How does one improve self esteem?

Question

Im grade 11 in higschool Im not talkative and Im semi shy but I feel like I lack self esteem. I have trouble crossing the street becasue I feel uneasy who is looking at me, I dont find myself as attractive as I hear... I have trouble initiating convos with girls....

Im a wreck.

Answer 1

I went through a similar thing when I was your age. It can be very nerve wrecking. It will lead to depression because you begin to believe you are worth less than what you think you are. People don't like shy people. They consider them inferior. Not only that they become targets of bullys and people will try to take advantage of you or in the least not give you the respect a persons deserves.

High school is especially tough. Kids at that age are trying to figure out who they are. They want to be sure that they are special and that they are worth something. Unfortunately, the way most people try to value themsleves is by devaluing other people. That is I make myself feel better about myself by making you feel bad about yourself. Therefore you will experience many people think that they are better than you or treat you like you are inferior. They will make fun of your clothes, the type of music you listen to etc etc. You will see then people forming clicks. There will be a group of people who have the latest clothes, a group that will be the sport guys, the goth guys, the surfer guys, the rap guys, the nerd guys so on and so forth. All of the are trying to find their identity. All of them think that the other groups are inferior.

Funny thing is that all groups are essentially the same when looked from a bird eyes view. You see all groups have an uniform. They all dress a certain way. All groups have their own lingo (language). All groups have their own body language. All groups listen to one particular type of music. When I was in highschool I have the problem that there was simply no category for me. Why, because I did not dress in a particualr way. I mean now, I dress more or less the same but then again I don't buy my own clothes. My wife does. All other clothes have been hand me downs. Not old clothes good almost like new handme downs. So, if I switch wifes then I will have a different dress code. I like all types of musics from slasa, rap country classical. If I like the sound I listen to it. The point is that this allowed me to look at things from a different perspective. But also forced me to experience things in a not good way or depressing way. You see not belonging to a group means you don't really fit anywhere. At least the other people fit somewhere. SO I have to overcome some problems. Even to this day I still work at them and they have gotten better but I'm not quite there yet. These problems are similar to your. Being too shy, being afraid of girls even though now I'm married and have two kids. Worrying about what people are thinking. However, I have found how to fix the problem. So, take note so you can beging working on the problem right now.

The first thing to realized is that everybody is on the same boat. Everybody is self concious, and get afraid of the opposite sex. But is not so much fear of the opposite sex but is more about being turn down. No one wants to feel that they are not worthy. When someone turns us down we feel like there must be something wrong with us. Well, it could be. Then again it can be a simple thing like the person simply does not like us. Or the person is so insecure about themselves that they are afraid to take a chance because they think that we are inferiour in some way. Also, it could be they are just as scared as we are and preffer to turn us down just so they can have the upper hand. That is, if I say no to you first then I don't give you the chance for you to say no to me. However, most often than not and at your age is because they are more worried about their image than anything else. It gets better with age but people still care about image. Just to a lesser extend.

On the subject of girls. Well, notice one thing. If you talk to your mom or your sister if you have any or your aunt, or even some girl in school that you are not attracted to then you have no problem approaching them. This is because there is no fear of being turned down. They do not pose a treat. More importantly however, is that you in your head do not make them out to be something greater than what they really are. The reason you are afraid to approach that chearleader from third period is becuase in your head you think that she is too good. A godess. SOmeone that you are not worthy of. A person that is superior to you becuase their beauty is so great. Well, in reality is all in your head. They are great because you made them great. Yes, they are more beautifull than the rest but thats about it. They still, have to use the toilet like the rest of us. They still have fears, insecurities. They still cry every now and then and if they get cut they bleed just like the rest of us. So, you see you start to humanise these people and they start to loose their luster. Once they start to loose that luster you begging to notice defects. Maybe, they snort when they laugh. Maybe they are missing a molar. Maybe they really have bad attitudes. Once you start noticing these thing you ebging to feel that they are not that different than your mom, or aunt or whom ever. They are simply human. Remember that fear is something we do not understand. Once you understand something then you don't fear it.

