my bfs mum thinks im rude?

Question

ive just stayed at my LD bf for a few days and ive found out his mum had a go at him saying that im rude and i never thanked her for letting me stay. ive been trying to speak to her for 8 months but it seems when i speak to her she gives me a look of dont waste your breath. i was going to say bye to her when i left today but she had company round and i didnt want to interupt. im going again at th end of november to stay one night and im taking the xmas presents and ive got his mum her fave biscuits but is there any way for me to get her to think better about me instead of yelling at my bf about me

oh im very shy so talking is hard for me to do in the first place but i do try my best

Answer 1

Next time, just make sure you say goodbye and thank you for your hospitality. Also, make sure you clean up after yourself and if she cooks a meal, when you eat it (even if you don't like it) say something like "this is delicious. thank you so much." good luck!

Answer 2

I sympathize with your situation.

My advice would be to remember that you are in the relationship with your boyfriend and not his mother. Treating him with respect as well as respecting yourself enough to insist upon being treated well will help the two of you weather any disapproval from his Mother. Her opinion may never change despite whatever you do.

Most likely her opinion of you stems from her having the perception that you are not good for her son or don't have the qualities that she believes her son should have in a girlfriend.

That said, in some ways she is telling you what she sees as being important to her. In that she wants to be thanked and acknowledged for her hospitality.

Bringing her fave biscuits will help, but getting up the nerve to say Thank You might get you further. And if someone does provide you with a place to stay, it is appropriate to say thank you.

Overall, don't let her intimidation affect what you think is right or wrong. In a way this is a form of emotional blackmail for her to force her opinions on her son.

In the end, stay the course. Be a good person, be true to yourself and to your boyfriend. If he's worth it, he will appreciate you no matter what mum has to say. If mum sees that you're here to stay she may soften her attitude a bit.

And you won't believe how parents' attitudes can change once grandchildren show up.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, you're both at fault here - neither of you is giving the other a chance, and you're both reluctant to take that leap to speak honestly with the other. If you really care about your bf, you're going to have to be the one to make the first move.

Tell her that you're sorry the two of you have gotten off ont he wrong foot, and tell her you'd like to start over. Mention that your silences are not out of rudeness, but shyness - you don't want to interrupt her or you're afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Tell her that you care about (boy) and he is obviously very important to both of you, so you hope she'll be willing to give you a chance.

Be extra polite to her and err on the side of saying too much, rather than too little. Thank her for letting you visit, letting you stay, handing you a napkin, everything. Ask her opinion on things, and take her advice. She'll quickly warm up once you prove that you care about her feelings.

Answer 4

Go ahead and say whatever u want to her whenever you like! The more assertive and friendly you are the better she will like u and find it diff. to talk nasty about u. If u get into conversation about something and don't know what to talk about exactly do ur best to trust in her opinions, accept/respect her for being more mature, and wiser so listen what she has to say and keep a great attitude.

I know how u feel I have not always enjoyed trying to get on with b/f mommy but it takes time... some times a loong time and thats okay just keep ur head up! She'll come around!

Answer 5

Ok family relations are a must. If anything you learn from this relationship, make sure its to always get on the parents good side quickly and stay there. Nothing causes problems like having a parent dislike you.

Try this next time. Go up to bf mom and say, "mrs. 123, I know I may have come off as acting like I didnt care or wasnt appreciative of staying here and if I did, Im very sorry. I want to be friends with you and I very much appreciate you allowing me to come into your home. We both have the same goal, that being loving your son. We both have the same goal of wanting to make him happy. I just wanted you to know that I just want to be your friend."

That should open some major doors for her. Parents just want to know their kid is loved and taken care of. More so that someone being nice to the parent themselves. I dont know how you have acted around her but Im going to guess since you said you were shy and that you didnt talk much that you didnt show a whole lot of happy vibes and smiley faces with him with her around. LEARN TO DO IT! MAKE YOURSELF DO IT!

Gifts mean nothing. Shes an adult with income. If she wanted it, she would go get it. Its the feelings and knowing her son is loved that matters. She just wants to feel warm inside looking at you two interacting.

Answer 6

I had the same problem. I am shy so my husband's mother mistakes that for rudeness. She even yelled at me. It hurt my feelings and made me cry in front of her entire family. It was quite embarrassing. I had to realize that her son meant a lot to me and I wanted to make things work between her and I. I finally worked up the nerve to tell her that we come from completely different backgrounds (they are from Nigeria) and I do not mean to offend her by being so quiet. We have come to an understanding since then and she even calls to talk to me a few times a month.

Keep trying with your bf's mom. At the very least, she will recognize your effort. God bless.

Answer 7

If even she thinks you're wasting your breath, talk to her anyway. Maybe she's feeling left out or maybe she's just a controlling woman, or it's the "no one is going to be good enough for my baby." Try finding something to talk about or compliment her on something. Her cooking, her necklace, etc. But don't over do it. Then she'll know somethings up. If things still don't get better then you'll know it's her and there's really not much that can be done about that.
Good luck.

Answer 8

Aww sweetheart, thats not so good for you... my ex husbands mum was exactly the same! I would go round and she wouldnt even come out of her room.... even the day after we married, she sat in another room and wouldnt come in. Boyfriends mums seem to be like that.

You seem a very sweet person, maybe you could post of a card, saying thatnk for letting you stay, and you look forward to seeing her again in November, that way you dont have to do anything 'face to face', everybody likes getting a nice card, hopefully she will too... good luck hunny, dont worry x

Answer 9

All you can do is apologize and let her know you never tried to offend her or come off as being un-thankful ... let her know how much you appreciate everything she has done for you ... straight down to raising the man you are in love with ... even if you feel you we're not wrong ... still try it and see how her attitude is after that ... some moms will never like the girl that's taking away her little boy ... it's almost scary ... lol ... good luck with everything and hang in there.

Answer 10

Send her a nice card and write that you feel as if you may have neglected to thank her properly for having you in her home. Explain that you are sorry and are looking forward to your next visit. You might even ask if she would let you help out, maybe with a meal, when you arrive. If she won't relent then you can't do more than that. She may not be ready to welcome any woman into her son's life as yet.

Answer 11

Send her a note. This is something she can't avoid, especially if there is no return address. She can't know who its from until it's open. Don't go into details but explain you have not yet been able to thank her for her courtesy. Use formal language and treat like royalty. It may work, it may not but it's worth a try if the relationship is serious.