My boyfriend of 5 years has joined the Navy and is leaving for boot camp in August of next year after he finishes his masters degree. He wants to go through BUDS to become a Navy Seal.
He wants us to stay together while he is gone and is 100% certain that he wants us to get married (we wouldn't get married before he leaves for the Navy since we are both still very young and don't want to rush anything that might not work) and live happily ever after. I definitely want that too, but I feel that four years in the service will take a huge toll on our relationship. I know I won't be okay with not knowing where he is or what he is doing for weeks at a time or if he is safe, as well as not being able to call him whenever I want, etc. Also, I have read that Navy Seal marriages have only a 15% success rate...which doesn't give me much hope.
Can anyone with a similar experience or knowledge on this topic help me out? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
2007-10-11 17:39:04 · 11 answers · asked by someone? 3 in Politics & Government ➔ Military
It's the military, not a death sentence. Either it will work for you or it won't. You're smart not to get married before you have an idea what the military life is like. The tone of your question seems to me to be that you are looking for a way to tell him not to go... and trust me, you cant do that. If you do, you will be to blame (in his mind) for "what if". Let him go, continue your relationship, and if it's right it will work. If it's not, realize it and move on.
2007-10-11 18:09:56 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have some really good advice here. However, don't think that just because you're worrying about how the military can affect your relationship now it means that your relationship can't make it. What it takes to make a military marriage work is a strong relationship and good communication with each other. Worrying now means you're more likely to do things like ask on here to see what advice other wives have about the lifestyle. It means you go to the meetings for pre-deployment, homecoming and the FRG (family readiness group) so that you can get information on how to be a successful Navy wife. And it means you keep worrying and working to make sure the communication between yourself and the love of your life stays strong.
Like others have said, this life isn't for everyone. But for those of us who manage to do it, we get to walk beside some amazing men and do and see things other people never will.
2007-10-12 06:30:17 · answer #2 · answered by Critter 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you cannot handle not knowing large chunks of what he does for a living(assuming he is one of the 27% that pass BUD/s and becomes a SeAL) and having little to no communication for months at a time, then think long and hard.
Military life is HARD. We as spouses must accept and understand that we are ALWAYS second priority. We don't have to LIKE it, but we do have to deal with it.
That being said, wouldn't change my life for anything. Although mine is not a a SeAL, we do have freinds who retired as one: 20 year marriage 4 kids. so yes it is definitely doable. Mine is in a Secret Squirrel job, so I can know nothing about his work and there are times when he cannot email or phone. I deal because I must.
2007-10-12 03:31:05 · answer #3 · answered by Mrsjvb 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
On average, the divorce rate for military couples is about the same as for non-military marriages...about half. The divorce rate does climb for military members in special forces, but again if you look at the divorce rates for SWAT officers, search and rescue and firefighters, again it is about equatable. All those jobs carry increased risk and that can lead to more problems in the marriage...but so can things like having a child with special needs, if one person develops a long term illness or if there is something in one person's past history (abuse, alchaolism, etc) that could increase stress today. Do not worry about the divorce rate in the military when deciding what to do with your current realtionship...you are going in with a strong relationship already in place, that will make a huge difference.
I will be honest here...it is much harder to maintain a relationship with a military man when you are not married. The simple reason for this is that girlfriends do not register on the official military radar when it comes to things like housing, moves to new bases, services and support while your loved on is deployed. As he is single, it is most likely that for he first full enlistmen (4 years) he will have to live in the dorms. Most enlisted will be in the dorms until they make E3 or E4 unless they are married. Even if the two of you have been living together, it will not change it. The military will not pay to move you with him. When you visit , you will need to pay for a hotel as overnight guests (especially non-military) are not allowed in the dorms. And if he re-enlists after that...and if he wants to do SEALS he will most likely have to as first termers are not eligable...it will be much longer than 4 years apart.
I think what you should be asking yourself is...are you ready to sacrifice to be a military wife? Because that is the real queastion on the table. If your boyfriend is determined to see through his dream, you will need to be more than willing to do what military wives must do...go where the military says, live on tight budgets, have limited career options and be able to handle being away from your spouse while he trains, is on ship duty for six months or deployed for longer. Most of the wives here will tell you we love it, but it isn't easy. The key is being open and able to communicate. Be willing to accept that for the time he serves, everything else comes second. If you can't see yourself being able to accept that as a girlfriend, you may not be able to accept that as a wife. Hard questions...but important...for you and him.
2007-10-12 01:26:48 · answer #4 · answered by Annie 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Being in a relationship with any man in the military is hard. You've been together for 5 years that's a great start for the both of you. It good that your waiting to get married but either way you still would be in a long distance relationship. My husband is in the Army and it feels like I live alone but our love is strong and I know we will make it. If your love for each other is strong you will make it to. I wish you the best of luck.
2007-10-11 18:30:31 · answer #5 · answered by This Sucks 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you go into a relationship feeling like its not going to work, then its not going to work. When one person in a relationship is in the military, both parts of the couple have to make sacrifices... You have to learn to be trusting and patient. You won't hear from him all the time, you won't get to talk to him all the time, and you won't know where he is all the time, and that's just if he's "regular" Navy. There are support groups for military families.. and if you surround yourself with other girls in similar situations, it really helps to make things bearable. In order to be a successful military girlfriend/wife you have to be 100% comfortable being independant and secure in yourself.. otherwise it won't work.
2007-10-12 03:34:17 · answer #6 · answered by Denise S 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Many people say that there is a high rate of divorce for people in the armed forces. At the end of the day the truth is that there is a high rate of divorce in the world in general.
If you live life worrying about what may or may not happen you will enevitably stiffle each others dreams and resent each other and probably get divorced anyway.
If he has a dream and you love him then it is up to you to support him in this.
2007-10-11 20:05:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't marry him until he finishes BUDS. The reason for this is the unique nature of SEAL training: people can quit at any time, and are often "encouraged" to do so. If he feels he can always just "wash out" and go back to you, that decreases his chances to succeed. He needs to find the inner strength within himself to succeed in this program rather than looking to you for it. And it seems to me that part of your love for him is based on his inner strength, so he needs to show you what he is made of,
2007-10-11 17:54:00 · answer #8 · answered by The Eternal Squire 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i was engaged to a navy sailor myself and when things got tough he ended the relationship and then i found out the real reason, he was cheating on me since basic! please wait to make any major decisions with him and your still young who knows what the future holds for you!! good luck
2007-10-12 01:10:47 · answer #9 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Long distance relationships suck. If you're having doubts already, it most likely won't work. Not your fault, most people just aren't cut out for them...
2007-10-11 18:23:40 · answer #10 · answered by Marco R 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