How can i stop swearing in front of my 3 year old?

Question

I am ashamed to say that i am a mother who has recently found it incredibly hard to stop swearing. My son has now copied my most worst used word.

I realise i have to take responsibility for my own language, however i have noticed since i have become a mother, i have replicated many aspects of unwanted behaviour, of which is the same way my parents did to me.

My parents swore, mostlly in anger or frustration, and had a 'fly off the handle' temper. They smacked, sometimes round the head face, other parts of the body. I don't like myself as a parent and had tried not to smack at all...but have now started smacking my little boy at the age of 3.

I am ashamed to be a parent and really don't like myself for it, not to mention feelings of awful guilt. My son is everything to me and i love him dearly.

Answer 1

i see myself in you and i admire your honesty and courage to put up question like these to help others in same situations.
before i had my son i thought i would be the best, best, nicest mum in the world. i knew i wouldn't do/be be like my mum and lo and behold, I AM.
i remember being on the brink of utter frustration and tiredness even when my boy was months old! it changes who you are, i am not the same person before i had him. and i love him.
swearing is a release of tension from anxiety and frustration and anger. it is not a matter of replacing words "flipplin sugar" since it has no sting there!
when you feel your anxiety increase and the need to swear is on the tip of your tongue it takes alot of energy , but STOP , put your hand over your mouth and leave the room.
give yourself time out until you can calm down.
everyday is a marathon not a race we have to pace ourselves and take it ONE day at a time.
i do wish you all the best and hope things can get better for you. x

Answer 2

It is good you wrote. Abuse does recycle.
We are pretty much what we learn, but it can be unlearned and new ways to cope developed.
Instead of becoming so involved in a situation, think yourself away from your kid and observe what is happening. You are now, for the first time, an actor and not a reactor to circumstances that happen in all families. To resolve conflicts with love and caring is so much easier and expresses our true feelings so much better than a slap.
A kid running into the street deserves a slap on the bum, however, so he will remember that it is a bad thing to do.

I'm sure that you are a good parent, you have said a million times you will never be like your parents, am I right? I went through the same stuff and I said the same thing, except I was terrible at conflict resolution. I was afraid of my temper and of hitting one of the kids.
As I was drawn more and more into the science of the mind, I learned not to be too hard on myself. We are what we learned but that doesn't mean it's a life sentence. I have taken parenting classes, anger managment, marriage counseling, on and on. Most people don't understand and that's ok. Good luck. I'm glad you figured out what is going on.
One way to deal with the language is to simply quit, under any circumstances to swear. It's the only way I know. All writing I do now has to be clean writing, no swearing (unless it's an emergency) It's a value put away in the last few years. It's a value to keep, I think. Good luck.

Answer 3

Join the club! I am thinking of starting the not-perfect parent club! As a child, I never heard my parents swear so I have no excuse for my language. My husband is far worse! As for the smacking, I did witness violent behaviour all through my childhood and have struggled with the outbursts too where I have 'smacked' in what would nowadays be considered an unsuitable way! It is bad and we shouldn't be doing it but you have to remember that you are human! You should also remember that life is far more complicated and pressurised than it was even in your parents day and that sometimes, we just cannot cope - its quite simple. I would also point out that when my mother was parenting me, most women did not work so there were friends and neighbours to help with the strains and family often had the little angels for weeks on end - my mother was shipped off to an aunt as young as 18months for summer! Nowadays, we are expected to be even tempered, perfect parents 365 days a year and never raise our voices or smack - its unrealistic and probably not possible if there are other stress factors involved e.g. working full time, having financial difficulties, marriage problems etc and all by yourselves! I am not saying that any of us are right to smack or swear or act like idiots to our children but there are moments where it is understandable. I think that by being conscious of your failings is the first step to being a better parent. When your child is older, you should explain and apologise as I have done with my oldest. It shows respect to them and in turn, you get understanding back. Good luck.

Answer 4

Stop being so hard on yourself. It will be natural to follow in your parents footsteps as they set the blue print and history repeats itself. However, you have already acknowledged that you do not want to take this approach with your son so you are halfway there!. Regarding the swearing, think up a replacement word and use it instead of swearing, something like, "fiddlesticks" etc - that way your son can join in when you find something annoying and you can have a giggle!! Regarding the smacking, try to punish your son for being naughty by having a naughty step or something similar. I was smacked as a child but then that was the thing in my day - it is different now and smacking is not wise - you have seen yourself the affect it has had on you. It is up to you to break the chain of past habits and you can do this. Put aside anything that has happened to date, stop feeling guilty and look to the future with confidence and a determination to change - of course you adore your son, you sound like a very caring person who knows right from wrong. Remember too that you may make progress and then slip up - if that happens, just put it down to a bad day and pick up the baton again. Good luck.

