Am I the bad one?

Question

I love my husband but his kids drive me crazy.The boy is 18 & the girl is 16. They swear at him, steal from him & me, & bring home kids without permission who also stole from us.ONe kid was only supposed to be there one night & finally got rid of him after 3 weeks!!!!! My husband does nothing & won't listen to what I tell him about his kids. In fact he tells me I'm the reason they are that way & "He's the man & he'll make the decisions" I have no say in this house but to cook, clean, do laundry, give him money, & buy groceries. I know he loves me, but shouldn't he put me first at least once in awhile? I'm about to leave him, as I just can't sit here night after night & listen to them talk to him that way & he does nothing. They have more freedom here then do. If I'm a bit late from work he questions me but the girl can stay out all night long every night if she wants. And he expects me to do allt he work while she lays abed. Am I a bad person or is he wrong? Been together 7 years.

Answer 1

You do all that housework and hold down an outside job as well? He doesn't deserve you, and neither do his kids. If you have somewhere to go, leave. With you gone, he'll have to deal with those kids himself. That might bring him to realize your value. It isn't about love, it's about fairness and respect. You're getting none of the latter. You have value, and it's time he came to recognize that. I'm so very sorry, and truly hope you can rectify the situation ASAP. If not, it's time to move on. Please take care of yourself.

Answer 2

It shouldn't be about putting his kids or his wife first - it shouldn't be a competition. He should consider the needs of everyone equally.

If your only influence in the house is your money and your housework, then use that to your advantage. Put your money into a separate checking account that only you can access. Tell your husband that you will contribute a portion of "rent" to the household fund, that you will buy food for yourself, and do your own laundry, and clean up after your own mess, but you won't do anything for him or his kids unless you are given some rights as a member of the family - including parenting rights over his children.
Tell him you're happy to work out a different arrangement, but that it has to be fair for all the members of the family. Everyone needs to contribute in some way - with money, housework, etc.

Be polite but firm. If he isn't willing to consider your needs or at least discuss the matter, then it's time you leave and find a situation you can live with.

Answer 3

I don't even see why you'd want to put up with that kind of a mess. It's a mess yo ucan't clean up, and the only way they're going to learn how to clean it up is if they're the only ones left to handle it. If you still love him, bite down on that emotion, because this is not healthy for you! You're being used here, and he is SO wrong. This is not what a wife should be responsible for, and the husband is not doing his responsibilities as a father. Leaving would be a good idea.
That's amazing though... you have great patience and tolerance to be putting up with that for 7 years... and you do all the housework and you've got a job, too... you should be getting respect for that.

Answer 4

You are a better woman than I am. I would have already left. Stealing will not be permitted from anyone in my house. You have every right to make decisions in your own home. He loves you? I am sorry but you sound like the hired help. I don't think that you are a bad person. I do think that you deserve better than you are getting. I hope things work out for you. You really need to evaluate and think of yourself for a change. Can you live the rest of your life this way?

Answer 5

you're arent a bad person- this is very wrong. I suggest counseling. I get the impression that he may be a bit stubborn- and to really see what's wrong here- he may need to see the side of someone unrelated to these issues- thats why a counselor can help- it's helped alot with my relationship.

I applaud you for hanging in there- but don't blae you for wanting to end things- you have the right to say you don't deserve to have these rude, mismannered kids try and run your household- while he may have the right to choose their discipline- you are an adult and live there too- you should have a say in what goes on around there.......

Answer 6

if he thinks you're place is to be bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen, i wouldn't say taht he's a very good person, unless you want everyone to think of you as an animal for breeding. i'm sorry that was so harsh, but if he won't listen to you, and the kids are stealing and they're out of control, and if he blames you for it but its not your fault, then i don't hink you should stay with him.

Answer 7

dear oh dear we now live in the year 2008 its time to give your hubby a wake up call. no where in your marriage vowels do you say i will be his slave and cook and clean after him.
tell him straight no more and if he dont listen to you walk or run but get out from under his spell.
find someone who loves you. not someone wanting a maid to cook and clean for ......

Answer 8

He sounds like my ex defacto, who was just after someone to raise his children and no matter what they do, they will never do any wrong. So stop being used and get out and start anew. You don't need this crap and should find someone better who has no young children.

Answer 9

Sweetie. You need to get out of there and fast. You shouldn't stay where you're not wanted. You should ALWAYS come first. Both of you should share that.
No, you're not a bad person. You haven't done anything wrong

Answer 10

Tell him to get his kids straightened out before they end up in prison. Then tell him your tired of his crap and if it doesn't change your going to leave.