My Dad has never made an effort to get to know me. I recently moved out of his house and in with my Mother, and after the first few initial phone calls, he stopped answering. My Step-Mom is an alcoholic and has really effected my life in a negative way the past couple of years. I lost so much respect for them. In a way, I feel like my Father chose her over me. I used to always wish I could call myself a Daddy's Girl but I couldn't. I'm just wondering if it's too late now to try and build a relationship or do you think it would be worth it? I have so much anger towards him for the things he put me through when I was in junior high/high school (never letting me talk to boys, not letting me hang out with friends, and keeping me inside the house all the time). Should I just put my pride to the side and try to get close to him now that I'm a little older? I have this huge fear that we will never make up. I see it happen all the time. Any advice is appreciated :)
2007-10-11 17:17:17 · 11 answers · asked by Nic Nac 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Deep inside you blame yourself for what is lacking in your relationship with your father. That is because that's what kids do. They think that "if only I was a better child, he would love me more". The truth is, the responsibility for the failure in this relationship lies completely with your father. Yes, you are an adult now & you are responsible for how you react to him now that you are an adult. But the relationship was broken long before you reached adulthood wasn't it?
Now you fear that what has been broken for so long will never get put right. In a way you are being very unfair to yourself, by completely accepting this burden on your own.
He still has the responsibility to put things right with you, even though it's now a shared responsibility (with you), he still has to have this in his heart in order for it to get done.
You ask "should I put my pride to the side". Well, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between pride, & self-caring, but there is a difference. If all of your efforts to work things out with your dad are one-sided, then giving up is not a matter of pride, it's just recognizing when it's time to move on.
Into the mix comes an alcoholic! Yes he's been affected by his wifes addiction to alcohol, but don't mistake his behaviour for choosing her over you. Your dad is probably deep into the throws of being a co-dependant (doesn't mean he's an alcoholic too) What that means is, he's busy trying to manage two lives right now. His own (which is all he should do) & hers. Of course it's an exercise in futility since an alcoholics life is unmanageable for everyone.
The truth is you ARE a Daddy's Girl. Sadly he's not the kind of father a Daddy's Girl needs, so for you the situation is toxic, for him it's very tragic because he's missing out on a wonderful daughter. Sorry! :-(
2007-10-11 17:55:52 · answer #1 · answered by No More 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, first things first, to make it right the second time around you have to make either a mental list or a random list of things that he has done to hurt you while you were growing up. Such as the "no talking to boys" than, list the things you've said and done to him, anything that might have hurt him in the past. Than go and draw a line down next to all your answers and on the other side next to each bad memory write something good to replace it. I'm no therapist trust me, I'm just an ordinary girl that was in the same shoe, except it was my mother that I had to do it with, she's an alcoholic and my father was my hero. Anyhoo back to what I was saying, go ahead and measure the good and the bad, if you feel the good can still bring some laughter in your life and the bad of course makes you mad, than you know you've still got balance, its completely normal. As for how you should feel towards him, only your heart can answer that. Ask yourself, do you "need" him in your life?? meaning do you want him around? or anything in that area. Because if you feel you are better off without him, than by you trying to spark a father-daughter relationship is just throwing wood to the fire. But if you feel, otherwise, than by all means, try your hardest and give it your all... A daughter should always feel like a daddy's little girl, wether or not we realize it in their hearts we are their little girls..... I was a daddys girl, and he passed away 7 years ago.. Theres soo many things I wish I did before so don't make the same mistake I did.... Good luck......
