How do you help kids that grew up with a Borderline mother?

Question

The older my step-kids get the more I see their biological mother come out in them. She gave up her rights this year, so how can I help them move on without being harsh. It hurts so bad to know that they had to go through all they went through. I just want to help and not hurt them anymore than they have already been hurt & I am scared that the oldest girl is starting to develop BPD. She is so much like her mom & I can't fix it! I feel like I'm going crazy myself, sometimes worring about all of this.

Answer 1

First, CHILLAX. People who grow up around or have the genes of crazy people (I have) will not automatically become crazy. They simply also have to have sane people around them, and hopefully be able to observe what works and what doesn't. Actually by being around it all the time and sometimes feeling it in them, they can tend to have the capacity to identify the difference between "crazy" and "normal" and understand the causes. Which many normal people can't.

At some age, it's not useful to open up old wounds so don't help them deal with irrelevant stuff or something they're over. However if there are unresolved issues that do still affect them (which is their judgment not yours), you could talk to them about it, but it would probably be more useful for them to talk to an outside person like a therapist. But trust me, being forced to go a therapist is probably more hurting than helping. If they have an older friend or mentor type relationship with someone you trust than encourage them to spend more time together (but indirectly, again not forcing). Emphasize the positive things in their life more than critiquing the negatives. You'll also regret making them think or feel their mother is just a "crazy lady," because it is after all their mother. To be honest it might even be more affective playing the devil's advocate, mentioning her good aspects, when brought up. They will realize you are good person and that she is too -- and they will recognize her bad aspects anyways and try to prove them to you more bc you just think they should love her for how she is...

When you do see instances of "crazy" don't confront them and invite hostility. But don't ignore it. Mention it. Deal with it by addressing the situation that caused the behavior, and what to do/say in the future to avoid the same thing (NOT what they should have done/said that time). The more you label something a 'problem' the more you feel the need to 'fix.' Instead, think of their issues as weaknesses, instances of bad tendencies, whatever (which we all have).

Answer 2

Much of how kids learn is through modeling. They get most of this from watching their parents' interactions with each other and with other people. You have the unique opportunity to retrain them, however, you also have your work cut out for you and I dont envy you at all. Consider family and individual counseling for tips on behavior modification for the children. Individual therapy will help them to recognize how to control their behaviors as individuals and family therapy will help all of you find your place/role in the family dynamic and behave accordingly. Good Luck

Answer 3

Professional help, and involve their father. The earlier you get the professionals involved, the better. BPD is no joke, and I really feel for you. Begin with their pediatrician. And have their father go for the visits with you. This part is really important with step kids.

Answer 4

Their FATHER needs to get them in therapy. I realize you are part of the family but anything you say is going to be resented. Your husband needs to take control of the family and get help for his children. Group therapy will be part of it, but they need to work through their issues mostly.

Answer 5

in the genes... most minds are written in concrete at the age of 5

good luck because your gonna need it

Answer 6

Seek professional help. She may need therapy.