Well, the girl thing does not end there. Now you will be aware that they are just like you. You still have to learn to approach them. Well, I suggest you get a book on the subject. I recomend a book about body language. Read it with a grain of salt. The way you express yourself or the way you behave will tell a great deal to other people. For example, if you se some guy who is nervous. He looks like he is hiding something. Looking around a lot. He looks out of place then it probably means that he is. I mean how do you know a person is mad. It is because they show it in their face. Their face gets red, they make their size bigger to make them look more powerfull, they get loud. On the other hand if a person is afraid then they close themsleves. Their arms stay closer to their bodies, they lower their head and avoid eye contact. They become quieter. See body language. The idea here is that you need to portray the right body language. So research the subject.

The only way to become unshy is to do un shy things. I suggest joining a martial arts school. It will teach you dicipline and it will get you in shape. When you do excercise your self confidense increases because you feel good about yourself. You feel healthier and stronger. When you feel good about yourself other people will notice. Confidense is sexy. It doesn't have to be martial arts but any excercise is good. The more you challenge yourself the better. The most important thing though is to have fun doing it. Me for example I hate lifting weights. So, why should I waste my time with it if I don't enjoy it? Do something that you like.

Pratice the skills you think you lack. The best thing I found to do is to practice outside of your area. You see if you make a fool out of yourself in your own town the people that have seen you will always be there. So its a contant reminder of the event. If however, you made a fool out of yourself in a different town then when you go home no one knows about it. So, practice your solution to your fears in a different area. Remember, no one is a prophet in its own land. On that same note rehearse your action. For example, if I'm going to speack in public I practice what I'm going to say. I may go to my room and repeat the words a couple fo times. I pretend I have an audience in front of me of people I know. I see myself as an expert on the subject. By the time I get to do the public speech It will appear as if I have already given the speech countless times. This works great for doing oral reports at school.

Practice speaking to people. Look at somebody (in a different town) and aproach them and ask them for their time. Ask an elder person reading the news paper what they think about x or y subject they are reading about. It is especially good if you ask another person to teach you something. You see when you ask a person to explain something to you it is not a challenging position. You are not putting them on the spot because what you have done is tell them, hey I think you have some knowledge in this field that you can teach me about. You give them some power.

I suggest you read a lot, especially about current events. The fires in california, the debate over health care. A bit about the problems about why celebrities are having so many legal problems. The idea here is to have something to talk about. The more varied your knowledge is the better because it can reach many different types of people. That being said, don't become a know it all. You have to give people a chance to express their opinion and let them win occasionally. Even if they are wrong.So, win a few and loose a few. Balance is key.

Become a listener. It is easy to hear the words but its not the sound but the message that is important. It is sometimes a good thing to listen to someone without adding your two cents on the matter.

Well, you have a lot of work to and unfortunately there is no way around it. You just have to put an effort to fight shyness. Shyness is not a good thing. So, make a plan, then try it outside your town to see how it works. Make observation and modify your strategy according to your results. Know that you will fail many times. Failures is a part of life. It is thru failure that we learn. It also makes success taste that much better too.

Answer 2

Do not dance to the beat of a different drummer... BE that different drummer! Focus more on your own personal strengths and less on your weaknesses.
If you can dream it - and in your mind's eye see it, then into your reality you can bring it, you can have it, and you can be it. And you don't need drugs and explosions to help you achieve it!
I too am shy and introverted. I have had similar difficulties growing up, much like the ones you have just described. Quite simply, you do not need to 'be someone else' in order to fit in. It is okay too stand out in the crowd. It is more than okay to simply be you. If other people have a hard time with that, it does not mean that you MUST make it YOUR problem.
If you cannot like yourslef, love yourself, trust yourself, respect yourself... then You cannot expect others to either.
If you think highly of yourself, others will too. You should never allow anyone else to dictate to you HOW and WHO you should be. If you are comfortable with you ... then others will be too.
Bottom line... be You on your own Terms... do not become someone else on everyone else's terms.

Answer 3

Do the things you enjoy doing - or try new things you might like. It is usually easier to talk to someone that has shared interests.
Go easy on yourself and realize that the majority of kids are going through the same stuff as you. Stay positive and never talk down to yourself.

Answer 4

you must have SOMETHING you're good at. join a club that will let you show off a little bit. little by little your confidence will go up, and pretty soon you wont care what anyone thinks about you!

Answer 5

have confidence in yourself. Think positive. Don't let others to let you down

Answer 6

you are who you are. dont run away from who you are ~CS LEWIS :)