Step-parent looking for suggestions:?

Question

My step-child has very, very poor hygiene habits. At 17 years old he'll wear the same clothes for a couple of days or clothes he knows are dirty, rarely brushes his teeth, his bathing habits are very cursory, he picks his nose and wipes under the couch, sticks gum to the underside of the kitchen table, somehow there were maggots in his laundry, and treats our home like his personal garbage dump.

My husband says that I have to help him with this problem, but he is very inconsistent and very often isn't paying attention. Very often this means that its going to be my responsibility to address the issue consistently.

If we talk to him, try to keep him consistent with his hygiene and personal standards, he calls him Mom to come get him. She does not understand why he's like this, but she also doesn't do anything about it and insists everyone be nice to him.

Any suggestions? 'cause I'm lost.

Answer 1

He's 17, there isn't much you can do but tolerate it until he's 18 and then put him out on his own.

Answer 2

I am working in a sort of (private) orphanage, where I have 9 children under my responsibility. My eldest guy was 17 years old, and I was dealing the same problems with him like you do now. The solution is "patience" and a lot of talking. I also had the same experience like you did, I mean when he felt offended by anything that I advised him, he use to call his mother as well. and the classic story: "mom is doing nothing at all against it!" which makes the problem even harder!
My advise to you, that you should do the same thing, but your husband should the same thing. I mean the boy has to see that you two, are partner in everything you decide about him. You should even build up a confidence between the two of you. But remember, if even if you keep try with this boy, and you don`t have any success with him, is not your fault, because it always takes two to solve any problem!
Good Luck!

Answer 3

If you've already talked to him about it then maybe it's time for a little more action and putting a parental block on the computer to deny him access to inappropriate content or having supervised computer use. I understand that it's normal for children to be curious but at the same time, a lot of the stuff on the net goes to the extreme and you don't want to confuse him with trying to figure out the difference between love making and hardcore sexual activities (which is what most porn sites are).

Answer 4

If you get along with the mother even if its just for the sake of the child all 4 of you need to sit down and discuss your concerns with him. Do not however make him feel as if he's being attacked. He could in fact be suffering silently from depression, if talking with him fails to help seek him professional help. My youngest newphew went through this (though no maggots or booger wiping) we talked with him over and over and would get to the point we'd tell him he couldnt go do things until he washed or cleaned his room etc.. In the end we took him to be medically evaluated and it was discovered he was depressed. There isnt always ONE thing that leads to depression its just a chemical inbalance in the brain. Even now 2 yrs later if he doesnt take his medication for a few days he falls back into the same pattern. Most of the time just not talking to ppl, absorbed in xbox360 online, and not showering or brushing his teeth he'll just sit down in the basement sleep when he feels the need. He's only 16

Answer 5

I am in the same boat. My fiancee's son is 10, but he's already hit puberty and he just doesn't get it yet that he stinks. When he comes to stay with us for the summer or breaks, he doesn't put his laundry in the basket, I have to tell him to shower, he has no respect whatsoever for our furniture or belongings, including my three's stuff. This last visit he came down for two weeks and his Dad was actually happy to see him go. There really is nothing you can do other than stay on his butt. If he doesn't like it, he can stay at his mom's until he can clean up his act. I would put my foot down. I had to do that this last visit. This is our house, these are our rules, respect them or leave. My children don't have that option, but they don't behave like that either. My step son's Mom is the same way where she doesn't want to do anything about it because he's the child of a divorce...blah, blah, blah. I wish these idiots who are raising their children this way would realize that in the "real world" it won't really matter. The world won't give a rats *** as to what you've been through or how hard you've had it. As a parent, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to teach your children how to survive, adapt, grow and succeed as adults. Obviously, your Husband and his ex-wife need to sit down and have a little discussion very soon or else both of them will be raising this child into his thirties!!

Answer 6

First dad needs to step it up and take control of his kid! Yeah, you are there to help, but this something he has to take control of, and if the kid doesn't like, he can't just call mommy to come get him If there is a court order for visitation, she is in contempt for doing that, but dad needs to put his foot down and quit letting his kid run the show and do whatever he wants to. Dad should make him get up early in the mornings and take a shower, make him put all of his dirty clothes in the laundry room, clean his room, clean under the table where the gum is, and anything else he has gotten dirty. But dad has to be the disciplinary in this and take care of it. It is not all up to you.

Answer 7

you have to come to the realization that you or anyone else can not change this boy/man. he is pretty much full grown. some people you just cant fix. and this just didn't happen over night. he has been this way since he was little I'm sure. you have to just tell him to respect your home and pick up after himself. if he don't then he can move all his stuff out side or to the garage like animals (no offense to the animal lovers) do. If he wants to be treated like a human then he needs to act like one in your home. when he gets his own then he can live like a slob. so you just got one more year and yall need to kick him out!

Answer 8

Hi Amy,

I am very sorry to hear about this.
If you could get more information about his childhood this will help you understand more about him.
You could request him to help you around the house. Let him see you doing things the right way.

Here, he is like a child who has to learn and unlearn things.

You could also spend time, talking WITH him to know more of his past. Get to know him more and win his confidence. Please reward him for doing even small things right. Let him feel loved and appreciated.

This is time consuming and energy sapping but in the end it will be worth it.

All the very best.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to hear you have been put into this situation, and worse expected to handle it -- you aren't his parent, and his FATHER needs to address the issue.

If the child goes to his mother's house when you urge him to practice good hygiene, then that's a good place for him.

Answer 10

HI, sorry to hear that, I have a similar problem with girls. I have to say though - you should make it clear that this is your home and he will have to see his father somewhere else unless he can clean himself up. It is NOT your responsibility, but ur husband and his ex are making it ur problem - stepmother is the bitchy one always, as u know. :)))) Distance urself from it, make an ultimatum - it should work.