Children supporting non-elderly parents. Am I the only one who sees something wrong here?

Question

My boyfriend is a kind and successful man. He makes great money for someone his age and under normal circumstances, would be able to live very comfortably. He's close to his family and as I've gotten to know them, I see that they rely on him more than parents should. He supports them financially and at their age that is not something I see as normal. They come to him for every want. Money for an exterminator, fine, new pillows, sure, but I was floored when his mother had the nerve to ask for a 3000 dollar water softening system. I see nothing wrong with supporting elderly parents that are no longer able bodied, as I hope that someday I'll be able to provide for my parents. I like his family and I feel bad, but it's very hard not to resent the fact that they can just take, take, take, from their child. I know he's drained but he feels it's just something he has to live with. Someday it will be "our" money, and I think it's best to address this now. Any, thoughts, ideas, or suggestions?

I guess I'll add- He moved out on his own before graduating high school and has been supporting himself since then. Yes they raised him to that point but after that, he was on his own financially. He has two younger siblings, one living with his parents, one with him who are also supported by him.

And no, I am not a golddigger. I am able to take care of myself and prefer that I pay for my dinner when we go out :)

His parents are not disabled or unhealthy and they are not yet old enough to receive social security. His father works, I'm not sure of his salary, his mother babysits and makes barely 1000 dollars a month. I just feel that she could put a little more effort into it. Without a college degree I still make more than double that. Nothing to get excited about but I do work hard.

His brother is the same age as me and just doesn't want to live with mom and dad. He's supposed to pay rent but has not for the past few months because he doesn't have a job (whole other issue in itself)

We've discussed marriage and a family, but he is still my "boyfriend" because I am not yet ready for engagement or marriage. I've let him know that until I finished college, those big steps wouldn't be allowed because I never want to end up being a wife that just sits at home, twiddling her thumbs. I want to be able to make a contribution to my family so until I finish school, he will remain "boyfriend"

Answer 1

no offense, but i think it's a little too early to be acting like the "nagging wife".

we cannot blame people for wanting to take care of their parents more than others.

but i agree with the first answer, live with it, or leave it

Answer 2

You may not have fully explained the situation for everyone to understand. Are both of his parents healthy? Do they work? Did they drop out of school to help support their families and now the cycle has started with his family where it did not seem normal in yours?

There are a lot of questions that you have not answered. Why does he have one of his siblings living with him? Out of choice or because his parents were unable to care for them?

The other issue is, at this point, in your question description, you call him your boyfriend, instead of fiancee. It can make a big difference where in the relationship you are as to whether you have the position to discuss finances.

Many families have a long standing tradition that the whole family takes care of the family. It does not matter how young or old. It is because it is family. Other families encourage each person to make their own life on their own. They might support them with love, but finances are separate. These are often many generations old. And you are not going to change that with a discussion over finances.

If the parents have disabilities and are unable to completely care for themselves, your boyfriend may feel he needs to help. Maybe, it is a condition they would rather not discuss, but the social security disability is not enough to get by on.

There is a lot to consider.

First Be sure where you stand in your relationship. Then have your discussion. Make the discussion one of, how should we manage our finances in the future, rather than a you give too much to your parents discussion. Then maybe the issue could be brought out gently. If your boyfiend understands that you want his family taken care of, but also want to make sure that you and he will be comfortable, he will understand. Set goals, and make a savings plan. Maybe a better plan is to help with the big expenses (like the water softener) and let them try to manage exterminators and pillows on their own.

Be careful...if you address this before he is ready, he may see it as crowding into a sensitive issue, and back away.

Answer 3

He really needs to figure out where to draw the line.

Somewhere along the line, his parents got this idea that he was their personal cash machine. Point is, that their little luxuries now could very well cost them a place in a decent retirement home later on.

Next time they come with their hands out, he needs to feed them a line to the effect that his earnings have been way off this quarter and it may take a while to get things back on track. Then maybe hand them a $50 and send them on their way. "Sorry Mom, that's all I have right now."

Every time he doesn't give them money, he should put that amount of cash into a metal cash box. Why? Because at the end of a couple of months he will look at that box full of cash and have a realization in as to how much that really is... with a physical illustration. It is easy to give the money away when it is only some innocuous numbers on a bank statement... but when a month's worth is several thousand in cash... whoo-doggy!

He needs to have money to put into investments so he can retire, and have a cushion for the ol' rainy day.

Answer 4

Ok for one it is never really wrong to take care of your family. I mean we are all raised as kids, to take care of those who took care of you. Regardless of their age. I mean I don't exactly have a job myself or anything, but I got credit cards from my bank for good grades and such. But my parents use those cards to get gas, groceries, and stuff we need around the house. They pay the bill on it though, but still its something to help everyone be more comfortable. So who knows I may be doing the same thing in a few years myself.

