I would love some opinions of Christians on this subject.
Husband and I have been married 8 yrs. He loves me and always tells me how attarcative I am.
A few years ago he watched porn probably 6 out of 7 nights. We rarealy had any sexual contact. We have since talked about it and I agreeed to give our intimate life more attention.
Husband went to a seminar for Christian men and it was about porn.
Our sex life has been pretty good, we try for 4 out of seven times a week. Of course life gets in the way and it doesn't always work but its pretty good.
Tonight he told me that I am not doing my job as well as I need to and that he has watched porn on the computer and pleasured himself. He said that it is about once every 2 months.
I am upset and feel betrayed by this. He doesn't see it as a big deal but I feel hurt and upset, as though I am not good enough.
We are going to talk tonight...any ideas?
Blessings
2007-10-27 14:08:30 · 36 answers · asked by Heather 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
SERIOUS answers from Christian people.
2007-10-27 14:14:57 · update #1
For some women (including me and also apparently you) when their husband looks at porn it feels like he's cheating. He is engaging in a sex act outside of your marriage with the image of another woman. So many people made me feel terrible because I couldn't tolerate it. The world acts like it's no big deal. For me it is a huge deal. As if we are not barraged by images of perfect women 24/7 then we have to deal with this. Please don't ever, ever let anyone make you feel bad because this bothers you, including your husband. Please know I'm praying for you tonight.
Maybe you could ask him to come to you before he looks at porn, if he feels there is a problem in your sex life.
2007-10-27 14:28:57 · answer #1 · answered by lotta_nada 2 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Porn teaches a man to be selfish sexually. It's like shoplifting - something for nothing. He can engage in counterfeit sex without having to consider the wants or needs of an actual live, present human being.
Jesus said that looking at another woman with lust is adultery in the heart. Porn fits that description, doesn't it?
Some good resources would be "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn, "The Married Guy's Guide To Great Sex" by Clif and Joyce Penner, and "Sex Begins In The Kitchen" by Kevin Leman.
Good sex will meet the needs of both partners and help seal the intimacy between you. That can only be accomplished when each party looks out for the interests of the other, not when one or both parties is selfish. The first book deals with the problems porn causes in marriage. The second and third deal with how to cultivate a sexual relationship that will foster your marriage and appeal to the needs of both of you.
Sex can't be that great for you if your husband leaves you feeling not good enough. His porn addiction is like any other addiction - it leads to denial and shifting of responsibility. He blames you because he doesn't want to give it up.
Could it be that you have some issues to work on? Of course. But you can't give up enough of yourself to please him if he has a porn addiction. So don't fall into that trap of listening to what his addiction is telling you any more than you would trust his judgment if he were on meth. The addiction lies. It's normal for people with addictions to blame everyone else's failures for their addictions. It's normal, but it's still a lie. Don't fall for it.
If you can get him to a Christian counselor, that would be ideal. The American Association of Christian Counselors has resources and a therapist search on their web site.
"Boundaries In Marriage" by John Townsend and Henry Cloud might also be a good resource for you. Often the partner of an addict is an enabler. You may need support in setting boundaries.
This is tough to work through, but it's worth it. I hope the resources are helpful, but know that there's no bandaid for this. It's a process with many ups and downs, but God can use even this for your ultimate good.
May God bless you and your marriage.
2007-10-27 14:41:10 · answer #2 · answered by Contemplative Chanteuse IDK TIRH 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My guess is there are some deeply rooted problems that have never come to the surface. It's bad enough he's committed adultery, but his penchant for pornography is a symptom of something neither of you have addressed.
I cannot offer any reasonable advice before your talk with your husband, but I will suggest a book that will at least give you an idea of what God expects of you as a Christian wife.
I'm a guy. I read it. I thought it was fabulous, biblically accurate and straight from the heart. Check out the link below.
One small piece of advice. Before you two talk, you should pray together for God's Spirit to direct your ways. Okay? Let Him lead you.