2007-10-11 17:38:26 · answer #2 · answered by O' wai kou inoa? 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Up until I was 12 my Dad was my favorite person in the world. We were incredibly close, and then my Dad left my mom for a total witch! (okay that's just my opinion, but needless to say we didn't get along) Anyway, my Dad and I didn't speak for over 15 years. Then we had a very superficial "see each other at Christmas" relationship, but never really made an emotional connection again. Then, 3 years ago he was diagnosed with cancer and died within a month. Now, I'm regretting never having had it out with him. Maybe if I had cleared the air and really told him what he did to me we would have been able to get back to a real relationship. Maybe I wouldn't have the trust issues with men that I do. Who knows? If you need to talk to your Dad (and it sounds like you do) then do it for your own peace of mind. If it goes nowhere, then at least you'll know. Worse case scenario you have the same relationship you do now, but maybe you clear the air and develop a new closeness. DON'T WAIT, because tomorrow may not come. Believe me I found that out the hard way.
2007-10-11 17:36:46 · answer #3 · answered by IamDiDi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No matter what has gone on before in your life, this man is still your father and you will never forgive yourself if you do not make an attempt, at least, to try to get along with him. Your Dad kept you out of trouble by not letting you hang with friends, or go out with boys, maybe he thought that he was protecting you. Now that you are older, perhaps you can let your Dad get to know YOU. Good luck with this problem, I wish you the best.
2007-10-11 17:28:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hope you won't mind my saying this, but I think you need counselling. By that, I don't mean that you are the cause of a problem, but you have lived with a problem situation for a long time, and it has caused (and continues to cause) you a great deal of frustration and grief. In other words, you are living in the midst of a problem, and you need some help.
A counsellor can help you see things in a different light, and based on experience from other cases with similarities, the counsellor can recommend a course of action.
Of course, ultimately, it's up to you, but when people are in situations like this, it seems like the wheels are spinning without any real movement. You need to find a way to approach this, and to deal with the consequences. It might take a lot of time for your father to recognize you, but also remember that your mother has a complex problem. Being stuck in the middle, you need support, and that's where a counsellor will help. You might like to start by talking with your doctor (or someone else, in confidence), for advice and direction. Good luck.
2007-10-11 17:27:58 · answer #5 · answered by SB 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its never too late to rebuild a broken relationship. The act of reaching out to your father will strengthen you, even if (God forbid) he doesn't respond. From what you say, I get the feeling he was overprotective when you were younger. Its common for fathers to be that way with their daughters. He must have some hurts too.
Its natural to feel hurt by his actions and decisions. You are a good person for wanting to forgive and reconcile with him. Give it your best shot.
If you are a person of faith, I'd suggest praying about this. Also, find a support group within your religious community who can give you moral support as you prepare to reconnect with your father.
I'll keep you in my prayers tonight. May you be blessed in this endeavor.
2007-10-11 17:50:21 · answer #6 · answered by pypers_son 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He has not been receptive your whole life to a good relationship with you. You can try but don't keep beating your head against the wall. Sometimes it is just better to walk away. How can he not know you when you have lived with him? That says a lot right there. I hope that it works out for you. If it doesn't just remember that you tried.
2007-10-11 17:24:53 · answer #7 · answered by kim h 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
PLEASE CALL YOUR DAD. I am 34 yrs old and my dad died 2 months ago. i took care of him for 2 yrs up to the day he died and the last few months, i was just so tired and run down from him constantly needing me to do something, that i just started feeling negative feelings towards him and being resentful. your dad did not choose "her" over you. He loves you, but you cannot give him the kind of love and companionship he needs from another female-because you are his daughter. he probably feels torn between you two. I WISH I could go back 2 months ago and make that pancake at 3 a.m. like dad wanted, instead of pretending like i was asleep and didnt hear him..trust me...u do not want to have any regrets!
2007-10-11 18:52:24 · answer #8 · answered by ang m 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You dont have to like his decisions, or actions, but he's still your father, I've been there, we still dont have the best relationship, and I've never really been daddys little girl, but now at almost 29, I know it's not going to hold me down anymore, I talk to him and he knows I love him dearly.. not the relationship I want, but it works, I feel like I make all the effort, but he's still my dad.
Best wishes to ya!
2007-10-11 17:27:19 · answer #9 · answered by marcie1997 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Dad, Daddy
2016-04-08 04:33:55 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