What am I supposed to do about my husband?

Question

When I got home from my job as a server at 9:30 pm this is what I came home too: My husband had been asleep on the couch and had forgotten to pick me up like he does every night. Our three month old baby was buckled into her carseat with bankets on her chest and an empty bottle lying next to her from where he had propped her bottle while he slept. He told me she last ate at 6:30 which meant she had been in that position for 3 hours. Our two year old was crying in her room because he had locked her in there so she wouldn't get into anything while he was asleep. She hadn't had dinner yet (again it was 9:30) her pants were soaked because she had peed through her diaper (he never changed her) and all over her clothes. There was a plate of food on the couch bc he told me he just got done eating after getting up. This means he ate before feeding our daughter when it was already WAY past her normal dinner time. I'm terrified this is what happens when I'm at work. What am I supposed to do??

I am so scared that this is what happens when I'm at work. I don't think this is something that should just slide bc my kids are so important to me. He can definitely be selfish in other ways but I never thought he would put his own needs before our children

And I don't think I'm a bad person for trusting my husband to take care of our kids. I thought more than anyone he would have been the best candidate to watch our children.

Unfortunatly I have to work bc he can not support us on what he makes alone. I almost want to tell him to just get a second job that way I am with our kids all the time and never have to worry about their safety.

No, I did not know that this was going on. Now I am just afraid that this is what it's been like since I returned to work a couple weeks ago. I am NOT a bad parent for thinking my husband was competent enough to take care of our kids.

Answer 1

I think you have every right to be concerned. I would not trust him to watch the children again. Which is so sad to say because they are his children also. It sounds like he could care less about anybody else but himself.

Its so much easier for someone who's never been in such a situation to have an opinion about it, but i would seek another place to be in the mean time. At least just until he can see or realize that he is as much as a part of the whole parenting thing as you are. Seek help.

Answer 2

Well I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your husband is guilty of child neglect. Now you will be equally responsible if you leave him to care for those kids alone again.

I think the last idea you posted about you staying home, & he gets a 2nd job is the best short term solution.

Now for my thoughts on what a long term solution should be.
Your husband needs to get his priorities straight here.
His kids should come 1st. He gets a nap time AFTER his kids needs are met, NOT BEFORE!
But c'mon mom. You know that.
He behaves this way because he doesn't understand the depth of his behaviour. Right now he's an inadequate husband, & more importantly, an inadequate father.
You and your kids need a husband who is part of the programme. You already have two kids to take care of, so why are you keeping the third one around. If his mommy didn't raise him right, then why did you volunteer to take it over? Kick him to the curb until he can learn to become a responsible adult.
At least that will give you a chance to find a man who is a worthwhile husband & father. This guy isn't even a good tennant.
When dealing with him ask him if he would pay a baby sitter who cared for his kids the way he does.
Do I sound angry? You bet I'm angry!
You know people who treat animals the way he treats his kids have those pets taken away from them, & some even get sent to jail. But when a parent does it to their own kids?

Whatever you do, don't give him another oppourtunity to do this again. Your kids deserve better than that.

Answer 3

It is a normal assumption to make that a father is capable of caring for his kids and many fathers would be more than up to the task. However, since you're having concerns about your husband being able to do it after what you found....well, you may need to talk to him about it.

One thing you need to know is if this is how he cares for the kids all the time. If this was a one time thing where he felt he was going to pass out and took the time to make sure the kids were, well, not exactly safe, but unable to harm themselves or each other before he did then that's a lot different than if he locked them up and strapped them down so he could get a good nap in. You need to know which this was so ask him.

Then you two need to talk about ways to make sure this doesn't happen again. If he was incapacitated then he needs to get checked out to find and fix the problem and you need to have someone on call if it ever happens again. If this was his normal way of caring for the kids then he either needs a crash course in child care or you need to make sure someone else is taking care of them. If that means he gets a second job while you stay home then so be it.