2007-10-27 14:29:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
@ above: that's like the old saying, "drink your school, stay in drugs, and don't do milk": the exact opposite of "stay in school, don't do drugs, and drink your milk". To every "supposed to", there is an opposite (although not equal) something.
Anyway, it sounds like your husband has some real intimacy issues that he needs to work out on his own. You need to make him realize how much it hurts you to see him doing this, and find a way to "spice things up" if need be (although /highly/ unlikely, it is possible he's bored with the same thing(?)).
Finally, a "good christian" abstains except for the explicit purpose of procreation. Of course, a "good Christian" also tithes (or double-tithes), volunteers practically all their alone time, and prays constantly for help with very minor issues. So, the idea of bringing Christianity into this argument is flawed. This is a purely human issue (even though you both may need a Christian way out) as of right now.
Really, you've three options: ignore it (silently consent to it), divorce him (not entirely Christian, but something to keep in mind), or ask him what you need to do, and put some serious consideration into anything he asks (don't just reject it outright. Even if you don't like the idea, pretend to think about it for some time).
Personally, pr0n addiction runs low on my book, as I'd be more worried about someone else... (sorry if I kicked off the fear-o-meter, but might want to keep that in mind for your chat tonight).
2007-10-27 14:20:00 · answer #4 · answered by earl71972 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A Christian friend of mine had this same problem with her husband. I don't know all the details, but in the end she found out he was having an affair. She believes her husband was a sexual addict. Now I certainly don't believe that everyone that watches porn is an addict, but I have to wonder where that fits into a marriage. My husband and I don't watch it at all (unless we are on vacation somewhere and both feel frisky). We feel like regular viewing is not necessary and counterproductive. I think porn should only be a part of a commited relationship if both are into it.
2007-10-27 14:15:55 · answer #5 · answered by MOL 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I recommend a book called "The Good News About Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West. In a question and answer format, he explains why traditional Christian teaching is the way it is. In this book, he is very candid about his struggles with "pleasuring" himself. It may help you understand better why men tend to struggle with this addiction. It is written from the Catholic perspective but there is much in there that applies to any Christian. Good luck and God Bless you.
2007-10-27 14:32:55 · answer #6 · answered by Michael B 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He needs to understand that your feelings are valid and that no matter what you do that lusting over another woman is wrong.
I am lucky to get sex once a week and I am 24 and only been married 4 years.
This is a very difficult subject. Men tend to want to feel "desired" by their women and women tend to feel "obligated" to have sex and sometimes the two do not go together well.
Here are some good books to help you understand each other and communicate better about the issues:
"For Women Only" http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=23175&event=71457SPF|661254|71457
"For Men Only"
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=525722&netp_id=418374&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
Communication is key. You both need to learn how to communicate your needs/frustrations in a helpful and respectful way. This is very difficult. My wife and I struggle over the exact same issues. I will say a prayer for you.
2007-10-27 14:16:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
gazing porn of you better 0.5, even even if it continues to be your better 0.5, nevertheless incites lust, between the seven vices, which lust should be unnecessary in case you had unique sexual rights to that man or woman (it really is the definition of marriage) and would have sex with them whenever you needed. that stated, ought to you concentration on it a sin? this to many human beings should be the in simple terms significant element as for the Bible, i do no longer understand of any verse the position it mentions this actual project, so that you would possibly want to both infer from different verses or arise with an answer your self
2016-10-23 02:18:56 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Porn as a sexual marital aid for Christians is one of the biggest jokes there is. There is actual data that says it destroys marriages and can lead to male impotence. Christians that watch porn ---just a case of identity theft---Christians do not watch porn. People might watch porn and "call" themselves Christians but, they aren't. If someone has a problem with sex within marriage they should go to a legitimate counselor along with praying to the author of all human sexuality--Jesus Christ the Lord.
2007-10-27 14:25:20 · answer #9 · answered by Midge 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
A couple of verses on that:
mt 5:28 " anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Heb 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
2007-10-27 15:28:28 · answer #10 · answered by Steve Amato 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