ok. i am not looking for an answer to my personal 'did it happen?', rather to the validity of my therapist's

Question

certainty. the question is whether it is possible (highly, not just "well, anything is possible") if i was truly sexually abused as a child. (thank the lord for anonyminity). strong sexual abuse situations were prominant in the home my father grew up in. there are definite cases with patricular siblings. he himself has been accused, but not convicted of it with in-laws. he has emotional and interpersonal relationship problems. he was verbally, mentally and physically abusive to both my brother and i, as well as a very controlling husband, which included unwanted sexual situations my mother once confided to me (as an adult). i am 31, and have been diagnosed, as well as hospitalized, with borderline personality disorder. i was very reckless / promiscuous before i learned how to manage myself, at least in that area. i understand the extent of his obvious abuse could very well be all i had to endure to have these feelings. but i've noticed that triggers relating to

non-threatening sexual conversations, comments, scenes on t.v., books, etc remarks tend trigger intense fear, goom, and eventually a feeling of rage that i must contend with. (emotions for one with bpd can be overly instense to begin with...but it's very deep, what i feel). my therapist is convinced it has to do with simply the way he treated me. i have no direct memories of sexual abuse. my family is simply surrounded by it, mother was even sexually abused as a child as well. my disorder has a strong tie to it. i guess what i am asking, is how do i truly find where this pain, rage is stemming from? it seems so difficult to think my father was so gravely cruel with his words that i fear anything andeverything. i can't even have sex withot having a panic attack. i just want to be able to put this fear to rest, either by facing it or at least giving more or an answer / name to it so as to find the correct skills an tools to deal with it productively. thank you for helping

i apologize for all the spelling errors. obviously, i didn't proof-read, lol.

"i guess what i am asking, is how do i truly find where this pain, rage is stemming from?"

Answer 1

I'm going to say that while there is no way to positively say yes or no to the question that you were indeed sexually abused, there is evidence that you were, in your younger stages, reaching out for that "missing" piece in your life.

Just because someone has a history of it, or even has a family history of it, doesn't necessarily mean that they have done it/will do it to everyone they come across. For instance, I also grew up in an abusive home. Myself, I was verbally and mentally abused. My younger sister was physically, verbally and mentally abused. My youngest sibling, being male, was not abused in any way.

I also know of two identical twin sisters. One sister was sexually abused, the other, never even knew about it. She only knew that her identical twin was scared of the dark.

Even if you WERE sexually abused, it seems to not have an effect on your memory. Judging from the way you acted out in your early stages, only states to me that you were just looking to fill some void in your life, whether that be parental attention, or whether that be to just get affection from someone not in your family, or maybe whether you saw it acted out and decided to imitate.

Either way, I wouldn't dwell on it too much. You seem to have your life in order, and what's in the past is in the past, you know? You're not going to be able to change what happened either way, and you might as well just come to the realization that you're a strong person, a good person, and you're life is going great! Don't cause yourself too much anguish over something that doesn't affect you now. You're just going to end up giving that therapist of yours more money for them to say "Well, anything is POSSIBLE.... let's put you on more meds..."

Answer 2

Pretending that this doesn't bother you is not an answer. And abuse does tend to run in families, in the sense that if that's the way one is raised, that's how you think things are "supposed" to be and it can be very hard not to perpetuate such behavior over generations.

The way to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do is to work with a therapist who really listens and understands you. If you don't feel the current therapist is helpful, find another one. It can be very difficult to find a compatible therapist.

It's important to face your feelings of anger and work through them.

Answer 3

please finish your question