I've been married to a passive-aggressor for 28 years. He would not agree, of course, but that's part of the picture. Your kids can pick it up, as well, from the example they see; it was dealing with them that has taught me how to deal with him.
First: decide how you want to see yourself, and set it in motion. It will make you more resilient when faced with his behaviors that lead you to doubt yourself.
Be careful not to isolate yourself - pretty normal when your self-esteem is down. John Gray, who wrote Men Are from Mars; Women Are from Venus (recommended by a now-divorced friend whose wife had left him for ignoring her) wrote a great article several years ago in which he spoke of our need for a variety of relationships, all necessary, as no one can answer all our needs. Those outside relationships can make you more resistant to the problems in any one of them, including controlling behaviors. Make sure they are healthy friendships with people who reciprocate (our niceness sometimes leads us to draining relationships). Church or community groups, classes ... whatever ... because having fun feeds our self-esteem, which is so important when a spouse insists on having a limited role in our happiness.
Say 'no'. To unreasonable behavior. To what makes you unhappy. To letting one person dominate your relationship. To arguments- because arguments with a passive-aggressive person are pointless. They can't allow themselves to not "win" ... (often due to some childhood problem, just like their withdrawal; but it's a learned behavior they need to outgrow) ... which means if you have a problem with them, you must be "wrong". It may be a way they protect themselves, but it is controlling, and it is not acceptable (i.e., it is "wrong" by its very nature). Say so. No shouting or tears. Just very matter-of-factly say so.
If a matter should be discussed, set aside a time to talk calmly. If he doesn't want to help the situation, just make sure you state your case. Write down ahead of time what you want to get across. Do not expect him to see the light; your goal is not to change him (he has to do that himself), but to speak up for yourself. You might consider remarks like, "Your response/silence is telling me that .... " Anything from "your silence is telling me you see my point but don't know how to talk about it" (this can get him talking!) to "your response/avoidance is telling me that you just want this to go away, but I'm wanting you to know it can't go away by ignoring it, and I want you to help fix it." If the conversation doesn't have immediate success, try "I see we disagree, but it was good to talk." Then go do something enjoyable that you've planned in advance. Treat yourself, for a difficult task well done. He will see you aren't being manipulated, that you are indeed taking charge of how you feel (isn't that what he insisting on?), and his behavior isn't working.
Stay consistent. Don't let tiredness or hurt feelings or distractions cause you to vary from your plan. Make it a plan you are comfortable with, prepare in advance, and stick with it.
In suggesting ways you might respond, I hope you know I'm not suggesting the ways you've acted until now are wrong. These are just some ideas of approaches your husband may not be used to, that might get his attention, and (more importantly) increase your own self-regard and happiness. He can't complain - simply tell him he wants you to be in charge of your own feelings, and that's just what you're doing.
I wish you all the best.
(EDITED)
2007-10-27 07:36:45
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answer #1
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answered by Anonymous
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Oh man, do I know this passive aggressive hell! My dad is passive aggressive and for 20 years my mom thought she was going insane. He was much more passive than aggressive, meaning he was big at silent treaments and just not responding to problems. We all used to think he was bad at communication or that he just didn't know what to say, but it was his way of controling the situation. My mom decided that asking anything of his money, time or spirituality were just out of the question. My mom is active LDS (mormon) and my dad used that against her, if he was mad at her, he wouldn't go to church or pay tithing or anything else that affected her. Everything was her fault, never his. I also think these people have serious insecurities and several marriage therapist told my mom that marriages just don't work when your married to someone with severe passive aggression. Also, passive aggression is a learned behavior...so get this, me and my 4 brothers have learned this behavior, knowing this has helped us and we know how NOT to be but I have one brother who is more aggressive and abusive at times and he learned it all from my dad...
Now, over the last 2 years I've seen a huge change in my dad, he is beginning to understand that his behavior has really influenced our family and done a lot of damage. It's humbled him and frankly, that's the only thing that brings change....some serious humbling...maybe that takes a divorce, but hopefully not. My mom basically decided that she was a married single and didn't ask anything of my dad, and yes, this made for a real disconnection but it really influenced my dad, wanting to know why his controlling behaviors were not influencing her. So, read all you can on this behavior and find ways to react so he doesn't control you with his behavior. He won't change, but by you changing your reaction and changing your behavior will influence his.
2007-10-27 07:47:59
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answer #2
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answered by Jennylynn 5
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Think about this. If he hasn't changed up to now, do you think he will just change all the sudden? People don't change unless they want to. Yes, I'd say passive aggressive is some of what you're speaking of. They manipulate you, twist things, turn things around on you too, but ultimately, YOU have to decide NOT to own any of those things. No one can MAKE you accept that bag of crap! Look inside yourself. What do you see? What do your friends, family, or co-workers see? I bet they see someone completely different, huh? You have to respect and love YOURSELF too, and learn to blow off anything anyone is trying to unload on you to make THEMSELVES feel better or look like the better or stronger person. Don't let this person continue to play on your emotions. I know it's hard, but you have to, or you'll be feeling this way forever! Don't be the scapegoat anymore.
2007-10-27 07:58:33
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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Time to behavior modify that man. Time for him to learn what the rest of us know: It's possible to worry and work at the same time. It's not like taking out the trash and putting away the laundry requires high levels of concentration. You need to have a serious talk with him and lay down some rules of the road: more cooperation or you'll show him the way to the door.
2016-04-10 21:40:11
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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I used to think that I was just a good person because I didn't like "conflict". I didn't know what the word "no" was. At the same time I felt bitter and "used". A dear friend came into my life and taught me "self". He asked things of me that made me get to know who *I* am through my own eyes and no one else's. I never realized how much I cared about what other people thought of me. I also never realized how I molded myself to what other people wanted me to be. Once I got to know me, I was able to be me, and was able to set boundries enough to say words like "no". So in answering your question, anyone can change if they want to.
2007-10-27 07:14:22
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answer #5
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answered by Lynn B 2
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It will take some time for things to change.
Your spouse is set in your relationship with this kind of character. You need to have a heart to heart talk and express your feelings and inform your spouse that you are not happy with this behaviour. If the spouse wants to continue as is, then stop communicating with your spouse and don't respond to their daily needs and see for how long can the spouse take it, till you can get that change.
2007-10-27 07:10:18
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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Try reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is directed at Christians but about putting boundaries in your life for yourself and for others. Lots of good, practical advice that you don't have to be a Christian to follow.
2007-10-27 07:01:34
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answer #7
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answered by Rebeckah 6
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He's not going to change. I'm pretty sure you already know this. And yes, his personality has caused you to think everything is your fault!
Get on with life. Why suffer? You've given him enough years already. Good luck to you.
2007-10-27 07:08:15
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answer #8
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answered by peggin_beast 6
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57 years?
I wouldn't expect much change here, unless there was some drastic action!
Good luck.
2007-10-27 07:18:09
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answer #9
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answered by Kc 6
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Why put up with that, life is to short and there is to much to do,
tell him to shape up or get out and start a life you want.
2007-10-27 07:09:22
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answer #10
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answered by Ell 3
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