Answer 5

As for the swearing...Buy a jar for you, and a bucket for your son. Tell him that whenever he uses a bad word, he must put a toy into that bucket, and he may not play with that toy. As for you, tell your son that whenever you say a bad word, that you will have to put a dollar into the jar. After a while, it'll work. As for the smacking. You just have to remember, this is your little boy, and you want the world for him. Whenever you feel your anger or temper rising, maybe go to the bathroom or something, and cool off. That way, your little boy won't think anything of it. I know your a good mother, but has fallen into bad habbits, and remember that. Also, your child is a toddler, testing the waters on everything and anything. Instead of smacking, do timeouts. Much more effective. I wish you the best of luck :)

Answer 6

Most people would say you've won half the battle because you recognized you have a problem, but I don't buy any of that psych stuff=). The fun is just starting! It's not going to happen overnight, but It's great you want to start! One of the cheesiest ways that actually works, is stick a dollar in a jar every time you utter an atrocity. After one week you may be surprised how much is there! (Put this money towards something useful, like your kid's college fund.) If there's someone you trust to be non-judge mental around, ask them to remind (not flip out) you what happened. I've helped a few friends curve their habit =). It's mostly a self discipline thing... only you can help yourself! Good luck!

Answer 7

I 'fluff' and 'sugar' it quite a lot.
It's difficult when you're not used to watching your language but you soon become more conscious of it and can turn a 'ffuu' into a 'fluff' and 'shhh' into 'sugar' or other preferred words. If you do slip up and he notices, just apologise and tell him that mummy is naughty for saying bad words.
As for the smacking, it can be frustrating having a little strong minded person not doing as they are told but try using other methods of discipline -naughty spot, time out etc. The most important thing for you to do is to try and to stay calm. If he sees you flying off the handle then it's letting him know that his behaviour is getting to you and he'll do it again to get attention.
Praise your son and give him lots of attention for all the good behaviour and stay calm and discipline for the bad. If he's not getting enough good attention and praise, then he'll resort to bad behaviour to get your attention.
If you feel yourself getting too worked up by him, leave the room for a couple of minutes to calm down before you carry on to disipline.

I hope this helps. Your not a bad parent! No one is perfect and we all need to ask for a bit of help sometimes! We're not robots!
Good luck! x

Answer 8

I feel your pain i also have a 3 year old boy and i understand where your coming from I'm not perfect either on saying bad words and smacking and i dislike myself for it. It's hard i know. When i talk i been catching myself on my bad words so i say something else but it's to the point those words are already in his head. I think the best thing is just going to have teach them and control on how to deal our frustration when they do something wrong and punish them in a different way then smacking and toning down on the bad words

Answer 9

Naughty Naughty but you already know this and it is a sign of frustration rather than anything else. Billy Connelly in one of his shows claimed to have made noises that sound like swearing but are not when he wqs angry with his childen ( And boy does he swear in his shows) Perhaps the very old remedy of counting to ten or inded twenty or more may help.
Otherwise it is just a case of self disipline. As my old headmaster was often heard to say to those who had broken school rules bbefoore they were caned. The only disipline worth having is self control

Answer 10

Tell him to let you know when you swear and that every time you swear he is allowed to have a treat. Every time he swears, however, he has to be punished severely, and you take a treat. If he swears, put him on the bottom stair of your stairs, or if you live in a bungalow or flat, put him in the corner for say 10 minutes. It worked on my niece when my parents are seeing to her. We use the 'Naughty Step'. Thanks, Jo Frost! :P It works a LOT, trust me. Also, try to just calm yourself and not say your sentences in a rush. Or try to pick up a different bad habit to not swear, but to go onto the other habit instead. Or donate a pound to charity every time you swear. You can also do that old trick where you put a rubber band on your wrist and possibly your son's if you really want him to stop, and tug it every time you swear. You'll regret you ever knew the word and you'll soon stop. Good luck!