be friends because you dont want to hurt his feelings when you wont have sex with him. If you REMOVE the 'sex expectation', it opens up the possibility to actually GET TO KNOW the person before committing your mind and/or body to them. Choosing abstinence gives you that 'freedom'. The benefits of which are: less teen pregnancy, divorce, spousal abuse, abortion, etc. Your thoughts?

My daughter's father and I were both sexually active teens who should have waited before getting involved. I love my daughter of course but I want her to make smarter relational choices than we did. No one was telling me 'wait and really get to know the person'.

Non- I disagree. It blocks communication if I shove abstinence down her throat sure. But she comes to me because I dont do that. Her father is saying 'limit the friendship' and Im saying she doesnt have to. She can be FREE to get to know that person if you take this sex expecation off the table.

Jim, I think its very obvious that what is visually attractive to us as children may not be good for us and the people that seemed kind of 'corny' at first glance could have turned out to be the great guy. Im telling her to not rule the boy out at first 'glance'. She hardly knows the boy. Who knows, once she gets to know him her feelings may change. She has never had a boyfriend by the way and she is a senior in high school.

Y- that is exactly what I am doing, 'teaching' her. She lives with her father so she is hardly under my thumb-but she comes to me to ask what I think. I would argue that I think far higher of teens in general (my daughter especially) than to reduce her to a cycle of hormones that is 'just going to do it' like some other responders said. If you dont teach them anything they surely will. I draw the religious aspect because there was nothing 'solid' in my own atheist upbringing that detered me from sex. I viewed it as merely an action and that 'perspective' has haunted me for years; manifesting in a lack of respect for my own body, life in general, and an inability to have whole relationships without rushing into sex which, introduced too early is a problem even for adults.

Answer 1

I agree with you, not your husband.

Of course I am raising my daughter to make her own choices, as I'm sure are you. But that being said, we have had many conversations about how relationships at this age have the same outcome, which is breaking up eventually. So I advise her to not do anything that she would regret doing after she breaks up. She wisely chooses her virginity.

The boy does not need to think that SEX is his ultimate goal, but rather, getting to know your daughter and having fun spending time together. Likewise, for your daughter. If she likes him as a friend, that is all she needs to commit to, and doesn't need to "cut the boy off" from her friendship.

If I were there, I'd "slap the fool" out of your husband!! LOL

Answer 2

Abstinence is definitely the best way. I was abstinent until I was over 22 and it is the only 100% effective against pregnancy and STD's. However, teens should be educated if something does happen. The first time should be special for everyone and if she gives it away to this boy, she'll probably regret it later when she meets the right person for her. I'm glad I waited for the right person to come along, but I had the other facts too.

Answer 3

The fact of the matter is, despite any religious conviction, human life is structured and programmed to reproduce as early as thirteen years old. That's why the hormones are there in the first place. As human beings, we peak in sexual fitness during the teenage years and early twenties. So abstinence is an artificial construct that your daughter will decide to follow or not in individual situations.

In my opinion, she should get to know him and if he makes a move or asks her out (e.g. "dating"), she should make clear what HER morals are. But they might be different from yours. If there is a seventeen-year-old young man interested in her, chances are she is old enough to have her own views regarding sex and relationships.

Something my mother taught me is that you can't always control your children. You have to teach them what you believe is right, then allow them to explore their own ideas and decisions with knowledge of protection against harmful persons and infections. Usually the kids come out alright with that kind of upbringing. Choosing abstinence might lend some freedom, but forcing it down your kid's throat gives her a sour attitude.

Teach her to be safe. That is far more important than teaching her what to believe, which she will probably change her mind about anyway. And don't underestimate her. I feel like you look down on teenagers too much and don't give them enough credit. Look into what they can accomplish, this article for instance.

Answer 4

"Abstinence only" doesn't give you freedom. It closes communication.

If you push abstinence only, your daughter will just feel less comfortable telling you about her sexual feelings. It is much better to just acknowledge those feelings she's having and give her the best information you can about what sex is and why it is a responsibility. Tell your daughters the pros and cons of sex, including how to be more safe if she decides to do it. Let her know that her virginity is not as important as your relationship with her. But let her know that you worry about consequences of sex and hope when she decides to have sex, she does so smartly.

Give your daughter the room to make her own choices. She's going to make those choices anyway. Whether or not she includes you in those choices is up to you.

I do agree with you that it is more important to teach her about what relationships are all about. Sex is just physical. If you do it, do it smartly. Relationships are more complicated, and that's where you can really give some good advice.

Answer 5

If she doesn't like him "that way" then chances are pretty high that sex would be out of the question anyway.

I'd advise her to not use him. If she likes him, but just not "that way" then going to the prom together and hanging out together seems perfectly alright. If she doesn't like him and is really only using him, then that would be very wrong, I agree.

P.S. Don't underestimate teen's feelings: I went through the whole falling-in-love thing that included being unable to eat, constantly thinking of each other, caring for the other and expressing it in cooking, supporting them through hard times, being there and also being out of the way, going to family gatherings without snogging in public, sharing a bed AND being comfortable with that - and not having sex, because we weren't ready for that, albeit we discussed it. And I went through it at age 15, and it hurt for years after it was over, although there was no bitterness, only honest interest in that the other may find a better person than ourselves. Don't underestimate what young teenagers can feel!

Answer 6

Love/Light/God/All That Is/Source is the "creative" principle of the universe (and beyond). Only Love has the potential within It to expand and bring into being...or not, when It rests in Itself as Itself. Gerald Jampolsky wrote a book sometime in the '70s titled Love Is Letting Go of Fear...and this says it all, for anything that is not Love is based on fear/separation. We are made in the image (imagination) of God/Source and contain all Its attributes...and are, therefore, perfect, without blemish/sin. We, however, in our dream of separation from Source have forgotten that we, too, are Love...and only Love. Love, then, is always the answer in spite of the question (any questioning) that is ultimately born of fear/forgetfulness. If we remembered, we would have no need to question. Only Love is... i am Sirius

Answer 7

Your husband is correct, and you aren't.

Your daughter "is not attracted to him." And so you move into ideas of sex, and abstinence and "freedoms."

No matter how long your daughter hangs with Mr. 17 yr-old, and 'gets to know him." Will she want to date him for the next four years, or perhaps marry him? No?

Then your husband is correct.

It's not all about sex . . . as much as you seem to image. No one, not 17, 27, or 47, wants to date someone who isn't 'attracted' to them.

Why is your daughter going to the prom with him, anyway?

Answer 8

sounds good i guess....but i don't see how you're going to go about removing the expectation. the whole of our culture would need rewriting, and that would take a lot of time and effort. i personally have nothing against removing the expectation, and know other teens who think the same, but alas we are but a minority. as far as we can see, anyway.

Answer 9

there is a normal development of sexuality that starts off as wanting relations with everybody, to wanting realtions with only one person, to having realtions with not just anybody but one particular person whom you want to marry.

Shyness (or lack of communication) can actually protect kids during their vulnerable years.

Answer 10

I would that them be friends but encourage your daughter to remind the boy that she does not want to do anything like that yet