But I think its up to your guy to tell his parents enough is enough. I mean if you come between him and his family that way, it is only going to make you look like the gold digger. And he will figure that he can get rid of you more easily than he can with his family. So I just suggest talking to him about what he helps his parents pay for. Like that one system you mentioned. Ask him if he has talked to his parents and that system was a really necessary purchase. Or is all that important. Because if not they could do without it. See you can help guide him that way into not spending so much money on his parents. But do let him know its coming from a good place and not from that resentful place. He will pick up on the negativity and not like what you are saying and not listen. So do it in a good way. But again if he hears you out but still doesn't wish to take your advice, that is his choice.

P.S. Until you are the guy's fiance or something more serious than just the girlfriend, thinking of his money in terms of "ours" is a very possessive and gold digger like quality to have. I mean you are just the girlfriend and as I said before he can easily replace you with someone else. So your place in his life is not that secure. Besides even if you were to get married, money is not always dubbed as "ours". There is always yours and mind. Unless you would share a bank account.

Answer 5

What a strange situation. No wonder it bothers you.

With most of us, it's the adult children needing the parent's help sometimes. It wouldn't occur to me to ask any of my children for money. Our son came up here for the weekend, and got told off just for bringing us a small gift, a new shower-head, which he installed before I had a chance to sneak it back to his car to be returned for a refund.

Your fiance's parents are unbelievably selfish. Enough so, that you might want to reconsider marrying the man, no matter how much you love him. If his supporting them bothers you now, just think how it will be when you marry and have children. The whole situation seems odd.

If you believe he's drained and he believes it's just something he must live with, you've got problems. Mom and Dad are leeches. A wicked choice of words, but they are. It's time for a serious discussion. Pull no punches. He has some decisions to make. I hope for your sake that he decides he wants you, and wants Mom and Dad to start taking care of themselves financially.

Be firm ... and good luck to you both.

Answer 6

Give careful consideration to this issue. It may be a small irritation now, but think ahead 10 or 15 years. What if you get married, have a family etc. Will you have a say about your family finances? Will this constant mooching have irritated you so long that relationships become strained? Money is one of the leading causes of arguments in relationships. If you do decide to continue the relationship I recommend counselling for both of you before you get married.

Answer 7

Much of this depends on his ethnic background and cultural heritage is...if this is how he lives now, do not expect him to change just because you are wearing another ring.

Most "white" Americans will see a problem, just like you do, maybe even psychopathology. Anthropologists [like me] see an area that can strain a relationship unless it is thoroughly understood and dealt with prior to legal entanglements.

Either you need to learn to understand where it comes from and why he allows it to run his life or you may as well part now, before you have children to fight over and property to divide.

Examples: my friend's husband is from the Philippines - he provides money, buys things for all of his sisters and a couple of his female cousins [his parents are deceased]; a nice man I know lost his fiancee -- she is English-American while he is 1st generation Punjabee [sorry if that is mis-spelled] and works hard to support his parents -- over similar concerns.

Good luck!

Answer 8

You have to remember the Chinese culture views these things differently than the American culture. In America, we practically kick our kids out as soon as they are 18. In China, extended families tend to live together for a while, pooling resources. Sometimes more affluent parents will support their kids for quite a while. Other times parents will stay with their children and nanny the grand children while their adult children go to work. It really depends on the family's resources.

Answer 9

He has to learn to put his foot down now and put an end to that or he will be drained the rest of his life and remind him that when you are married they are going to resent you for the money you get then which they would otherwise be able to get from him. If he really feels he has to contribute money to them, suggest a budget which includes money for all his needs, including recreation, and a small amount to be put aside for their needs so that they have to not ask for things not included or affordable on their share of the budget or go without those things until they can afford them on the budget you set aside for them. then if they ask for too much a simple answer that it is not in the budget should be the answer they receive rather than something else.

Answer 10

I am in the same situation, except with my boyfriend--it is his whole family. One brother borrowed his car, so my BF bought a truck. Now his nephew borrowed the truck, so my bf had to buy another one. And when I say "borrowed" I mean they intend to keep the vehicles. His whole family "borrows" constantly, but it is his money and he is kind enough to help them. I just wish they would be up front about the "borrowing" thing---he really ends up giving to them and he never gets it back. He is a very generous person and a lot better person than me, because I would not be that generous. They will plan a vacation for the whole family and he has no say in the plans, but then they want him to pay for the whole thing for everyone---sometimes up to 20 people. I do feel like they are using him, I have warned him about it, but he said he enjoys helping them out. But it is for everything, just like you said, repairs, appliances, carpets cleaned, and on and on and on.

Answer 11

I do not know from which part of the world you are from but I am from asia. In asia, supporting parents, elderly or non-elderly is considered to be a duty for a child due to filial piety.

Anyhow I would think that your bf is doing a very honorable thing. His parents brought him up and supported him when he was young and now that he can earn income, it really doesn't hurt for him to support his parents. It is not as if the parents is demanding his support even though they know he can barely support himself. They may think that with his income, he should be able to foot the bills quite comfortably.

Sometimes parents may not know of the real financial situation their child/children is going through. If your bf seem to think that his parent's demands are really burdening him, perhaps he need to sit down and talk to them. After discussing the situation with them, they may stop or decrease their demands.