Answer 4

I hate to say this, but I am going to say it anyway. You both are two irresponsible parents. If you knew that he was doing this for such a long time now, why in the world would you let him watch the kids??? He is not able to watch them like you want him to. You should have never had him watch the kids even if you trust him, but he is not watching them, he is neglecting them.

I think you need to tell him to get a second job. You need to quit your job and come home and take care of your kids. They are your responsibility to take care of them. If you see he can't watch them, then you come home and watch them. If he has a problem with you wanting to take over, which you should have done when they were new borns, then you as a parent are suppose to see that they are getting the best care as possible. Your place is with your kids, not at work. Especially if this is happening. If you don't do something about it, then you are just as guilty as he is.

Yes, you are a bad parent to allow this to happen for so long. Now is the time to save them from neglect. Hopefully, some one will not call Child Protective Service, or some one may be watching your home already. Something to be aware of.

Sorry for being so forward, but when it comes to kids who are being neglected, I do something about it. Maybe because I use to work in a group home in the past and staff were suppose to report things like this. When you see something wrong, you do something about it. That's where you come in.

Answer 5

Since your husband is not going to take the responsibility of taking care of his two little girls. You should hire a baby sitter to take the responsibility until you come home or the person can watch them at their house. Make sure your husband pays for the worker as well. It would be best if you also take the car to work. I don't understand why he is not taking any interest in his own kids, even selfish people take pride in their kids. I hope my advice help, because you really going have to settle this matter before something bad happens. God bless

Answer 6

that is a DANGER to your children. A child should NEVER be locked in their room. I think the best thing for you to do is have a serious talk with your husband, your child may get a horrible rash for being left in soiled pants. what if a fire were to start? Your husband needs to grow up and put his child's safety and well being first! You could go to parenting classes or if you want to get a fast result call child services, they will come and evaluate the situation which will hopefully make him face reality and want to keep his children safe because if he doesn't than he doesn't deserve them. Both of you are the parents and the children are your responsibility, to protect, support and love.
Good luck, your children love and expect you to love them back by doing what's necassary for their safety
think of how scared, wet and hungry your children were feeling, I don't even know them but I if were in that situation I would NEVER do that to them! God Bless you and your precious babies!
Oh if you don't have to do this alone don't, let HIS family know what he did and your family as well.

Answer 7

That's exactly what you need to do before you lose custody of your children. A 3month old cannot drink from a propped bottle and locking a two yr old in a room is criminal. Quit your job and let him figure out how to support his family.

If you have to, pack the kids up and move to your parents or a relative. I would never leave them alone with him again.

Answer 8

Well 2 me this sounds like child abuse! I mean the father locked a 2 year old in a room for several hours with no supervision, left a 3 month old baby in a car seat for three hours and did not feed one of them or change them.
You have a serious problem, before some one turns him in and you have DHS on your doorstep you had better take action!
If you have another family member or hire a babysitter, and I would strongly suggest you look hard at your relationship!

Answer 9

You need to have it out with this idiot.
What is his problem?
Is he on drugs? Is sure sounds like it!
Does he need some coaching in how to handle children?
Does he understand the meaning of the word "neglect"?
He either needs to get it together and start earning serious bank so you can stay home with the kids, or he needs to pitch in and HELP with the kids.
Little children are not animals you can just put a dish of food down on the floor to feed. They are the priority.
Come on now... locking one up so he wouldn't have to hear her, and keeping the other strapped in a car seat? Neither having been fed or changed throughout your whole shift?

If you can't get this through his thick pate, you need to pack up and go back home to momma with the kids in tow. Right now he is a danger to the kids.

Answer 10

You can not let this go on. It is your responsibility to keep your children safe. This is not safe and you know that it is happening when you are not there. God forbid but if something happens to them because of this you also will be responsible for it. This is a very selfish man that cares about no one but himself. Your baby could choke eating like that and there are all kinds of things that your two year old could do. She could do something as simple as crawling up on her dresser and knock it over on herself. Your children are being neglected and going hungry. Put your foot down and stick to it. There is nothing more important than the safety of your children. Good luck, I know that you are going to need it.