I'm 43 years old, going through a divorce, have a 13 and 15 yr son. how do i get them to show me respect?

Question

i know it is late in life, but there has to be something that I can do...they are pretty good kids, no drugs, home on time most evenings... Cs and Bs in school, repectful towards others just not me... they tell me that they hate me, call me a liar (I hate liars, I do not lie) tell me Im a retard, and the older one has a hard time doing most things I tell him to do... like pick up YOUR mess...stop teasing your brother, take a shower...not hard things. The disobediance is understandable...teenagers dont want to do anything but the disrespect thing, the mocking the hateful words.... I cant take it...breaks my heart

they do not talk back to their father like they do me. They are scared of him...they wont tell him things that they tell me. they wont ask him to do stuff for them because they know he will say no.I know part of the reason that thay talk to me this way is cause they feel safe with me, they know i will still love them no matter what. I know for a fact that he puts me down in front of the boys.

Answer 1

i feel for you... but just because they arent doing drugs now it doesnt mean they wont later on... my bf started when he was 20... are they like that with their mother?
is she poisoning them with bad thoughts of you? coz i know my mum does it sometimes... but i am 23 and i know better than to believe everything someone says...
how much freedom do they have? i know when i was that age i couldnt go anywhere without them... it wasnt until i was 18 that i had more freedom!!!
i hnestly dont know ho wi can help you... because i dont know your situation... but you can email me if you want... [e-mail]

Answer 2

Don't confuse your issues with your soon to be ex with your son's. What he does is beyond your control, so leave it alone. Don't ever speak badly of him in front of his kids, they will figure it out on their own.

Teenagers are complete pains at this age. Have a meeting, apologize for allowing them to think they can say and do anything they want, but in the future here are the rules. Then tell them what you want, homework, chores, and no mouthing off. Tell them the consequences, write them down if you need to. Then when they break a rule, make sure you stick to the consequences. Take things away, don't take them where they want to go, don't buy them the things they want. If they fight with each other, both get punished, don't take sides. Tell them they have choices, they can talk to you respectfully or they can live with their father.

You are not their friend, you are their mother. You've screwed things up so far, so acknowlege that and correct it. Stop nagging them to do things, simply tell them and then let them have the consequences. You've got no business telling boys this age to take showers. If they stink up their classrooms, their teachers and friends will let them know it. If they don't get their dirty clothes in the washer (actually you should be teaching them to wash their own clothes), then they have dirty clothes to wear. Its not your problem, its theirs. You can't be anyone's doormat unless you lie down and let them walk all over you. Ignore them when they say they hate you and call you a liar, they are simply pushing your buttons because for some reason you think you have to defend yourself from children. Tell them you hate their behavior too, so your even.

Being a mom isn't easy, so get tough for the sake of your sons.

Answer 3

He has to much of the Christian Moralistic Guilt about Him. He is not much of a Friend just Tell him to Pi** off with Himself as he is no Friend of yours. Back Years ago Roman Catholic Women in Ireland were Forced by the Prelates and their Families to stay in Marriages where they were Abused, and in the end some of them ended up Murdered. A Cousin of mine was in this Position, married to an Alcolholic with a Murderous Disposition,in the End She could no Longer Live with Him and so Had to get a Flat with Her Children. Divorce was Forbidden by the RC Church so she was in Limbo. Years Later He got very thin and Ended up in a mental Asylum and eventually Died from Cirroshis of the Liver. That was Twenty Years Ago and all is Changed now, most of the People do not take much Heed of what the RC Church says anymore and if in such a situation they Leave the Husband and most Eventually get Divorced and start a New LIfe with someone Else and get Married in a Registry Office. They refuse to be Dictated to by Anyone.

Answer 4

Sit them down and talk to them at first one on one then together. I am not a parent, but I know being a teen very well. With everything happening they are feeling confused and angry they have to take it out on someone. It will most likely be you since you probably do not fight back that much. It may give them some sort of sick joy to see you upset just so they know that they are not the only ones. They do not realize how much it is really hurting you. You have to use a firm form of punishment and stick to it. Do not give in. I imagine it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Do not only show them hatred show them love. They may act like they do not want it, but eventually you have to get through to them. If they do not clean up their mess DO NOT do if for them. You are going back and they think you are weak. Remember it is human nature to take advantage of weakness even if it is someone who carried you in their womb. Oh and do not forget the harder they fight you the closer you are getting. Good luck I wish you the best.

Answer 5

Sit down with them and TELL them how it makes you feel.... and tell them that you and they have to work TOGETHER to find some peace and harmony in the family... tell them you will NO LONGER TOLERATE their disrespect and if it continues, there will be consequences---grounding, whatever and then STICK TO THE CONSEQUENCES.... they are testing you and you are FAILING by allowing them to BE disrespectful to you... first time and EVERY time they say or do something disrespectful, give them a consequence---let them fight you on it... STICK TO YOUR GUNS... the only way you will GET the respect is to show them you DESERVE it and the only way to do that is to BE CONSISTENT and follow through with any threats you give---just don't make any threats TOO unrealistic... but DON'T SLOUCH on this.... repettion and consistency is the only thing that will change them.....

Answer 6

LittleBa had a great answer. Disrespect is not a teenage thing. If it is not tolerated it is not done. My children have never told me that they hate me or called me names. I am sure that they have wanted to but they never have. Mine are 17, 14, and 11 years old. Consequences and sticking to your word is what will work. Good luck.

Answer 7

You can't be friends with your kids... you have to be a parent.
Give them the choice of staying with you or going to live with their father. If they want to stay with you, then they have to live with your rules. The mama rules. If the mama isn't happy, then NOBODY is happy. Get hard with them.

Truth is... at this age, they are all surly and cranky... hormones and all that. Let their dad deal with them... especially if they start getting involved with girls... you don't need to be held responsible for child support payments to one of their little girlfriends. They are probably getting all this disrespect from their dad.

You have a lot on your own plate in getting on with your own life. You need support in this. If these kids will not toe the minimal line you have set, then they should get out of your way. You don't have time to cater to a pair of hateful brats. Cut yourself some slack and God bless you.

Answer 8

plan a day trip, like a picnic or to a park where the 3 of you can be alone and spend as much time talking to them as you can thru the whole time.

Answer 9

well i dont know if this will help but when my dad tells me to do something and dosent ask me or anything and just tries to tell me to do stuff it pisses me off so idk try changing the way you talk to them