Am I wrong? I have been with my partner for 7 years. have been thru a lot together i.e, abortion, his drugs?

Question

& other relationships issues. Long story cut short, before we got together he was with this girl & nothing happened while they were together, a few years later, when he met & he asked me out. I said no, he slept with her. When I started going out with him, I was a virgin, & thought he was too, it wasn’t until a year later, we were talking about something & it popped up. I felt stupid, anyway years have passed & I don’t like him being in contact with that girl & he hasn’t been. Last year, he was battling a drug addiction & I found out she had been calling him. I told him how I felt about how I feel when I think of him & her & he said he wouldn’t talk to her. Last year we bumped into each other & she didn’t even look at us… recently I found out she has been contacting him again I told him I didn’t want him to talk to her & he said “ok what if I said, I don’t want you to talk to any other guys? Would you do it?” why can’t he understand how I am feeling?

I know I should get over it coz it was a long time ago, but I can’t help it, whenever I think of him with her it makes me sick. how can I stop feeling like this? Also lately I feel more like his mother than GF since the addictions, I don’t want to tell him who he can & can’t talk to, but I really feel strongly against him talking to her, what can I do?

no... he didnt make me have an abortion... we were very young and i made the decision. he wanted to keep the baby... but we were only 17...

i don't care that he has female friends... it is just this one particular girl... he is the only person i have slept with and he thinks he wouldn't react the way i have. i have a degree in business and have a good job... thank you everyone for responding!!!! =] still not sure what to do... he is overseas atm getting off the drugs... been gone for 7 weeks... back in 3... wish me luck!

Answer 1

I am so sorry for you! Been there, done that. I am now married to someone that understands and respect my wishes where it comes to past relationships. I had to leave old what's-his-name because he could never make me priority over other aspects of his life. Either get it into his head that you come first or there is no relationship, or leave him. It's not easy but he should have that respect for you with all you've been through!

Answer 2

This is you projecting your insecurities upon him. He's not going to jump in bed with her just because he talks to her . So she's a past girlfriend. Means nothing. Most of us have past girlfriends or boyfriends, most of us have slept with that person.(obviously your case is an exception, since he was your first and only thus far.) But we move on from those people and we aren't interested in them that way anymore when we meet up with them again.

You have some serious trust issues with your boyfriend - and it seems wholly unwarranted as well. You've been through all these issues and are still together? Most marriages don't survive even one of those things, much less all the things you have. he's not going to jeopardize it now just to sleep with a girlfriend he's not been interested in for a long time? I highly doubt it.

Just a small fact - and it proves true every time, eventually- each time you display a lack of trust, that sticks in his unconscious, and eventually becomes what is called a self fulfilling prophecy- as in "she thinks I'm sleeping around already, or at least fears I am, I might as well do it if I'm going to keep being accused of it." You clearly don't want this to happen.

Consider seeking counseling to get to the root of your trust issues and codependency issues.

Answer 3

I can see where you stand and where he stands although I don't agree with your choices- abortions, drug addiction, sex before marriage etc. but that isn't the question you asked. You should be concerned- if you've already asked him to stop and he agreed to and then turned around and did more- if he wanted to talk to her he should have told you that in the first place instead of agreeing to stop, and basically lying to you. He should be able to have friends that are girls, and you should be able to have friends that are guys, but the relationships should be purely friendship- no flirting or anything, and I belive that if there is one person in particualar your significant other feels you shouldn't be with then you should limit your time with that person, or tell that person you can't be friends anymore because of your significant other's feelings. From a moral aspect I think you should dump him because he has obviously gotten you pregnant and you aren't married, and he is obviously not a Chirstian, but then again the same goes for you. I have no right to judge you- I just wanted to make it clear that I don't agree with that. From a worldly aspect, you should stay together and work things out, and you should try to understand each other which it seems you are already doing.

Hope this helped!

Answer 4

Sorry, but you sound like you are seriously done with this guy.

When you can't forgive past history and can't let go of what is long gone, how long until you get honest with yourself and realize that you don't trust this guy half as far as you could throw him.

I know a couple that managed to stay married for 20 years of sheer misery because SHE couldn't stand that fact that he had traveled around with some of his friends after high school. None of his photos could be displayed, no momentos, nothing. Finally, when they finished building a dream house, thanks in part to his credit, she kicked him out so she could take up with a rich old goat from the country club. Save yourself some grief and get out now -- get out, get help and maybe even get back into school.

Answer 5

7 years? Drugs? Abortion? The patience you have endured to be with this guy should give him enough respect for you to do something so simple like this for you. I can understand where you are coming from, been there. If he tells you that he will not talk to her, then he should not do it PERIOD. He cannot control whether or not she calls but he can control whether or not he answers. I say talk to him about it, tell him how you feel about the situation and let him know that it is childish to try to turn the situation around because its not the same way. Tell him if he respects you then he should make a choice. I know ultimatums usually don't work well but I told my bf it was either me or the girl and he chose me, I never had to worry about her again. See if it works for you

Answer 6

I guess you have to move on coz maybe he wants the girl and not you, you are not being demanding but you are just asking it in order to save the relationship. Dear maintaining a relationship not only a lady's task even the other partner should understand and take initiative for it. But as he is battling out with drug addiction I would strongly suggest you to be his friend and guide, support to overcome it. All the best.

Answer 7

I would simply explain to him it is not that you don't want him having friends or talking to NO girls at all, that it is this particular female that you have an issue with. And I would flat out tell him that he was more than friends with her at one point and how that hurts you. I would also explain to him that he was not very forth coming when he was tlaking to her and he was hiding it and that you don't hide things that are innocent.
And he will either respect your wishes because he loves you and wants you to be happy or he will not and what does that say about your relationship with him.
I think you know that if he had asked you to stop speaking with someone you would to spare his feelings and he should do the same for you.

Answer 8

Actually there is nothing you could really do about it. I mean it can only start arguments between you and your guy. The best solution is to either move on or make new friends. Usually guys have a hard time accepting things like that. It's all a double standard to me. But when he questions it make a vaild point that after all you did ask nicely. Cheer up it'll work out for you. Been there done that. Happily married now.

Answer 9

You certainly have cause for concerns here. You need to have a sit down with him and give him an ultimatum - either he stops talking to her completely (and this means not taking any phone calls from her or emails), or it's over. Then, have a three way phone conversation (stay silent), and have him tell her that he wants no further contact with her, and that he will not take her calls or emails from her. It's not other girls you don't him to talk to, it's this certain girl. And, if the shoe was on the other foot, he would be saying the same thing.

Answer 10

Unless he goes further than talking or meeting at the most, maybe a friendly hug at the very very most, he's probably right. And don't feel bad, if he loves you then it doesn't matter, he may still just be friends with her, and want to talk to her. He doesn't want to be told who not to be friends with when she has done anything to you, and isn't trying to take him from you.

Wait, just re-read that, if he is still on drugs, and made you get an abortion, maybe you should dump his @§§, unless there's hope for the drugs, he loves you, and the abortion was because you were underage. Otherwise, dump his @§§

Answer 11

He did something with her when the two of you were not even an item. Unless he has done something with her while the two of you were together, you have no reason to ask him not to talk to her. You either trust him or you don't. It is that simple. If he is talking about your relationship with her, that is wrong on his part; and obviously if he is doing anything else, then that is very wrong. Once again it is a trust issue.