Do you think it's selfish to not want to have a child?

Question

I am 28 years old and have been married 9 years, and I have absolutely no urge to have a child.

I have never wanted to have a child even earlier in my marriage. It's a mutual decision that my husband and I agree on.

I'm always asked "When are you going to have kids", and when I tell people that I don't want children..... I recieve some awful looks at times.

I like kids, but I've never had that "motherly instinct".

Answer 1

it's selfish for others to keep asking you.

Answer 2

No, I don't think it's selfish to not want a child. I think it's selfish to have a child and then decide you want to continue on in your pre-parenting lifestyle. But I think it's actually really a responsible thing to know how you feel about it, and not bring a child into the world when you don't really want one.

I can guess how difficult it is to see people give you awful looks, but I don't think most of them really mean to imply that they think you're being selfish. It's just that once your'e a parent, especially if you're a GOOD parent, you just can't imagine your life without the ups and downs of parenting. I would imagine it is more that they just can't fathom making the decision you have made, because they are already at the point where they can't imagine NOT being parents. They love it, and probably assume anyone would.

As long as it's a mutual decision by you and your husband, I don't think there is a problem there.

And you never know what the future holds. There could come a time when you DO want to have a child. Not all moms had "baby fever" prior to reaching the point in their lives when they were READY to have a child. It could happen for you.

But that's not to say that I think it SHOULD or SHOULDN'T happen for you. If you never want your own child, there's nothing in the world wrong with that.

But since it's so all-consuming to people who don't feel like you do, especially people who already have children, you could be having to explain yourself for a long time, to some people. Don't get defensive, just state how you feel about it. Since most of the time, those looks and questions are not malicious, I don't think telling someone to mind their own damn business would be appropriate, but just state clearly and politely that you just don't really care to have kids of your own, and leave it at that.

Answer 3

You're not selfish at all!

Some people will have kids, some won't, it's a matter of choice.

The real selfish people are those that have kids for the wrong reasons; eg the people who have half a dozen kids just for the welfare.

It's not fair to a child to be a burden or to feel unwanted, and it's not fair to expect people to have children they don't want.
Don't let those people get to you, they're just trapped in the traditional rut of getting married and having kids. They don't have the right to guilt trip you over a personal choice which really doesn't affect them at all.

Having a kid is a big deal. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

If you and your husband are happy with your choice, that's all that matters.

Answer 4

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Not all people are meant to be parents, or want to be parents.....and you should not be made to feel bad about your decision.

I am a mother of three, I love my kids to pieces, and I enjoy being a mother. I had a friend who had no maternal instinct at all....and she would come right out and say that she felt she was too self centered to have a child, she did not think that she could be as selfless as you need to be as a parent. I think that is being brutally honest with yourself and I respect that.

I teach preschool and I encounter people all the time who should not have children, raising children is an enormous commitment and not something that everyone wants to undertake. Kudos to you !

Answer 5

No it's not selfish! Its a personal choice. People just have this idea in their head that as a woman we HAVE to have kids, when thats not the case at all. There are so many reasons to have kids, and their are just as many not to have them and they are all personal reasons. Ive come across people talking online about this subject and usually the woman who disagree are woman who can't have children. Im adopted, my mom couldnt have kids either. Im all for adoption and I personally want kids, but if it comes down to it and I can not bare childern for some reason It wont be my place to critize (sp) another woman for not wanting to have kids there are to many kids out there now with out a home, just having a child because everyone thinks its "The right thing" would be the selfish choice. It would mean that you are bringing a child into the world because you wantned to make everyone else happy-not yourself. One more tid-bit, its great that you and your husband have desided on this together. You should be very proud you made the decision that is right for you and your husband- and don't let anyone get you down on your choice! As for those people who give you looks... give them right back :)

Answer 6

i don't think its selfish and nor should you feel guilty about your choice. It is good that you know what you want and can stick to it without giving into society and family pressure. I have a 2 year old with another on the way and that "motherly instinct" that you mention was just there for me since I can remember, I could not imagine my life without having kids, even when I thought about my future when I was a teenager. Do whats right for you and its great that you have discussed this with your partner and you are in mutual agreement of this.

Answer 7

It's not selfish at all. If you and your husband both agree not to have children, then sticking to that is the best thing you can do. Too many people have children without even giving it thought and then treat the kids like an inconvenience later. You are the only one that knows what's right for you.

Answer 8

I'm sorry, this has nothing to do with you're question...but that's the cutest avatar ever.
And it's your decision and your husbands' that you made not to have kids...doesn't make you a bad person whatsoever.
I think it makes you responsible actually. You know that you don't want kids and it's not selfish at all, because if you were to have kids, even if you didn't want any, and did just because of feeling pressured and like you had to, you probably wouldn't be a great parent..and might resent that child. I think you're being responsible and honest to yourself. Don't ever make anyone make you feel bad for that.
Children are wonderful, they're just not right for everyone one to go out to have of their own.

Answer 9

For awhile i felt the same way about not wanting kids so I totally know what you are talking about. And absolutely not. You should not feel bad about not wanting children. God may have prepared you from day one not to have a yearning for children because He knew it would not happen. This makes it easier for you to live your life to the fullest without asking 'what if'. I think you are perfectly normal, nothing is wrong with you. Maybe the next time someone asks you when you are going to have kids, you can politely tell them, that it's just not your purpose in life.

Answer 10

No, absolutely not. I'm 56 and have no grandkids from my 3 adult 'kids'! I've always supported anyone that 'thinks' about kids to borrow some from relatives and keep them for a while, off/on. [Their parents could use that break!] Then, there is always big-brother and sister organizations to help out with needy kids or being a foster parent.

There isn't a forceful law that says you have to have them. A lot of people aren't cut out to be a parent. [even when they do have kids!] I don't belive it is selfish to choose that, at all. Your choice is what you believe in and don't worry about people giving you a dumb-looking face as their response to your intelligent decision. I'm proud that your man is in agreement with you in your choice. Best wishes!

Answer 11

There is nothing wrong with not having children and plenty wrong with having them when you are not ready. If you and your husband have a mutual decision about kids then stop worrying of what other people think. There will always be someone to tell you that you are wrong. What makes them the expert.